Finding my roots.....

Look mom, I lost my tooth!

Something is Happening,,,,,, and it feels Beautiful....

My morning magic...

    there is something special about starting the morning with something that is made especially for you.. 
     my "Justine Tea" never tasted so good.....

Time For A Change....

It's time for a change in my blog. This Blog has been reflection of my life up until this point. It has been my attempt through the past few years to gain a better understand of my feelings and emotions and also hope to catch some memories of my life along the way. It has been a personal struggle since I play in the field of "perfection" and since communication is my strength but the virus has left me less then confident in that area I have struggled with this Blog and my video diaries.. So I am going to allow myself a new way of expressing myself and what is happening in my life..... so I hope you enjoy along with me this ride of self exploration and artist expression.... looking forward to seeing what unfolds.......

Waking Up and Breaking Free......

    

Not sure if I can explain how I am feeling but to say it is like waking up from a deep sleep. A uplifting as if a weight has been lifted. Maybe the prophecies of the veil being lift were as I suspected, a change in conciseness. I have diffidently been doing a lot of personal research in my life by living my theories and beliefs over these past 7 years and I personal am seeing through a new perceptive.  I can only say I have been in a cycle of change which felt many times as If I was struck and maybe at times I was. In my own denial and judgement. This time I can feel a self forgiveness and acceptance which I have never  felt in my heart before, it had always been only of the mind. Which seem to be right where I need to be. Living from the heart of what Matters.. not from Matters of the Heart.... breaking the cycle and finally setting me free.
    All that has happened I always believed was worth it good or bad.. it just was. What was needed to bring me to a moment. One in which over the years has changed many times as I aged.. now I see it was all bringing me to today... this feeling.. this knowing... the strange thing is I can not put my finger on what has changed but my heart can feel it and that is good enough for me . 
   I wish there was a word to describe this guidance I am feeling but there is not it just is. 
  I wish I could share the feeling of well being but I can not
 I wish I could share the secret of how this moment came to be but not even do I know.
 I wish I could give you the courage it will take to live your truth and the faith you will need to carry you through.. But 
I can give you this... It is worth it! every tear you will cry, every one you will lose and every truth you will find that was a lie... when you get here it will seem like past lives you once lived.... and you will be ready to live the life you were meant... one with inner acceptance and understanding, that alone is priceless..... 

Reconnecting with that Little Girl and Giving Her a second chance to Live!

This morning and the last few days I have been taking sometime to go within and really find what has got me to this point in my life. As some of you know I have been reading and sharing my mental time with my new friend "Zig" and the first part of his plan to success is to look at ones self image. The first few paragraphs really got me thinking about my thinking lately. what kind of self image have I been portraying. I was coming up with a blank or just didn't want to look so I took a different approach. One I took when I was first told I should be dead. the one were you look through your children's eyes and ask yourself when they grow up what will they remember about you and your time with them. This again shook up my world a bit, then I really took a look at my actions and emotions the past few months and even past few years. As you might be able to tell this was a bit deeper then I wanted to go. seeing as the past month has been such a emotional ride itself why did I ask for more emotional pain but the truth be told I never want to walk this path again!!! so what ever it takes. The next step was to go deeper and see how I really see myself into comparison to how others see me or I allow them to see me. This took on a whole new world of its own. I guess it is easy to look at how others might perceive you another to ask yourself how you see you. 

