In every relationship I have been in the last 7 years there is a fundamental consistency that seem to haunt each one. In saying that I really do not believe it's a personal issue more like society's ill.
It seems easier to distrust someone then let your guard down because no one wants to be hurt and everyone is looking for a guarantee they won't before they are even willing to commit, life doesn't work like that.
Kind of like most road rage. There was no accident, no one got hurt but just the idea it could of puts some people in a blind rage. In love it just keeps people blind or they bail at the first sign of " I knew it or see they are all the same". Humans play those silly games of if you loved me you would text back, if you cared you wouldn't hurt my feelings by telling me the truth and so on. What's the old saying if they want out of a relationship they will find any excuse and if there are none then they will make up one through assuming, insecurities and jealously. Which really makes no sense, why did they get into a relationship only to doom it from the start. Why bother. In life there is no guarantees so why should love be any different?
Once long ago in relationships you went with the flow without ever worrying about where it would lead to or what could go wrong. At least for me the Art of Dating was more like doing the things you love with people you like and if it turned out to be the rest of your life then so be it, if not you were grateful for the time and moved on. We enjoyed getting to know each other and building on more then looks, hooking up or worrying about does this person really like me or not. Those days are gone.
Everyone wants a guarantee before they even go out and seems most people go into relationship looking for what's wrong with the person before ever taking the time to really get to know them.
I do not want to blame Internet dating but it really has changed how we interact or even what we expect from each other. It is more like browsing faces for possible hook ups and drawing conclusions about people then really looking for someone of interest. There are enough sex sites and Craig lists you think they could at least leave the looking for love sites alone. Which leads to the next issue people searching online have to rely on a few words and some picture to gage interest. Its hard to gage a person by a photo and a few words unless your looking for a shallow and meaningless hook up. So left to one assumptions it can lead to mistrust and doubt from the start by creating our own ideas about how someone is before ever getting to know them for who they are and then watching to see if they match your assumptions or not. Even if that assumption is not true. Maybe they are what you imagined or maybe not but you wont know by a website, or one coffee date or even a month of weekend dating. You will have to make a commitment to get to know them. Something most people wont do without that guarantee!! You see in a world that distrust what they see, what people say and what the truth really is and because so many people in their past have lie or mislead them now everyone is judge by that other persons action. We now go into relationships with our guards up, common sense down and the lack of any commitment to giving it time for both people to get to know each other and work through issues that come up instead of bailing out the first sign of trouble.
It's like love and relationships are not like an adventure any more, there more like lessons in human interaction. Where did just being ourselves go and what ever happened, happened????
Yesterday while in town doing some shopping I happened to notice a Man doing his shopping too. I took notice because of his bright yellow jacket and his hair cut. He definitely was law enforcement or military. As I strolled up and down every aisle in my own pattern he seemed to be doing the same. At first it was a polite excuse me as we got into each others ways and at other times awkward to be in the same aisle but sometimes the same shelf or opposite sides. I decided I would bypass a whole section and as I turned the corner there he was again. I started thinking if this was online I bet we would of already at least said "Hey, looks like we keep bumping into each other" or Maybe we would of sent a Friend request but here in real life we were at a lost for how to act. Seems we have create a world were we want to engage with people only from a distance but when they are right in front of us we don't know what to do anymore. Yet here we are in person we have had more then enough reasons to talk if we are both single or if he had a girlfriend or wife we could of laughed over "well you looked like you knew what you were doing" and moved on from there. No instead we ran into each other a few more times not knowing if we should smile or ignore each other. Finally in the Frozen food I just said "Guess were on the same course today and he said Yes, and I think I am going to crash and burn.." and we both laughed.
Now that wasn't so hard..LOL All it took was some Trust and Human interaction..
Contact was made, no intention, no guarantees only two people shopping. If we cant practice it in real life, were only pretending to do it online and if we can do it with a strangers, we should be able to do it in our relationships. To often we don't. As I headed to the checkout the only open one was on the far end and of course who was waiting once I pulled my cart into that line? Him. So I smiled and said" Well I thought since we shopped together it's only fitting we check out together" He smiled and then as he was leaving he turned back and said "Take Care" and I responded "Thanks for the company shopping". Once he left I laughed about how assumptions, fear of face to face communication and doubt have cropped up into life in so many ways no wonder people are looking for hook ups more then relationship. Relationships no matter what kind or even how brief take work and commitment and no one wants to do that kind of work unless they are guaranteed they wont get hurt or worse rejected.
Hate to break the news but no relationship is a guarantee and no one can live up to unrealistic ideas another person might have of them or spend the whole relationship trying to validate or prove their feeling to you. Just the act of them being present in your life should be enough.
