Discovering A Inner Courage and Love I Never Knew.....

 As I woke this morning and the events of yesterday start to play in my head. I feel I am still processing what happened but a few things have become obviously clear.

The first is that I have been telling myself all along that I needed to learn to “love myself”. What a lie I was telling myself to keep me in the state of thinking I needed to do more, be more... It became clear as I laid on the session table allowing the hidden wounds of my past to fly by me as if going through a worm hole in space. Watching everything that had wounded me and brought shame into my life go by . I was watching and feeling the times of my past that the pain and confusion was to much to bear that I had not only hidden the memories but also created a disease to slowly wipe them out. The problem was now the disease was not only removing the wounded ones but the magical ones too. It had become time to face them and bring healing into my life. As I viewed each one that stopped by to look me in the face it became clear I had to stop and look at who I was now.. because coming from deep inside me I knew that is all I have and really all that matters. As I did it became apparent that one thing was clear. I had kept up the good fight, never giving up on myself. I had been like a fighter in the ring. I took the punches and shook it off and got back up to fight again. Each time learning something knew about myself and a new skill to take back in the ring with me. I watched as with each pain and trauma I forgave my offender and moved on seeing them and events as my greatest teachers. Now something through the emotions was coming to the surface and it was my deeper love and respect for myself.

At first I could not see it.. because I needed to understand something first. I had never created these wounds I was just a part of them. Using the fighter analogy when you step in the ring you are not sure what will happen and each punch or action is a reaction to the opponents moves. Like a dance of reaction and action. I knew in my heart I had never intentional brought pain to anyone in my life. Maybe misunderstanding but I have not one malice or cruel bone in my body. This I know to be my truth. So to me it had not become as much about the dance as what I did with it. Was I going to let it consumes me or was I going to take it as a lesson and move on. I had always chosen to move on. A deeper part of me calling through the fight, the battle, the tears and the pain to not give up, to never give up. It brought me back to that moment on the deck not so long ago when I thanked Creator by saying “ Thank you for never giving up on me “ and I heard “ It was you that never gave up on you”.. The tears rolled and my heart started to open and I could feel the love I had for myself want to touch the surface but it was still being held back. Why? I asked had I not given up, why had I not allowed these people and event to change me.. steal who I was and cause me a life of suffering and more pain now brought not by them but by myself... and the first of two images came to mind. The first in all his glory was the image of Jesus with his hand outreached to me and he said “Faith” faith my child you never lost the true meaning of faith... and with a smile that would light up the universe his next words “ you kept the greatest of my commands”.. “ Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you”.... by now the tears flowed. Gushed is a better word... My heart cracked open and I saw the love I had for myself and others... At that moment the most painful and fearful memory’s came like the damn had bust and I at that moment as my eyes open there no other instinct but to be held and that is what happened with loving arms around me I let go my greatest fears and my greatest pain... As I was held for the first time in my life by someone that wanted nothing in return but to love me and with that I let go... Then he spoke those words... “ Now you must forgive yourself”...

The second of the insights was hitting and it was again becoming clear that I had never deeply forgiven myself for the pain I had let in. I had always been able to forgive my oppressors and understand why they hurt me but had I ever really forgave myself for letting them hurt me.. As I gathered myself to lay back down and clear the next level the words that were being spoken was... forgive yourself that little girl misses you and loves you let her come back. Like going through the next worm hole I watched as the clock ticked back to my childhood and I use that word to describe the years not the time. I truly never had a childhood.. At 5 I had learned tough lessons and by 9 was pretty much on my own.. never really having friends or family around I grew up fast and those years of discover became years of survival and lessons and that was all I knew until yesterday. Then she appeared.. With her hair that flowed down the back of her spine touching the tip of her hips.. with hazel eyes a glow in her jean summer dress tied in the back and of course her dirty barefoot feet.. It was me at the age of 6. I loved that dress and she looked beautiful and she was looking at me asking me to come with her... she took my hand and danced me through the grass field with sunflowers blowing in the wind and she was singing to me the way I sing to Austin... I cried for I hadn’t felt that kind of love and freedom in a very long time... I turned to her and said “ Please forgive me, I never meant to let them hurt you”.. and with the eyes of a angel and a heart that spanned the universe she said “ It is you that must forgive you, it is the only way to be free” and in that moment I felts her heart reach out to mine and I said the words' I forgive.... I forgive you and I forgive me... and my heart burst open in that instance she smiled and I must say I smiled too, then she let go of my hand and said “The battle is over you have won the fight.. I knew you had it in you..” I could feel her eyes saying put down your weapons, let go of your fears, now you will find peace. As she started to walk into the Sun light she looked back and said.... “ You do know how beautiful you are don’t you? Stop looking outside for validation of who you are all you need is to look within.. it is the only place you will find the truth..” As she disappeared in a Rainbow light from the sun.. I now could feel myself.. My beauty, my knowledge, my wisdom and most of all the love I have for myself...

