What is wrong with being a Rhino anyways?

It has taken me years to learn that being lazy is okay.

In a society that requires consent motion to equal success this has been a hard lesson to learn.

Many years ago I thought that if I tackled my procrastination problem I would be on the road to success but soon found that in my world that would not be the case. You see I bought goal setting books. I even took online courses and made charts of what to do. I even decided to teach a class thinking this way I would be disciplined and make a habit of it myself. Come to find out I had to cancel the class due to my procrastination.   

Come to find out after years of studying my blood type, how health and wellness comes in many forms and just recently my find of Human Design. I am suppose to be somewhat lazy!

Yay, for me...   

The reason none of that worked for me is because that is not who I am or how I best work in the world. Those who know me can tell you I never lack the drive to get something done, it's just I might wait until I have to or want to. I have also found that when the request comes in a form of "have to" and not my choice I instinctively rebel. Who would of guessed.  

I have often wondered why everyone else seems to have to go, go, go attitude while I usually am more like wait, why and really? That my weekends sometime consist of trips only to the refrigerator, bathroom and bed while others seem to build cities, take trips around the world, while cleaning their houses and making trips to the store. Some weekends my biggest outing is going to the store. No kidding it really is.   I must say that I do have my moments but they are all done in one day, playing taxi, shopping, seeing friends and even writing can all take place in one day and then the next I have to rest up from a full day of being total human.  This use to make me very depressed and over the years as I learned more about my hidden allergies, my illness and how rest seemed to suppress the virus and help my body to heal I lessened up on my self and came to terms with this is who I have become. I never realized this was also who I am suppose to be. Just like you can not judge a fish by his ability to climb a tree. You can not judge a person by what or what they do not do. 

I have recently accepted that to go against the flow of who I am is really stopping my opportunity to move forward.  Making plans to do Yoga in the morning never has worked for me yet every chart had me doing it in the Morning. I write better in the morning when my mind is the clearest.

I love to walk in Nature but when I plan something it never fails that when that day comes around I am just not in the mood. So walking when I feel like it is better then making it a planned activity. I could go on about how I have been silently sabotaging myself by trying to fit into other peoples or societies mold of who they think I should be or want me to be but also comparing myself to others without every allowing myself to find what works best for me. I find this effects many people as I struggle to understand it within myself. I am learning that how I live in the world is dependent on many things, some seen and some unseen and as I have been saying lately. A rhino can think like a unicorn, act like a unicorn, even pretend to be a unicorn but the truth is, it's a rhino always has been and always will be. When the day comes that rhino realizes that will the day that rhino will be truly free.  

Not Just Starting A New Chapter, Picking Up A New Book.....