In the eighties there was a term being thrown around that never sat well with me "healing your inner child" I would pick up books look through a few pages and then move on never really understanding or even wanting to look at that part of me. Guess now I must if I want to gain some acceptance and understanding of who I am and how I got here. last night after talking to a really good friend of mine we talked about nurturing that part of me that was neglected, abandoned and abused when I was younger. That part of me that never had a chance to grow up because life became serious at such a young age that I never really was given the foundation in which to build a stable life or at least the emotional and mental stability I now crave . Please do not get me wrong I have forgiven my mother for not knowing how her actions had effected me and I have forgiven my father for his silence response to things he didn't know was either going on or what he could do about them. I have even forgiven them for allowing to to leave home at such a young age and never once asking me why or what my life was like during those years. Forgiveness finally came years ago and then I set the memories on the shelf  and was just grateful I survived those years but that little girl still never got what all little girls want, let alone every child on the face of this earth. LOVE! people have criticized and judged me as a mother for the affection I show to Austin and way I mother him but if they walked a mile in my shoes during my early years they would know why I love like I do and how I know the importance of giving children the love, acceptance, encouragement, truth and understanding they deeply need and crave. So now as I look at what as a little girl I missed I am at a loss to how to gain that back. So instead of looking back I am like always moving forward.. Asking that "Inner little girl what she would like" " what can I do to bring her healing and joy. to nurture her in such a way that I can integrate those years into a the women I am becoming now. I know I have some work ahead as I look back and let go. I am brought back to another time in my life where words and actions took on a new and deeper meaning. Here I stand again understanding that in the New Age movement there are a lot of terms we throw around and use with out even knowing the deeper meaning. We can not truly understand a word or phrase until we have experienced it. Now the term inner child takes on a humanness I never imagined and  is giving me an opportunity to explore that part of my childhood missed so long ago. Isn't it amazing how in my last post I said that I felt "Zig" was taking me back to move me forward and that is what is happening. That little girl is waking up and asking to be acknowledged and healed from her inner wounds. 2012 for me is starting to be the end of the world.. the world I held onto in order to survive and now I am moving into one where I will finally be able to live free from the wounds of the past. the band-aids are coming off and it time for the real healing to begin. The first thing I think I will do for that little girl is buy her a stuffed animal.. Austin bestfriends are covered in fur and take baths in the washer and I love the way they make him smile, Guess I will go find my first best friend too.. 

Dreams Of Pringle Machines and My New Friend Zig

   This morning has been great! Nice to wake up with a feeling of Hope and a promise of a new day. Austin woke me up asking if we could have a pringles 
vending machine in our house and of course I said yes! I really cant see why not. I asked what kind it would carry and he said original and sour cream and onion. My only request is for pizza flavor and he said yes so its a deal!! I asked if he had a dream about one and he said yes mom and boy was it nice.
  Nothing like a great creative dream to get the imagination going. I am sure deep inside Austin knows the chances are slim that we would be getting one soon but he loves it that I never say no to a day or even night dream. I guess that is why his imagination and dreams have stayed alive. I just cant help myself I by no way never want to be a dream stealer!! There are enough other people out there waiting to do that so never let it be said a Mother would crush her baby's dream of a pringle machine!! 

On to other things took a walk this morning after starting to read "See You At The Top" by Zig Ziglar. I am sure I have read this before but somehow it found its way back in my hands yesterday at the library and I am so glad it did! I am already starting to like my new friend "Zig" what a delight to wake up with his words pouring into my soul over a great cup of herbal tea. 
He does make a new day feel like the first day of the rest of my life. Boy have I said those words a million time and probably have restarted my life a couple times now that I think of it. Yesterday when watching an old "Wayne Dryer" video he talked about maybe not believing in reincarnation but he does see in his own life that he has had many bodies and many lives. This really got me thinking about that and it really open my heart to a new way of thinking of  what I once thought of as my failures. They were like mini deaths not poor attempts at a good life. In every story of victory there are always many obstacles and challenges. Even "Joseph Campbell" talks about the Hero's Journey" and that it is never an easy one. So when did I pick up that life here was spouse to be a straight shot to happiness and success?  Guess Zig is right sometimes our stinkin thinking comes from outside ourselves. maybe I have lived many lives in this one body with many Hero's journey and now it is time to take another one! I sure like the sound of that better than. "Great Justine look at the mess you made again and you are no further to your goal of a good life then you where 4 years ago".. YUCK what a bad taste that leaves in my mouth and what a pain in my heart. I like the thought of a new adventure around the corner! Some how that puts a skip in my walk and a song in my heart. and who knows maybe there is a pringle machine just waiting for a good home!! 

Well with that I am off to eat some breakfast maybe watch a movie and spend the day getting to know myself a little better and listening to my new friend Zig remind me of the things I once taught about but since i have been sick forgotten.. Feels like he is rekindling an old part of me to go on this new adventure and what more can I ask for on a beautiful Thursday morning!!

