Well Hello Again.....
It has been a crazy but wonderful journey these last 5 months. If you follow my blog you know that my last post was about the Call of the Divine Warrior. When I was drawn to my Oracle deck it gave me inspiration and divine guidance in what I had been through and where I was heading now.
Little did I know that over the next five months I would be cleaning house and setting up boundaries in a way like never before.
Shortly after sharing that post I stepped on a piece of plastic or glass. At the time I thought nothing of it and pulled it out. Weather something stayed in or not we will never truly know, what did happen was it got infected and created a viral infection and before I knew it I was looking forward to surgery. During this time my activity level started to drop and so did my tolerance for people. places and things. My Yoga practices dwindled and so did my movement. I was once again confined mostly to bed because of the pain and the risk of complicating things more. This limited my contact with my friends and once again my world was served up on a sliver and sometimes wooden spoon.
Over the Holidays, Even though I had a great October the high of optimism was fading and the reality of my upcoming surgery was starting to worry me as I wondered if once again my plans would be derailed. I did the best I could to ride out the winter months. Holding on to my plans yet somehow letting go of people and things that were no longer serving me. I am not even sure how it all came to be but it seemed easier and easier to speak my truth and let people go then ever before. I remember being at a friends house for the holiday's and someone asking me what was new and me saying not much except I seem to be breaking up with all my friends. We laughed but how true that was.
The difference this time in my life instead of feeling like I was being left behind, I was now moving on. If my close friends didn't have time for me, I sure wasn't chasing them anymore. If a man wanted to be in my life he had to make an effort more then just when he was feeling frisky or bored. I no longer could accept behaviors, old patterns or even the same old drama from anyone in my circle. I just let them walk away or closed the door as soon as they walked away knowing if I was to never chase, they would never even miss me. I didn't feel I needed to explain or give them a chance all I felt was "Let it Go" and the rest will be shown. Oh Boy was it. In many ways by people I expected and people I never would of thought. I must admit it was hard not to take things personal at times but then as I would step back I could see that they were not showing me anything I didn't already know, its just this time I was doing something about it instead of being a passive observer or a nosy body by giving my opinion on the drama or what direction they could be taken instead of just complaining. I was just accepting the truth and then did something about it. This time it just happened to be what I did was walk away. Maybe a better way of saying it would be I just let others show themselves and then I reacted to that, instead of pointing out what they did that hurt me or trying to point the finger back at myself and ask why. There was a great hurt but also a great weight lifted from my heart in doing this. As you would expect my small circle of close friends got smaller but in the end I was left not having to any longer have people in my life that did not really want to be in it. Now my world is small but the people in it are in it because they want to be not because they need to be or to gain something from it.
After cleaning house you can say I started setting boundaries for myself and the people who now would be coming into my life and those still in it. This was quite harder. They say old habits die hard and they weren't kidding. Believe me I was tested at times and failed but the good thing about human behavior is that they repeat their behavior as well. So I would have yet other opportunities to reset boundaries and set new lines in the sand. I am sure this didn't make me popular but who cares, I was about to be stuck in bed for about a month and a half and to be honest I really was quite happy to shake off any shackles I had created for myself weather they be human or otherwise.
After the New Year I was greeted with a new sense of direction and boundaries. I had decided to put my energy into creating a women circle and hopefully be able to create new relationships while supporting and nurturing the ones I had. As always on the journey to self discovery I was tested again and this time I had learned from before and spoke my truth and then walked away. This was at times a bold and selfish move but was so needed to start standing up for my worth and acknowledge the one sided relationships I had allowed myself to be in and accept that behavior. In no time I let go of more friends and gained more emotional freedom in myself.
You would think at this point that I would be sad or even emotional over the loss of friends but when you get to be my age you learn one important lesson. Friend is a transient word and so are most human friendships. The value does not come in calling or thinking someone is your friend. It is the behavior in which you interact with this person over the course of time that in the end of their or your life in which you can honesty call yourself friends. Everything else is just sharing company while getting to know a stranger. And how many of us are now strangers to people we once called close friends. More than we would like to admit. Friends come and go but the path is forever.
During February and March I was able to get out and do some community education around the election process and set up some women circle events. I was thrilled to be out of the house and meeting new people while still setting boundaries for what friends I had left. This was a new skill of opening myself up to new relationships, while resolving others. I knew that I could easy end up with no friends left at some point but also knew that if that was what was needed to move me down the path so be it.
I knew soon I would be laid up in bed and the work would take care of itself. Friends and Lovers seem to always disappear when it is their time to invest. We all have experienced this. I often tell a story how for years I lived in denial that if I was dying I knew my friends and family would support me and be there, their just busy now but if I really, really needed them. To my surprise when I was dying those people never came, some checked on me but when I didn't die fast enough (a week or so) they moved on. Sad but that is how life really works and it worked this time as well. This time I wasn't dying but some people who I had been there no matter what for, invested my friendship in or just even casually started a friendship/love interest just happened to conveniently not be around anymore. When I now needed help taking care of myself and family they were no where to be found. I was disappointed at first more than mad yet somehow now I am glad, it allowed me to see people for who they are not for who I had hoped they would be. On Easter my sister died and once again to my surprise and somewhat not to my surprise, more people showed their true self. What a lesson this has been for me. Let me set one thing straight, I do have a few VERY great people in my life and I am grateful for them. They are not who I am talking about in this blog. They are the ones who no matter what are always there. They are not the people who distract you with their drama or selfish gain or make you second guess yourself. They are the ones who reach out even when you cant and are the ones who accept your flaws and love you despite of them.
For now I am recovering from surgery and back to contemplating life while riding out this next Retrograde. Which for this Mercury girl might just be a good thing. There is nothing more life changing then having to examine your life from laying on a bed while watching the world through the internet. I will say this It has it's advantages and it drawn backs. When June comes I might not have the life I started with 5-6 months ago or even half the friends but there is one thing for sure! I am making way for a new life and chapter. One filled with people, places and things that help carry me through my journey instead of weighing me down or keeping me distracted from living my dreams.
So what have I learned over these past few months:
That this journey is a solitaire one in which we along the way meet strangers that stay in our lives for a reason, a season or part of a lifetime but in the end it only comes down to me. My choices and perceptions. That most of those people only will stay when we have shared perceptions and likes and when those change then so will our time. Others will come with neighborhoods, jobs or with relationships, yours or your friends. Those too will mostly fade the moment those end or you move as well. So as to this lesson I have to remind myself, "what does not help me on my path only stops me from moving on it."
Boundaries when it comes to relationships weather spoken or unspoken are a must. Without boundaries it is easy for most of us to lose ourselves and our paths along the way. I also have learned we tend to compromise who we are for fear of not being accepted or liked when we do that. Setting
boundaries is a outwardly way of saying I have respect for myself and you. We can either go around compromising ourselves for strangers we hope to one day call our friend/lover or be true to ourselves and live an authentic life and draw people into your life that respect and accept you and your values without you ever having to compromise one bit. As hard as it is to set boundaries, I will take a Authentic life any day!!
That all the good intentions in the world get you no where until you are ready to put them into action
and finally that sometimes in order to make a new path you have to first clean up the one your on, so that when you move on nothing is left undone or stuck to the bottom of your foot as you carry on. Because boundaries in the end have to do more with me than they ever have to do about you....