All these years I had been searching outside myself for the validation of being loved but all along I had it right inside me if I would of took the time to see.. As I pulled myself out of the session as it came to a close.. I was taken back by the two things that now had set me free... forgiving myself and learning that I never need to learn to love myself if I just would have had the right eyes to see I would known I never stopped loving myself.. I just need to stop letting others define what love was to me.

As I slowly got up from the table I took a few minutes to really feel myself... my face, my nose.. my skin and a voice in my head echoed.. I guess I am beautiful... and smart.. and I do have a good heart. Then it dawned on me... I had never taken the time to see my own beauty, to look at my courage and strength to acknowledge my inner wisdom.... At that moment I was able to see how disconnected I was to my inner development.. I had always been so busy trying to work on the things that others thought were wrong with me I never took the time to enjoy the things that were “right” about me.. it is not to say I will ever give up my sense of discovery and expansion but now it is not to fix or make better but to expand upon. Yesterday was a great unveiling of the deeper hidden wounds that just needed to be brought to the surface not to relive them to but to see with new eyes and let them go.... Like a line from a Hallmark movie “Wishing Well” “ There once was a man that said I can not even see what is right in front of me”.....

I have to say that out of the session, I was told I looked ten years younger and I can only say I felt ten years lighter and as the night drew to an end.. I found myself giggling and it felt good and I was finding a inner strength that I never knew I had... I was in my minds eye going over relationships I have in my life now and the ones I want in the future and I have discovered I am worth more then I ever gave myself credit for and that I no longer have to or will try to convince people I am worthy to love, it now is up to them to prove to me they are worth to be in my life because loving just comes natural to me....

I give thanks this morning to myself for having the courage again to not be afraid to go deeper and to have loved me those all these years.... “LOVE YOU JUSTINE!!!!!! and I love all of you!!  

Releasing Hidden Yesterdays

  Every time I sit down at this computer to write I seem to be at a loss for words. So much has been happening in such a short amount of time that it is hard to know where to begin and even if I did there are something that happen in life that no words can describe.

The most important thing I guess would be that I can feel things shifting and releasing from my mind and from my body. It is true this process for me has been happening for the past 8-10 years but to watch it come to what might be the end of suffering and the beginning of living { with out painful lessons } is new.. and might I add a bit scary.

It seems a bit strange as my mind is coming back on line you might say, the memories that come flooding at times.. between childhood memories of knowing there is something different about me, experiencing physical and sexual abuse, a childhood illness that silently was doing damage to my brain and nervous system and just the lessons that we have living on earth. I can now see why it has taken years to come to this moment. If I had to face the knowledge and pain all at once I surely would of lost my mind. Each layer that has been removed is making room for a more deeper understanding of why I went through these things and a chance for forgiveness, of myself and others. A deeper sense of purpose. When I say that I mean a deeper sense of life’s purpose not what I should be doing with my life, My life is my purpose... and everything else is just an extension of that..

I have written before about my mini deaths and rebirths as each “veil” is lifted so that I can see more clearly what has been there all along. Hidden deep inside me the knowledge of my greatest power but also having to face my darkest shadows. It seems some of me subconsciously knew my purpose was to face fear and release programed ideas allowing me to become a whole person.