Finding A Little Balance...Can Sure Make A Big Difference!

 I am not sure about anyone else but I am getting the message loud and clear about "Slow down and Find some Balance" Some of us including me were hoping to find a partner or even with the one we were with that together we would find balance, the twin flame aspect. together teaching each other and carrying each other through the shift of the Ages.. In my case that did not happen and I was forced with a Deeper more meaning full one... To Find Balance Inside Myself... this is not everyone's but it Is mine and I am sure there are others... So now the next step in to learn take that balance into my everyday life.. wow what a Challenge it has been so far and I am only a few days into even understand it myself.. It is opening a new world I never thought was there... If this what they have been talking about then it is right there like a veil waiting to be lifted. It is all in slowing down, looking around and trying some balance.. looking at things from a new perception not one created for you but one you give to yourself.. what a beautiful space it is to be here.. and to be able to share it with everyone around me.

   Austin seems to be feeling it as well. He finds it funny to see me coming to life in ways that maybe we had talked about, done maybe once 5 years ago. Like this morning we had a pillow fight. We started our morning with a bit of laughter in a way that a year ago even if I could I wouldn't because I was so against  aggression. I had watched the boys play where we lived in California and it was nothing but kicking and hitting each other and the Parents were just oblivious to the impact their children behavior  was doing to the other kids and the Parent like me that had to either protect our kids or watch them beat up other parents children. No wonder at my bus stop now I am known as the "Bus Stop Mother". I laugh but it is true . There seemed to be no balance so that left me with none because I did not want Austin growing up thinking that to play with someone and have fun you have to hit them or kick them. the idea of hurting someone and then saying "I was just playing" and that was okay was not with me. Something inside me said this just cant be right.

     The right thing I thought was to just let him play with kids that didn't play like that. There was our problem. the task was like looking for a needle in a haystack, far and few in between. So I would take hi to parks and we would take day trips so we could get out but also hopefully meet others like us. When that was a bust I thought maybe inviting the kids over one at a time might be best. That did have its perks until we were invited to event and the brawls and mini UFC matches happened and I either was the paranoid mom or one of though hippie kind.  As you can see I was finding no balance. By that point I must say neither was I was pretty disillusioned at the state I had found myself when it came to this. If I said okay Austin to make friend you will just have to throw out the "Hands are for Helping Not For Hurting" that you were taught by us and reinforced by your school  or you can stay safe in the world of only playing with your cousins.. What a small world I was creating for him or was it society that was now forcing me to hold onto my standard meant being isolated in our own community.  Most of you all know what I did to find my answer, I moved 3000 miles away.

   I took a risk that has so paid off in many ways. I realized that I would not conform my beliefs to those around me whose value did not reflect those of my own. I do not judge them anymore because I have tried to understand, be apart of and even reach out to but that is their way of live and I respect it even if I choose to not be a part of it. You see in learning Balance you must seek to find your own not force other to adapt to yours. We are all individuals whose values and experiences make us who we are and to change that is to deny oneself and that only creates an in balance in family, communities and the world. When Austin came to Maine at first he too had to find balance with play. he was so use to the children being demanding and forceful and even hurtful he took a hard stance. Which was hard as a mother to see that the play time he had experienced had left its mark on who he was already. ( those of you that read my web page know this story of this fear. and yes it came to pass) Over time he adjust to the tough and rugged kid play here but without the needless hitting and kicking or even the being bullied. Kids here like the outdoor and their imagination as well as video games and a little rough house but it was different.. It was the fact that the core values where I live now are so different from those where I moved from. It has given us both a chance to find balance in playing. Where once I band guns of any kind, I now have bought a few. He is aloud to play battle and fighting with toy weapons and light saver. The differences now is we have a understanding, we talked about the real world and the violence that has created chaos that is effecting us all in one way or another. We still keep having discussion as he gets older. Even just last week he had a sleep over where the last one it was all fighting and guns to the point where someone got hurt so this time Austin decide that it best since what happened last time that they don't play with the Nerf guns. So he let his friend know and he was fine with it so on the way to the house we had a chance to talk and the boys I think learned a few things that helped them get a new perceptive because the next morning I could tell they were restless to go outside and play but , play what without weapons. They are boys... so I said look we had a good talk and you have been so good why dont you play outside with your guns. To my surprise they decide that if they did they would not use bullets and they would rather use bow and arrows and toy knifes. I must say it was nice seeing them making choice of balance when given the option to not have too. I think Austin and I have came to a place where like this morning that the act is in the heart and everything in balance is great it is when we are closed to other perceptive or we walk away from our own truths that our life becomes unbalanced and then unmanageable.. Balance I am find is not a destination as much as a way to navigate my journey and that I am just starting to understand how powerful it can be in the big picture and in the everyday moments.  