It seems as if the past couple years that has been all I have been able to do, keep breathing. Moving forward with my life in a more personal or physical way has eluded me. Not only because I was caught in a court battle but also because I was afraid to express anything that could be held against me.  My thoughts. beliefs and lifestyle (food choices) I feared could be twisted and manipulated in a way to affect the out come of the court decision if we were to ever get that far.
I also have been going through a weeding out of the people, place and beliefs ( mine and others) that were holding me back from the life I have always wanted to live. While doing this I had to be vigilant to make sure the stress of court and the toxic people I still had around me didn't trigger a relapse of my virus or cause other complications.
It had been easy to weed out my friends. Time has a way of doing that for me. I did not chase what did not want to stay and allowed people to be themselves without making excuses for them and before I knew it they went away or moved on with their own lives. This made for lonely times but I found that allowed me time to work on me. Why did I still need validation from outside myself and why was I still trying to find my worth in relationships, weather they be love or friendship? The answers did not come easily but over time more has been reveled. Working on changing old patterns of thinking and acting can be very hard when you are being pulled in many direction by people, places and things. Yet somehow over the last two years as I had less people in my inner circle and kept mostly to myself the bigger picture emerged and so did the distraction along with my unrealistic need to save the world. Before I knew it all had become clear to me. Not just in my mind this time but in my spirit and being.
These last two years has brought me many lessons, along with a new clarity about my life and who I will allow in it. What I will give my attention to and how I want my relationships to be with others. I also have rekindled my passion for writing, food and yoga. I have rededicated myself to feeling free to express who I am and share my world in a way that helps others find their way to peace and liberation as well.
I want to thank those of you who have stood by my side and to those who have now moved on, thank you for the loneliness that allowed me to see that chasing friends or family is not for me. That accepting ones behavior that I do not agree with did not make me a saint, it made me a fool. A fool to blind to see that when someone is not in alignment with my values and integrity I do not have to judge but I also do not have to agree. That more then likely that relationship or friendship is not healthy for me and the lesson always is to let it be. That my worth no longer lies in will you be there for me or that you want me in your life. It lies in the fact that I now are truly learning to love and accept me. My worth is found in my passion and I no longer need validation from others to be okay with me. I know the lesson of putting this into practice is just starting but I finally can breath a sense of relief that I no longer have to define who I am or what I am doing by anything or anyone outside of me.
In this crazy human world I now accept I am different then most and my experiences do not define me, they have only guided me into accepting that it's okay to see the world different because not everyone is going to see the world the same or even come close to being like me.  It's not my job anymore to make them understand me or even accept me, just to inform and then let it be. Those that are meant to stay, will and those that are not, that too is now okay with me.
I hope to be more steady with my blogs, sharing this new chapter, hell new book and adventure with you. I invite you to follow me on my Facebook and Instagram as I now embrace this opportunity to explore life through new lenses and through being Authentically me without Fear or Apology..
Life is not really a journey because their is no end to what we can learn and experience. It's more like an experiment in what we have learned and what we allow ourselves to accomplish along the way.
I am excited to start experimenting with the more Authentic Me!!!!

Knowing your boundaries are one thing but setting them is something else.....

Well Hello Again.....

It has been a crazy but wonderful journey these last 5 months. If you follow my blog you know that my last post was about the Call of the Divine Warrior.  When I was drawn to my Oracle deck it gave me inspiration and divine guidance in what I had been through and where I was heading now.
Little did I know that over the next five months I would be cleaning house and setting up boundaries in a way like never before.

Shortly after sharing that post I stepped on a piece of plastic or glass. At the time I thought nothing of it and pulled it out. Weather something stayed in or not we will never truly know, what did happen was it got infected and created a viral infection and before I knew it I was looking forward to surgery. During this time my activity level started to drop and so did my tolerance for people. places and things. My Yoga practices dwindled and so did my movement. I was once again confined mostly to bed because of the pain and the risk of complicating things more. This limited my contact with my friends and once again my world was served up on a sliver and sometimes wooden spoon.

Over the Holidays, Even though I had a great October the high of optimism was fading and the reality of my upcoming surgery was starting to worry me as I wondered if once again my plans would be derailed. I did the best I could to ride out the winter months. Holding on to my plans yet somehow letting go of people and things that were no longer serving me. I am not even sure how it all came to be but it seemed easier and easier to speak my truth and let people go then ever before. I remember being at a friends house for the holiday's and someone asking me what was new and me saying not much except I seem to be breaking up with all my friends. We laughed but how true that was.

The difference this time in my life instead of feeling like I was being left behind, I was now moving on.  If my close friends didn't have time for me, I sure wasn't chasing them anymore. If a man wanted to be in my life he had to make an effort more then just when he was feeling frisky or bored.  I no longer could accept behaviors, old patterns or even the same old drama from anyone in my circle. I just let them walk away or closed the door as soon as they walked away knowing if I was to never chase, they would never even miss me. I didn't feel I needed to explain or give them a chance all I felt was "Let it Go" and the rest will be shown. Oh Boy was it. In many ways by people I expected and people I never would of thought. I must admit it was hard not to take things personal at times but then as I would step back I could see that they were not showing me anything I didn't already know, its just this time I was doing something about it instead of being a passive observer or a nosy body by giving my opinion on the drama or what direction they could be taken instead of just complaining. I was just accepting the truth and then did something about it. This time it just happened to be what I did was walk away.  Maybe a better way of saying it would be I just let others show themselves and then I reacted to that, instead of pointing out what they did that hurt me or trying to point the finger back at myself and ask why. There was a great hurt but also a great weight lifted from my heart in doing this. As you would expect my small circle of close friends got smaller but in the end I was left not having to any longer have people in my life that did not really want to be in it.  Now my world is small but the people in it are in it because they want to be not because they need to be or to gain something from it.