So as I look back this morning its like a trail leading me to this moment. with out those experiences I would of never found a deeper part of myself, a strength to go within and know that what I had experienced in pain could not be all this life had to offer. If I only found my way out of each moment and rise above it, like climbing the stairway to heaven.. someday I would find the peace and understanding I have been seeking all my life. I was always searching outside myself but once I came in.. into my own mind, my own heart and found the map each day I have been able to rise to a new understanding and I hope now a new sense of peace. It has not been easy but each time in my life I have faced my fears I have become not only free but able to face the next challenge knowing I am capable of anything I set my mind too. I know today I face my greatest fear and shame. One in which my soul has waited until I had enough understanding and compassion for myself that I could face it. There is this strange calm inside me that is saying I am ready.. its time... the tears roll as I know I will be allowing myself to go back in time to heal old wounds and release myself from the dark shadows that have haunted me. Maybe this is why I was asked to stay more grounded in Earth things to feel the pain and to remember so that I can see these things with new eyes and finally be fully free... like in a birth you come in with a clean slate in which to build your life today I wipe the slate clean to start to rebuild my new life. Without the pain of hidden yesterdays... and with the faith of new tomorrows.  

Sharing a Part Of My Day With You

Since I have decided to share the next 14 day with you, I thought I would post a video with me playing in the kitchen this morning...

"Asking Fate To Wait To See If I Have The Courage To Face My Destiny"

    With everything that has been happening in my life the past few months it is not hard for me to imagine I would be standing in the place I am right now. I have seen the signs coming, I have heard the call of my heart and I know this is the time. 

   A few years back when I was discovering my inner voice I would hear myself say to people " If you don't get your mind, body and spirit in harmony you would die, if not a spiritual death and emotional one  and possible a physical one." those were such harsh words at the time that I found myself ashamed to be speaking them. I am now faced with the fact that those words were meant for me as much as the people they were directed too. At the time death and the chance of it happening to me were a far off possibility. My only worry was that my family and loved ones thought I was crazy. Now that we have solved that mystery I am faced with the fact that it is time for me to get in harmony within myself.

   This has not been an easy task as we all might know. Everyday is a distraction from the self or it is an EGO ride all about the self. Finding the outer let alone inner place of non-judgement or fear is far and few in between. At least in my world it has been. I can look back and see the path leading here. All its tosses and turns as a friend said this morning has lead me here. A cross roads.  It has been said "You will come to an end of the rode were you can no longer travel the same rode you have and you must choose, to go left or right." I have hit my dead end {no pun attend} I know in my soul I must choose life or death. If you want an easy line, I must choose to be in harmony with myself and my world or it is time to accept my fate.

    Most of you know I have been living with an Autoimmune disorder that have caused a form of encephalitis to become reoccurring with mild attacks monthly that have slowly been doing damage to my brain and nervous system. There has been little help from the medical field and I have spoke about that in earlier posts due to the fact that in the states the rate of mortality for my type is from depending on the sites you look up 70-90% so I should of of been dead about the second one and the third one, well lets just say most doctors are amazed at the fact I am still alive and doing  as GREAT as I am..{ Really Most Doctors have no clue what to do or think of me ) So I have had believe me enough wake up calls that the front desk is about to stop trying. 

   It has been harder than you think to move in a direction of health and well-being due to self-confidence and just dealing with the post effects of the virus. I have never given up but I must admit I wasn't sure If I want to try. As much as the mother in me wants to stay to see my son grow into a man, the thought of him slowly watching his mother fade away or die seemed also cruel and selfish. So the battle raged and over the past year I have come to many conclusions and put into motion lots of personal tests and I must say testing those in my life.  I have come to some harsh realities that I can see why some dare not go deep or explore for the truth you find is not always pretty. The moments in life that I thought counted meant nothing if they were all based on a illusion. That illusion has now been removed and I must say there is a greater freedom in learning who will be by your bedside as death approaches. Guess if I wanted to know the truth all I had to do was go to a retirement home or a home for the elderly. Needless to say we have become a throw away society but I will save that speech for another day.