  What a beautiful gift to see that lesson come full circle today as I had the best pillow fight I have ever had in my life and that was worth moving 3000 miles and waiting 3 years for!!!!! 

This Post Inspired By My Life and  Being drawn to Research what an unbalanced

life would look like by watching "Wife Swap" want an eye opener 

watch a few episodes of that! Bet you can find a reflection of yourself (I sure did a few times)

Laugh your Butt off then find some balance in your life and some tolerance in those around you!! 

Venus Message is To "Love Thy Self"..

  

 I can see a theme running through the airwaves of sorts this morning. One of wholeness and relationship. This is not a new theme but it seems to be a personal one. I mean that in the most literal sense. After settling in for my morning stretch and communion with self. I found my mind drifting into thoughts about the upcoming Venus Transit. What are we or more like I to gather from this event and its energy. From all I have read about it is once again letting go of the old and allowing the new. Removing blocks and old patterns  from our path. This time though its on a more personal front. Like everyone else I have been purging outside stress, toxins and anything that I felt was keeping me from moving forward. I have bravely faced my demons and still continue to pull my own covers but this energy is asking something different, something deeper. It is asking me to become whole. complete within myself. This is not something I think I even know how to do. So as you can see my thoughts were only taking me deeper into the confusing world of the mind/Ego then it happened, Validation! 

 As I picked up my Mediation Book " Awakening" by Shakti Gawain I was greeted by the last two days entries.. June 3rd "wholeness within us" and June4th "Bring Spirit into world". As I started to read it all became clear, what a simply message Venus was bringing me as the answer. "To become whole we must live a scared life." the concept seemed even foreign to me. 

 The first entry "wholeness within us" talked about developing a relationship with ourselves. I have found comfort and strength through out my illness and life with this concept. When I say concept I must admit that is all it has been to me. I have thought being alone to be equal to being in relationship. Boy was I wrong. You can be alone and still never know yourself. You must learn to be in communion with self.  Something I have tried to practice but living it daily I must admit have been a rough task. I think when I was a child I was my best friend, my counsel, protector, mother and so on. It seemed natural to trust yourself and to discover more about you as you learned new things and took on new adventures. Somewhere over time that inner validation became the voice of someone who knew nothing and outside validation became the demanded even sot after emotional validation. I have had this insight many times;You must love yourself because looking for outside validation will never satisfy what only you can give yourself. A strange thing happens when you stop seeking outside validation the first thing you notice is those who you were seeking after almost become resentful you don't need them anymore. What we didn't realize was we were their validations for their worth as well.  Its like a mind game we play with each other.. I will make you fell worthy if you make me. and when someone doesn't do it in the way we think they should or could we get resentful. This also keeps us from a relationship with our selves. we are so busy learning what other expect and want from us to be validated we lose ourselves. The other thing is we have to take responsibly for our own thoughts and action. this can be scary, no one to blame but ourselves.  When we stop seeking our validation outside ourselves we will soon get past the fear and there is a freedom to be ourselves, our true self without guards or masks.Can you imagine a world were you began to trust yourself to make the best decisions for you. Seems only right doesn't it? That is the one person you will never truly be able to lie to and you do know you best don't you?