After cleaning house you can say I started setting boundaries for myself and the people who now would be coming into my life and those still in it. This was quite harder. They say old habits die hard and they weren't kidding.  Believe me I was tested at times and failed but the good thing about human behavior is that they repeat their behavior as well. So I would have yet other opportunities to reset boundaries and set new lines in the sand.  I am sure this didn't make me popular but who cares, I was about to be stuck in bed for about a month and a half and to be honest I really was quite happy to shake off any shackles I had created for myself weather they be human or otherwise.

After the New Year I was greeted with a new sense of direction and boundaries. I had decided to put my energy into creating a women circle and hopefully be able to create new relationships while supporting and nurturing the ones I had.  As always on the journey to self discovery I was tested again and this time I had learned from before and spoke my truth and then walked away. This was at times a bold and selfish move but was so needed to start standing up for my worth and acknowledge the one sided relationships I had allowed myself to be in and accept that behavior. In no time I let go of more friends and gained more emotional freedom in myself.

You would think at this point that I would be sad or even emotional over the loss of friends but when you get to be my age you learn one important lesson. Friend is a transient word and so are most human friendships. The value does not come in calling or thinking someone is your friend. It is the behavior in which you interact with this person over the course of time that in the end of their or your life in which you can honesty call yourself friends. Everything else is just sharing company while getting to know a stranger. And how many of us are now strangers to people we once called close friends. More than we would like to admit. Friends come and go but the path is forever.

During February and March I was able to get out and do some community education around the election process and set up some women circle events.  I was thrilled to be out of the house and meeting new people while still setting boundaries for what friends I had left. This was a new skill of opening myself up to new relationships, while resolving others.  I knew that I could easy end up with no friends left at some point but also knew that if that was what was needed to move me down the path so be it.

I knew soon I would be laid up in bed and the work would take care of itself. Friends and Lovers seem to always disappear when it is their time to invest. We all have experienced this. I often tell a story how for years I lived in denial that if I was dying I knew my friends and family would support me and be there, their just busy now but if I really, really needed them. To my surprise when I was dying those people never came, some checked on me but when I didn't die fast enough (a week or so) they moved on.  Sad but that is how life really works and it worked this time as well.  This time I wasn't dying but some people who I had been there no matter what for, invested my friendship in or just even casually started a friendship/love interest just happened to conveniently not be around anymore. When I now needed help taking care of myself and family they were no where to be found. I was disappointed at first more than mad yet somehow now I am glad, it allowed me to see people for who they are not for who I had hoped they would be.  On Easter my sister died and once again to my surprise and somewhat not to my surprise, more people showed their true self.   What a lesson this has been for me. Let me set one thing straight,  I  do have a few VERY great people in my life and I am grateful for them. They are not who I am talking about in this blog. They are the ones who no matter what are always there. They are not the people who distract you with their drama or selfish gain or make you second guess yourself. They are the ones who reach out even when you cant and  are the ones who accept your flaws and love you despite of them.

For now I am recovering from surgery and back to contemplating life while riding out this next Retrograde.  Which for this Mercury girl might just be a good thing. There is nothing more life changing then having to examine your life from laying on a bed while watching the world through the internet. I will say this It has it's advantages and it drawn backs. When June comes I might not have the life I started with 5-6 months ago or even half the friends but there is one thing for sure! I am making way for a new life and chapter. One filled with people, places and things that help carry me through my journey instead of weighing me down or keeping me distracted from living my dreams.



So what have I learned over these past few months:

That this journey is a solitaire one in which we along the way meet strangers that stay in our lives for a reason, a season or part of a lifetime but in the end it only comes down to me. My choices and perceptions. That  most of those people only will stay when we have shared perceptions and likes and when those change then so will our time. Others will come with neighborhoods, jobs or with relationships, yours or your friends. Those too will mostly fade the moment those end or you move as well. So as to this lesson I have to remind myself, "what does not help me on my path only stops me from moving on it."