  Where I was going is that yesterday I surrendered to my destiny and asked Fate to wait to see if I had what it took to rise from the ashes and fly like never before. To allow the beauty of who I am and what I have experienced to now be used instead of stored deep inside, To now know that the only judgement I should fear is my own and the only fear I should have is in not allowing this caterpillar to become a butterfly... 

   I posted a video yesterday on my you tube and facebook pages and to my amazement the love that flowed from strangers and friends was... speechless! The love I was searching for all my life was there in front of me. Like a shinning light of hope. There were those loving me into death and those angry by the thought of my possible death. Then to my joy there were those that reached their hands to me in love and strength. I could only find gratitude in my heart for not only them but again for my time here on earth!! It has been so far an amazing journey of what is possible when you don't give up on yourself.

 So as I make my way through the next 14 day I hope you will join me as like you I don't know the ending... Like a story where every chapter is written each day we will discover together. Is this the end of just a chapter or am I writing the final chapter of my book... which ever it is thanks for sharing it with me, I hope that as you take on thing from me "Never stop believing in yourself for you were born to live and live you should, for your last day is but a breath away"... 

Day 3 Spirituality and Healing in Action and my thoughts on 9/11

Woke up this morning feeling like a battle raging inside me. I can feel every part of me aching and my stomach is wrenching to remove anything and everything. It seems the battle to regain my health has begun! 


Some have said this is the healing crisis. As your body removes toxins and the build up as they release can make you feel sicker then you were to start with.  I have felt this before with the virus but this time I know it is the new nutrients that are now doing battle against the toxins that keep my immune system from being able to fight. it is like the story of the 300.. the few will battle as the strength of 1000..  


The difference this morning was I had my boy by my side. He rose to the occasion and before I knew it was making our smoothies and telling me to hang on.. Like a angel he peeled and poured add our emergen-C and then blended like a champ! His eyes sparkled as he carefully poured our drinks and then smiled and said " here everything will be better soon". He is right! I am so lucky to be loved like that with nothing asked in return. 


Yesterday as I stood looking out into the woods asking how as a people, a nation and a planet we have gotten so lost in what is important to our survival as a species, as an earth family. I looked at my part, what roll does my everyday  life play into that and it brought tears to my eyes as I had to look at my own action or I must say lack of.  Then it hit me, it was 9/11 . All the lives lost and for what??? All the lives effected by a moment in time that still leaves confusion, mistrust and hated in the hearts of many. I remember the next day posting a sign on the back of my V.W. Bug that read " Let them not die in vain" Here I stood all these years later and I was guilt of the one thing I had hoped would not be lost in that tragic event. The importance of LIFE itself!!!


The value we put on human lives, on our own lives and those of our family. I too had lost touch of that and let myself slip into a sleep of denial of just how precious we really our. what a miracle each one of are and how the lose of just one life should be felt through all as if it was a part of us that died. Because in truth it is. We forget there was only one mother of man kind! no matter your theory on how life began. It can only be traced to one.. weather Eve or a fish in the sea.. it all started somewhere with one... so every time someone dies we have lost a family member, even if they were a stranger to you their essence lives within you.  From a moral stand they were someones mother, father, sister, brother, ect .... this goes for all living things.

That day should of marked in my life and the lives of all american that human life is more important then what we are fighting for or the greed of money. At that moment when faced with my own arrogance and denial I made a commitment to those that died on 9/11 to live the best life I could live because unlike them they will never have a chance to reach their full potential. They will never have a chance to see this nation rise from the ashes to become the brotherhood of one nation under GOD!!! 


So today as I hang my head over the toilet and my body shakes and aches with pain I will remember their last  moments of terror, suffering and pain.. the fear so great they leaped from windows to not burn alive. That they will not die in vain on my watch for them I will push on.. and become all that I can be. I will raise my bar to meet any challenge in their names and through their hearts! I will not forget how precious life is and how if each one of  us did the same that day in history would not be looked upon as tragic but a a call to the nations of the world and its people that we must start loving ourselves and loving each other because one day we might be faced with our own immortality and realized we wasted what time we did have on things that in the moment of death will hold no value but by then it will of been to late.     


