After writing in my Journal this morning I was surfing my documents and came across a old entry that I wrote after a healing session done by a very close friend of mine. As I started to read it I was taken back to that morning and once again reminded of who I am and just how far I have come..
As I woke this morning and the events
of yesterday start to play in my head. I feel I am still processing
what happened but a few things have become obviously clear.
The first is that I have been
telling myself all along that I needed to learn to “love myself”.
What a lie I was telling myself to keep me in the state of thinking
I needed to do more, be more... It became clear as I laid on the
session table allowing the hidden wounds of my past to fly by me as
if going through a worm hole in space. Watching everything that had
wounded me and brought shame into my life go by . I was watching and
feeling all the times of my past that the pain and confusion was to much
to bear that I had not only hidden the memories but also created a
disease to slowly wipe them out. The problem was now the disease was
not only removing the wounded memories but the magical ones too. It had
become time to face them and bring healing into my life. As I viewed
each one that stopped by to look me in the face it became clear I had
to stop and look at who I was now.. because coming from deep inside
me I knew that is all I have and really all that matters. As I did
it became apparent that one thing was clear. I had kept up the good
fight, never giving up on myself. I had been like a fighter in the
ring. I took the punches and shook it off and got back up to fight
again. Each time learning something new about myself and a new skill
to take back in the ring with me. I watched as with each pain and
trauma I forgave my offender and moved on seeing them and events as
my greatest teachers. Now something through the emotions was coming
to the surface and it was my deeper love and respect for myself.
At first I could not see it..
because I need to understand something first. I had never created
these wounds I was just a part of them. Using the fighter analogy
when you step in the ring you are not sure what will happen and each
punch or action is a reaction to the opponents moves. Like a dance of
reaction and action. I knew in my heart I had never intentional
brought pain to anyone in my life. Maybe misunderstanding but I have
not one malice or cruel bone in my body. This I know to be my truth.
So to me it had not become as much about the dance as what I did with
it. Was I going to let it consumes me or was I going to take it as a
lesson and move on. I had always chosen to move on. A deeper part of
me calling through the fight, the battle, the tears and the pain to
not give up, to never give up. It brought me back to that moment on
the deck not so long ago when I thanked Creator by saying “ Thank
you for never giving up on me “ and I heard “ It was you that
never gave up on you”.. The tears rolled and my heart started to
open and I could feel the love I had for myself want to touch the
surface but it was still being held back. Why? I asked had I not
given up, why had I not allowed these people and event to change me..
steal who I was and cause me a life of suffering and more pain now
brought not by them but by myself... and the first of two images
came to mind. The first in all his glory was the image of Jesus with
his hand outreached to me and he said “Faith” faith my child you
never lost the true meaning of faith... and the with a smile that
would light up the universe his next words “ you kept the greatest
of my commands”.. “ Do unto others as you would want them to do
unto you”.... by now the tears flowed. Gushed is a better word...
My heart cracked open and I saw the love I had for myself and
others... At that moment the most painful and fearful memory’s came
like the damn had bust and I at that moment as my eyes open there no
other instinct but to be held and that is what happened with loving
arms around me I let go my greatest fears and my greatest pain... As
I was held for the first time in my life by someone that wanted
nothing in return but to love me and with that I let go... Then he
spoke those words... “ Now you must forgive yourself”...
The second of the insight was
hitting and it was again becoming clear that I had never deeply
forgiven myself for the pain I had let in. I had always been able to
forgive my oppressors and understand why they hurt me but had I ever
really forgave myself for letting them hurt me.. As I gathered myself
to lay back down and clear the next level the words that were being
spoken was... forgive yourself that little girl misses you and loves
you let her come back. Like going through the next worm hole I
watched as the clock ticked back to my childhood and I use that word
to describe the years not the time. I truly never had a childhood..
At 5 I had learned tough lessons and by 9 was pretty much on my own..
never really having friends or family around I grew up fast and those
years of discover became years of survival and lessons that till
yesterday was all I knew. Then she appeared.. With her hair that
flowed down the back of her spine touching the tip of her hips.. with
those beautiful hazel eyes a glow, in her jean summer dress tied in
the back and of course her dirty barefoot feet.. It was me at the age
of 6. I loved that dress and she looked beautiful and she was looking
at me asking me to come with her... she took my hand and danced me
through the grass field with sunflowers blowing in the wind and she
was singing to me the way I sing to Austin... I cried for I hadn't
felt that kind of love and freedom in a very long time... I turned to
her and said “ Please forgive me, I never meant to let them hurt
you”.. and with the eyes of a angel and a heart that spanned the
universe she said “ It is you that must forgive you, it is the
only way to be free” and in that moment I felts her heart reach
out to mine and I said the words' I forgive.... I forgive you and I
forgive me... and my heart burst open in that instance she smiled and
I must say I smiled to then she let go of my hand and said “The
battle is over and you have won the fight.. I knew you had it in
you..” I could feel her eyes saying put down your weapons, let go
of your fears, now you will find peace. As she started to walk into
the Sun light she looked back and said.... “ You do know how
beautiful you are don’t you? Stop looking outside for validation of
who you are all you need is to look within.. it is the only place you
will find the truth..” As she disappeared in a Rainbow light from
the sun.. I now could feel myself.. My beauty, my knowledge, my
wisdom and most of all the love I have for myself...
All these years I had been searching
outside myself for the validation of being loved but all along I had
it right inside me if I would of took the time to see.. As I pulled
myself out of the session as it came to a close.. I was taken back by
the two things that now had set me free... forgiving myself and
learning that I never need to learn to love myself if I just would
have had the right eyes to see I would known I never stopped loving
myself.. I just need to stop letting others define what love was to
me.
As I slowly got up from the table I
took a few minutes to really feel myself... my face, my nose.. my
skin and a voice in my head echoed.. I guess I am beautiful... and
smart.. and I do have a good heart. Then it dawned on me... I had
never taken the time to see my own beauty, to look at my courage and
strength to acknowledge my inner wisdom.... At that moment I was able
to see how disconnected I was to my inner development.. I had always
been so busy trying to work on the things that others thought were
wrong with me I never took the time to enjoy the things that were
“right” about me.. it is not to say I will ever give up my sense
of discovery and expansion but now it is not to fix or make better
but to expand upon. Yesterday was a great unveiling of the deeper
hidden wounds that just needed to be brought to the surface not to
relive them but to see with new eyes and let them go.... Like a
line from a Hallmark movie “Wishing Well” “ There once was a
man that said I can not even see what is right in front of me”.....
I have to say that out of the
session, I was told I looked ten years younger and I can only say I
felt ten years lighter and as the night drew to an end.. I found
myself giggling and it felt good and I was finding a inner strength
that I never knew I had... I was in my minds eye going over
relationship I have in my life now and the ones I want in the future
and I have discovered I am worth more then I ever gave myself credit
for and that I no longer have to or will try to convince people I am
worthy to love, it now is up to them to prove to me they are worth to
be in my life because loving just comes natural to me....
I give thanks this morning to myself
for having the courage again to not be afraid to go deeper and to
have loved me those all these years.... “LOVE YOU JUSTINE!!!!!!
and I love all of you!!
These words echo true today even more so then ever..
Sometime it is good to look back it is when we get stuck there that we run into problems.