Boundaries when it comes to relationships weather spoken or unspoken are a must. Without boundaries it is easy for most of us to lose ourselves and our paths along the way. I also have learned we tend to compromise who we are for fear of not being accepted or liked when we do that.  Setting
boundaries is a outwardly way of saying I have respect for myself and you. We can either go around compromising ourselves for strangers we hope to one day call our friend/lover or be true to ourselves and live an authentic life and draw people into your life that respect and accept you and your values without you ever having to compromise one bit. As hard as it is to set boundaries, I will take a Authentic life any day!!       

That all the good intentions in the world get you no where until you are ready to put them into action
and finally that sometimes in order to make a new path you have to first clean up the one your on, so that when you move on nothing is left undone or stuck to the bottom of your foot as you carry on. Because boundaries in the end have to do more with me than they ever have to do about you....

The Call Of The Divine Warrior......

It always seems I have so much on my plate. Illness, being a single Mother along with being a driver and shopper for my Mother, writing a book, taking care of a house hold,  getting my Yoga Certification, just being a women, sister, friend, seeking enlightenment, the list can go on and on.

These past two years though has been the hardest. I have had to let go of a relationship that had  been toxic to me while fighting a court battle to protect the rights of my son to just say "No" .  To have the court system look at him not as a number on a docket but a real living breathing person with emotions, feelings and opinions of his own, more important that kids have voices too and that they are not property to be fought over, used as a weapon of revenge or against their will be shuffled from home to home like a bag of luggage or exposed to bullying or abuse because one parent chooses a partner whose lifestyle is not like your own.

These past two years brought up Anger I had never experienced and pain so wrenching some days I thought my heart was just going to explode but I carried on the best I could. I let go of the distractions and worked on the co-depend behavior that kept me trying to make a sick man well with just my love. I learned how to stand up for what was right no matter the risk or cost and I held on to the truth knowing in my heart that it would in the end set us free.

 I never gave up on the vision that some day I would get my children's book published along with the others that are waiting, like dreams on the shelve I was keeping, knowing one day I would grow tall and strong enough to reach them and pull them down and open them up. Lately I checked and I am so close to opening that first jar!! You know the feeling of " I cant tell you but I feel like I am here to do something important"  that you just cant shake. It's that feeling that comes from deep in my soul that has kept me alive and moving through the pain, the doubts, the fear, the heart ache and betrayal I have experienced.

This morning I was drawn to get one of my Oracle decks out for my meditation.  ISIS Oracle, one of my two latest ones,  called to me. I simple asked can you tell me just something or a message about where I am going or whats going on? Knowing deeply that even I need outside validation of my outwardly path I knew the card that I would pull would give me insight, strength, warning or blessings.  To my surprise it gave me all.

   "The Divine Warrior guides you to your Divine Destiny. The Divine Warrior energy exists within men and women as an inner propulsion to continue with a worthy path even during times of difficulty. When faced with a challenge, a true Warrior will summon more of him or herself to the cause- it might be more wisdom, focus,intelligence and surrender into the Divine. The Warrior within has great inner resourcefulness and determination. This part of you will lead you to spiritual success"


As I read the description tears came to my eyes of just how true this card is when it comes to my Divine Warrior aspects and self.  I have bravely faced many challenges yet never have I wavered very far from the path for very long before that inner voice would call me to summon everything I had to carry on. A deeper part of me knew that I just hadn't experienced all life had to offer me yet but more than that, what I was capable to accomplishing, Mind, Body or Soul.

I am just starting to be able to accept that in February of 2013 for the first time in over 15 years the virus that was causing the Cancer was "Non-Detected" because only 4 months later would the court battle began. I never really had a chance to celebrate my victory or enjoy my time in remission before we knew it would come again for me and it did.  I am only starting to even comprehend that there are no more court dates, no more lawyers and mediation, that I no longer have to police myself and censor myself  because of fear my words might turn into weapons that could lead to my son telling me again how "He wanted to end his life".