  Now that we know where we are going how do we get there. Today June 4th entry had that answer. "Bring Spirit into world" This was an eye opener for me  . First I am being asked to have a relationship with myself to become whole within and now I am being asked to bring spirit into my world. I was at first thinking "Like more prayer and ritual" but no it was deeper then that .. that was another concept my mind was wanting to create but what was being asked was a living movement. A action to manifest the outcome. Then as if the heaven knew my prayer there it was laid out like a blue print. Learning to love yourself and treating myself and life sacred is bring spirit to the world. I must say we human make this path very confusing. like a riddle to the puzzle solved. When we bring honor, love and respect to all living things including ourselves we are loving God and all of the beautiful creations that stem from that.. Okay that was all dandy and fine, heard that before but what Venus was trying to say was simply put by getting to know yourself and developing a relationship you will become complete. the sacred union between the spiritual and Material worlds. I was so excited to get a deeper glimpse into this ancient teaching I said well how do I start? I heard clearly start with your body!! Get to know your body. What are you putting in it? what are you saying to it? have you taken the time to care for it? I must say it seemed like something so simple had been staring me in the face and yet even in my illness I was blind. I had not been treating my body like a temple more like a used car I just needed to keep going for a little longer. Treated it like a temple? Loved it? Talked to it even bothered to listen?  I had to come face to face with my used car attitude and realize my life  and even happiness depends on this scared union. without a body how would my consciousness have a place to express itself. Why had I lost this understanding. Where had it gone as a people, a race, as a global family.   Then it hit me as I read on in the entry were she talked about the fact that we are derailed by distractions.  It went on to say that is why in the past spiritual union was thought only to be found in a place of little distraction. That is why Monk and Nun locked them self away from the world to finally find peace among little to no distraction. They could spend their time is quiet reflection.  I can relate, I have felt like I have been in lock down for many years dealing with this illness. I have let other things in to distract me but the one thing that has really got in my way is me.  I found myself reexamining my treatment of my body and all the distraction I have allowed to get in the way of getting to know my body and treating it like the scared vessel  Maybe that is the one thing lacking in my healing. To pull the band-aids off and start living in harmony with my body by first getting to know myself in a deeper more sacred way. I did something new today, I said I was sorry to my body for treating it with little to no respect and then I listened to its needs its wants. Funny it wanted Reiki .. I heard and listened and then honored it with my presence. I see a start of a beautiful relationship.  

   Its only fitting that on my birthday week the Venus Transit is asking me to love, and the one person it truly wants me to become in love with is me. To build a scared bridge of divine union between who I am and who I am becoming. To learn to see Me as a unique individual whose validation can only come from the self worth I gain from getting to know the beauty that is me in human form.. " I am finding wholeness within myself by bringing my spiritual essence into my daily life"

A Glimpse into Choices and Consciousness

Seems that with each waking day I am getting a clearing picture of what I would call my life. It's funny how at times you think you might have a glimpse of it. That ever elusive thing we call understanding life and why we are here. Then in a flash as quick as it came it now is being questioned.

The mind is an amazing thing or should I say consciousness Guess it depends whose work you have been reading and what life experience you have had up until now. To me they are both expressions of the one.. they work together to gather information. In my perception we are not off when we think of the mind and body as an computer of sorts. It does behave more and more like one. The consciousness being the energy that flow into the computer.. like the data stream and the mind then gathers it, stores it, distributes it in many ways. Of course the mind does other thing but no need for me to go there in this discussion. Let just say being a human is an amazing thing.

Is the mind through the information of conscious showing us possibilities or destinies. Is it like some have theorized a time travel ride to another time through a past life event or just another dimension? Or as they say in science a string theory event is happening with another you? I have often wondered could this all be a trick of the mind and we are just an accident in the universe or even that it is true we are God's cursed people because some women that half the world if not more does not even consider her their mother offered some man an apple and he couldn’t resist so we pay with a horrible life on Earth until like a thief in the night a God that final feels we have had enough torment and only those who went to church on Sunday and paid 10 percent {like buying a ticket to heaven} are going to be saved...and the rest who didn’t buy a ticket will be left behind and will suffer more? wow trying living with that all your life. Maybe that is the biggest mind trick of all.