For my son and his sons and daughter and theirs, today again I ask the good lord to watch over the people of this planet and may we all raise our own personal bar and strive not only for personal gain but that of the whole planet and all its children. 


Amen........

Day 1 Spirituality and Healing in Action....

   This morning I started a journey back to self, I know this will take patience, mental discipline, meditation and action.  It will also take intention, focus and faith. these are all qualities I have held in the past but only pieces of them like touching a snow flake before it melts. This time they must become who I am not words I am trying to reach for or a goal I am trying to achieve. 


At times this will not be easy for in the beginning as a friend of an angel said today " I must let go and watch the miracles flow" those might not of been same words but the mean sure spoke to how I have felt all morning. It is easier to put my faith on the future when my intention is placed in the now...  each moment will take focus  and I must have patience with myself as I let go so that the miracles can come in. 


 I have always seen myself as love in motion. Stretching, bending and expanding my understanding of myself and where to flow next. Now it is time to take this Gemini mind and put action to my thoughts and allow the aspect of my Virgo rising to help me stay centered and one my path. Once again my words bring a promise of a new reality now if I can just get the rest of me to go along I should be fine.  

Waking up to a New Reality...

Once again as I pop my head out of the rabbit hole I find myself at once again another cross road.  I first started this blog for my son. When I found out that I could die at any moment I wanted to leave him something. Something more than pictures or other peoples perceptions of who they thought I was. 

It seems that most of my life even up to today most people who think they know me really don't,  they only see the version of me that fits into their experiences. I have come to this conclusion because it seems that no matter my intentions I still get judged by other peoples ideas of what and who I should be not who I truly am.  I thought Austin deserved my truth and not someone else's.   

Then as I got sicker I felt it might be a way to explain to him and all those who questioned my sanity a peek into to medical reasons why things appeared the way they did. Not that it mattered anymore what they thought but it was finally a validation to myself that as Dr. V say " you should be crazy but your not. if it wasn't  for the virus and  if you were born in another time, in another family you would  of been a great scholar" that was what all my life I had waited to hear. true validation that it was not me but a crazy virus that has plagued my brain and my nervous system most of my life and that even though most people would of taken a victim roll by now in life I had rose above known that I was capable of more than what the world had seen of me.  It also showed there were still doctors out there that cared about us as people not just a face in a sea of many. I think that my hope too was that my story would help others who were struggling with health issues that they were not alone.

I have struggled to keep up this blog because the illness I have takes its toll on my communication and in sometimes just reaching out to others. I cant explain it but there is so much we still don't know about the brain and how it effects personality and expression of that. Needless to say it has been a work in progress. 

Now I have once again decided to make my blog a place of expression. A place to share my life and how I see things, how I am now going to take control over this illness through eating and lifestyle. It also will be a record of my journey back to self.  

I had a dream last night that I was preparing, preparing for something wonderful and great. There was a gentle soul which stood next to me and it was not through words but feeling the sense of are you ready? you will do well, you have been waiting for this. Like a school girl waiting for her first day or like your first job interview I looked back like yes I can do this, I am ready and with a feeling that no words can express I was ready to step through then I heard a faint beep, each time it got louder and louder till I realized that sounded like a alarm. That cant be I said to myself we don't use those and where is that coming from? I opened my eyes and it was coming from Austins room a clock which the alarm has never been set was going off. I turned it off and hurried back to bed.. could I get back to were I was? where was I going? I want to go there as I tried to go back it was no use I was now awake. then it dawned on me.. I was were I was spouse to be. That alarm shouldn't of went off and the time was perfect to the dream.   within a short time to my amazement I felt Austin patting me saying " Good Mother very Good" I looked over and he had a grin I had never seen before.  Like the chestier cat, he was in heaven then he wrapped his arms around me and said "your the greatest mom ever!! your a great mom, never forget that". we hugged and then we both cried known without words something had happened to both of us as we slept. I was amazing to share that moment with him.

I am sure of one thing this morning and one thing only, that I have a second chance and weather it was God, My Angelic Family, Galactic Family or just a high expression of myself, I have someone that believes in me as much as I have always believed in myself and this morning they set me free to live the life I have always been meant to live. And knowing that has truly set me free....