 This path has not been a easy one but today's card gave a reassurance that I am on the Divine Warrior path and that Life will bring challenges of our truth, our integrity and determination to not give up the fight.  The fight to live the life you were born to live, to be one day stand tall enough and strong enough to reach for your Dreams.

This card is for all of us who when we wanted to give up we didn't, We surrendered when we needed to and fought like Hell when we had to but most of all we listen to the Divine Warrior in each of us that whispered to us to just keep moving on.

May your Divine path be opened up and May you enter into this time of change as a gift for your diligent work of never giving up on yourself...

Everyday is a winding road.......

When looking back over the years and just the posts on here I find that I have had as many new beginnings as I have hit dead ends. I am starting to think it has been neither. It has been more like a steady growth with the shedding of the old me along with creating a life that meets my needs and feeds my passions more than like a cow being lead to slaughter goes through the motions knowing in the end there is only death but never being able to fully enjoy life.

 I have witnessed many deaths of my old self over the years. Wayne Dyer said once that yes he believed in reincarnation he feels like he has been reborn many times in this lifetime and so do I. Maybe that is what the mystic were trying to say that as we awaken to our own individual strengths and weakness we can let go of  what no longer serves us and work at those things that bring us back into oneness with ourselves. With language we have created chaos and confusion. Simplicity is where we can find freedom from suffering.

When we relearn to trust ourselves and our inner voice the old world does die and a new one is born and sometimes it is in a blink of an insight and other times it is after suffering so long there in no other choice but to surrender.

When I first recognized how sick I was I remember standing in the bathroom telling my then husband that " yes I believe in the possibility of reincarnation but I will never be this person, in this time in history, with you and Austin or most of all in this skin I am in again". I remember how I pulled up the skin from my hand while saying those last words and think how true that statement was.  My whole life changed in that moment. I might not be guaranteed a afterlife but I am giving daily chances to become born again in this one by accepting my worth, living for and through my passions and accepting the small deaths along the journey that lead me back to the Truth.

Life is only a journey of self discovery you can either enjoy the ride or like a cow to slaughter wait for it to all end.

As for me I will keep moving down this winding road that keeps leading me back to my true authentic self....

We are capable of so much more....

Yesterday my mind was a buzz with blogging, bringing an old group Medical Misfits back to life on Facebook and feeling somewhat alive again. My body is still in a resting mode. I have been rubbing on Lemongrass oil on my neck and shoulders along with doTerra Balance.  The combination of the two have been helpful in relieving the stiffness in those areas. Yesterday was the first full day without a headache and No Body aches! I have decided to take the rest of the week and possible weekend to continue resting up while getting caught up. My mind seems to be sharper and ready to get on with organizing all the information and notes I have had since early 2000.

 I am right now and have been going through my numerous notebooks and getting familiar with what is in them. Since a lot of them were written during my illness and I cant even remember writing most of the things.  I recognize my hand writing but some of the words and thoughts are escaping me now when I am looking back. You can't imagine what a strange sense I get when reading such emotional words knowing they came from my heart but I have no memory of writing them let alone experiencing them,  During my illness Dr. P said to help me understand how the reoccurring encephalitis was affecting my brain was to watch 50 First Dates. That gave me the idea to write so I could remember but I seemed to forgot sometimes to write, leaving just moments in time captured on paper with no rhyme or reason. Thoughts along with recipes. yoga theory and poses, insight into inflammation, viral diseases to evolution theories and profound understandings of man and his relationship to the universe and himself.  it is a 15 year of study and inner perspective during a time when I was trying to understand what was happening to me and my body. It is a looking back not in the same way as one remembers memories of a past it is more in the amazement that the mind is more than a body part that tells the body what it is seeing, feeling and then try and make sense of it. It is a beautiful bio organic computer capable of doing things in which we have yet to be able to understand. One can say it has a mind of its own. Possibly a higher mind/self in which with open ears all of us can hear when we listen with our hearts and not the mind.  I can only speak for myself but in my case that higher mind was not only being a single mother but taking notes and gathering information to not only keep me alive then but even know. It left me memories of moments in time but it also left me with insight that has changed the very person I am and I see it changing my future as over the past 48 hours I have been amazed by the information I have at my fingertips. Its like many books are waiting to be written and all the research has already been done for me. Like a good student its time for me to gather my notes and write that thesis. My life is taking shape and I am so glad I am not in charge but my passion for helping others, my desire to be the change I want to see and the sheer fact that I didn't come this far to leave just yet, is!!! Time to let the Higher Mind/ Spirit Conciseness/Heart/Soul any word you describe that Divine Essences that never left my side while I was sick and kept my body, heart and soul in the kind of Faith it took to fight the sleeping dragon to take the reigns this time, the only difference is illness does not have to be its inspiration, Living an authentic life is.....