Both have never sat right with me. Maybe we did come from the Earth and The Stars but we have a undeniable ability as Human to experience things that science in it primal state will never understand. We are more then pure accident but yet I fear a long way from discovering our true nature. So until then we have our stream of information that is our consciousness to make our way through this time. We also have our mind and body as the vessel in which to understand and simulate the information. It is hard to know if this is new information or an remembrance of old.

Which ever it is it is making for the glimpses to be longer and the pieces to the puzzle to start to make a bigger picture. That picture still undetermined or is it?

Have we been here before not this time but as a world have we been on the brink of evolution? Of course, look at all the history that shows great societies of science and discovery. It has just got lost in the consumer society in which we now have created. Maybe we come back to change our course, to see if we have learned. Once again I fear that up until now we have got lost again. Maybe it is that the possibilities for change have been there all along but our choices are still reflecting old patterns,old behaviors and useless stored information in the mind.

See I have learned one thing. The Mind/Brain is separate from consciousness. The mind like a web cam filters in information and it picks it up from all sources. Not just consciousness. It picks up things on many levels. From the third dimensional forms; tv,radio,media, our senses, ect. it also picks up energy; radio and transmission waves,earth changes,gravity, others and our own emotions,ect. So as you can see the mind is effected by many experiences and perceptions and some of these observations might be making you make choices that are being made for you by old Earth patterns and past choices made by you and others. Let me make it simple. We have all heard the “They” story. Why do we do something? Because that is how it is! Why? Because “they” did it that way or want it that way but who is “They” and are they even alive anymore to say hey maybe that wasn’t the right way after all? See there goes that mind trick thing. Its true though I have never meet “They” but “They” sure have had an influence over my life. So the mind picks up patterns and then replays them. You can either get stuck or choose a new path or lets call it in computer language a new program. So is our outcome destine to repeat it self? Is our consciousness asking us to make other choices based on our desire as the Human species to survive? Because at a deeper level we know something has gone terrible wrong even if we feel helpless to do anything, we all know. Are we that amazing that we can sense out own extinction and with the help of the universe and its patterns help Earth and it inhabitants to live on in a new Harmonious way or are we just destined to destroy ourselves and other species here because of our new found love of consumption and our petty land wars and religious battles over who has the greatest God are all we can relate to now. The pattern of self-destruction at any cost even our own.

Only time will tell if this is a mind trick made up by the brain to entertain the boring humans of the solar system or if we are part of a beautiful dance of consciousness, a universal dance of oneness as all of the species of Mother Earth are preparing for a great evolution of this galaxy and beyond. I hope it the cleverness of the mind to not only entertain us but to also help us understand this thing we call life. To create a universal song one that is being written by all of our choices and I look forward to it not being one we have all heard before...      

Sometimes a girl just has to cry....

   I found myself in tears this morning. I guess I have been weepy a lot this week. I might even say sentimental. I must say it feels good to get it out.  


  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be done releasing pain and hurt. It must be coming to an end, I have been cleaning up after my messes for a while now. After such a release I have a hunger both for life and for a BIG salad!! 

Inspired by Marley and George ....

"It's A Marley Kind Of Morning"

This morning started out strange with a March morning snow shower and a Bob Marley
feel to it. Seems everyone is feeling it. Images of Marley and his music fill the air waves
along the web. My heart is being drawn to music,art and expression. The incense is burning
and the smoke is dancing and the sage tea is coursing through my body.

  The image that has captured me this morning is the Lion. When I see this image it calls to
my soul and sets my imagination in motion. It must be wanting to connect to me because It
has shown itself in the Bob Marley video “waiting in vain” in the images there. I am drawn
to pick up my sketch book and start to draw. So as the sounds of Marley echo through the
house I start to draw and are immediately pulled into his eyes.. He calls to me in so many
ways. His beauty and power calls to me. As I look closer I see his eyes they are not like cats
as I would assume but they are like human.. the shape is round and the eyes themselves deep
and thoughtful. Maybe not thoughtful as you would use that word but with thoughtful determination.

  He is a thinker.. He is determined.. Powerful... Sensitive... What an amazing creature the Lion. Wonder what he is here to teach me. Him and Marley seem to have plans for me today. Pencils in hand let the journey of today begin!