Getting Back To Life...

As I am gathering myself and my things this morning for my Tea and Mediation time, I found myself smiling as I felt like a school girl going off to school. Getting my tea or sometimes sacred cacao going as I gather my note books, binders, pencils and pens, then spontaneously start grabbing things around the house to sit with and drink my morning cup of love and medicine. I laughed out loud as I thought "Oh yes, better grab that Yoga Teacher book, I need to spend time studying that today." Off to school I go, The College of Justine!!
 What a laugh but what a truth that is! I might not of been the best student in a industrial set up school but I am so the Poster Child of a Home Schooler,  I find a subject I like and I am interested in and within 48 hours I can and have researched more about it than most people would in their lifetime. It use to be jokingly said if you wanted to know anything ask Justine, she either will know, find out, or find someone who could answer it. Oh and the subjects ranged from simple how to's all the way to quantum physics and alternate origins of evolution.
Then I got sick and the doctors had no answers, so I turned to what I know best research. Just this time I thought I was researching to understand my illness and ended up learning how to safe my own life.
 Over 18 years ago I started a journey of holistic healing and conscious living that not only changed my life but as I said saved it. It start with a virus that just wouldn't go away and in early 2011 that virus became Cancer and Reoccurring Encephalitis and I had to fight for my life and my Consciousnesses (Brain) every day until February  2013 when the Cancer went dormant again. That still left many battles with now every virus in the Family Tree active but that also gave me years to study and  research my illness and other Autoimmune disorders and Inflammation diseases. I took that along with my history of study in the esoteric and mystic approach to healing and causes of disease and discovered the answers had been with me all along. Wow, what a ride it has been and I have tried to share with you along the way what has saved my life and gave me such a adventure in emotions but also helped me get through some of the most challenging times of my life and I have been honored to share that journey with you on here, Facebook, Instagram and most of all in person.
Though out those years I have kept many journals and notes and recipes that not only gave me inspiration through the years but insight to the Mind and Body connection along with the Divine presence that is moving through us and around us always. Over the past few months I have been coming across more and more notes and I was feeling a strong sense it is time for me to gather them. This last bout with the virus was not pretty and it came on faster than ever but left faster than ever!! It was like being given a second chance at life! How many times do I need to face death before I can finally lock that door behind me. I think twice is enough and since I was told another would kill me I see last week as a inspiration to get back to School! The school of life and gather and share, even possible lecture or teach again. I feel anything is possible! I didn't realize it until last night. The doctors knew the virus would come for me and it did, I faced the sleeping dragon and I put him to sleep before he could kill me. What a sense of gratitude I am having in this moment. The areas I have spent the last two years holding onto worked better than any western medicine could of ever did alone for me. I have learned so much about food, yoga and the divine body and the combined power of faith and action.
Over the winter I hope to share the journey of gathering my notes and recipes and developing a way to bring them into creation..  To be able to share those areas in which helps to serve your higher purpose and bring you, me and our planet back into balance with nature and ourselves.

I had a vision this last time I was sick it was time to weave my web of light so that not only may The Wounded Healer feel comforted but bring healing to all that wish to be healed, changed or transformed through faith and action.

" We must heal what is fractured before we can become whole."
                                                                                   Justine Brasil
                                                                                             (2006)

Guess it time to gather my notes and get back to the school of life, I have some living to do......