One of the things I have noticed is that sometimes instead of people creating these issues within the relationship they bring them with them into one from the beginning and so it is the small things that normally would work themselves out that become the big things people cant seem to be willing to work through. Carrying these issues into a new relationship will bring about the end you fear along with keeping you trapped in a relationship pattern that in the end will only find yourself searching for something or someone who doesn't exist.
I have found through my experiences that nothing bring a relationship to a dead end quicker then these things:
Assumptions are something that is a everyday day ill we take with us everywhere. Even more now with the Political movements and the Morality of society changing. It's no wounder we cant leave it out of our relationship. We would rather assume then ask, We would rather use assumptions to judge but most of all to give us excuses to do or not do things based on only our experiences not even ours with that other person.
Wouldn't be easier to ask? And if you have to assume; assume they are telling the Truth. At least until you PROVE they are not what you thought or lying? How about maybe even trying to get to know someone before assuming anything?To much work? To much time? Maybe try asking questions or talking it out? To often we scold people for doing things they haven't done yet or read to much into what is happening to see the truth of whats really going on. I haven't meet a person yet that liked being accused of something they haven't done or never planned on doing in the first place.
What do they say about Assuming?? You should know that one by now....
Insecurity comes out in many ways. It can come out in relationships as either very needy or even very controlling and both are equally destructive and they both are based in doubt and fear. When a person is uncertain they place a huge burden on their partner of always having to validate their feeling. I have been in this kind of relationship a few times. I once was the needed one and have been on the receiving side as well. With my first husband I was emotional very young and found myself hundreds of times a day saying I loved him just so I could hear it back to make sure he hadn't changed his mind. My fear of rejection stopped me from asking if I had displeased him so instead I just would wait to see if he would say those words or kiss me goodbye in the morning. So of course the first time he didn't do either I
Assumed he had changed his mind and the walls would go up and I would start to look for any sign he was going to leave. The great damage of doubt began and well the rest is history. It's really no different now then the game " I texted you last" or I texted you and you took an hour to get back to me". Reassure me, Reassure me.... Or Now the "Oh He Just Isn't Into You" Well maybe they are going to the bathroom or had a bad day and fear you wont like them if they call when they are upset. The reason are endless how hard really is it just to ask "Are you Okay?" or "Thinking about you" and leave it at that. They might even worry you might
Assume they are not perfect and no body wants that so they sit in their fear. What happened to just speaking from the heart instead of
Assuming and playing wasteful head games. Everyone has some insecurities it's what we do with them and how we address them that counts. No one is perfect or a mind reader. This is where communication really comes in.
Lack of "Honest" Communication is far from something new.
Weather because of
Insecurities or Fear of Rejection this is where most of us go wrong. We politely try to get around having to tell the Honest truth. This leads to us hiding our true feelings about someone or something and in doing that we set up the doubt we and our partner are now feeling because things have changed. Once you cant be
Honest with another person about even the smallest things that is a sign this isn't the relationship for you. The moment we stop being honest with ourselves is the moment we are incapable of doing the same for others. My last long term relationship I hid a lot of my feelings surrounding his drinking, lifestyle and negative actions and emotions. In doing that I lost a lot of friends and lost a lot of myself as well because I was sure Love could conquer all and in time he would become the man I had
Assumed he could be. I was dishonest with myself and with him. Lesson Learned.
Now I am sure I am too honest bringing attention to issues as soon as I have taken a look at my part and made sure it wasn't about me and really about the other persons actions and behaviors I speak to it the best way I can. Its not easy always speaking
Honestly from your heart but it saves time and heart break, it even can heal things if given a chance. It's took me about 5 years and lots of self refection but I have fond I would rather instead of
Assuming something ask or speak to it, I will take a risk at hurting your feels and speak to an issue then waiting it out to see if things change. With more time becomes more entanglement and if your partner or yourself have any
Insecurities or Lack s Honest Communication and they don't get addressed this
will only feed into
Trust Issues..
Trust Issues are something the whole world is suffering from now. From Relationships to the White House, we are all in Flight or Fright or Fight mode with little to few of us live in between. I have come to believe the whole world suffer different levels of PTSD. This is compounded by Media and How Humans interact with each other now a days. I have often said that the moment the World could find worth in EVERY HUMAN BEING and supports them in being the Best them they could be everything else would magical fall into place. Even though everything I have been through I have allowed a space in my heart to
Trust until you prove me wrong, then we discuss, if it happens again then it something I have to choose to live with or without there is no between. I often say if you never tell me how will I know. If you never discuss issues around
Trust, it will never be resolved and it's bond to get in the way of having a Healthy Relationship. You know the kind where your allowed to express yourself, even if that emotion happen to be anger, fear, joy, happiness, ect.
Relationship the word itself is telling. you must be able to RELATE to be in partnerSHIP and have Relations.. To do this you must go into it with
TRUST!! Some time in the 80 or 90 there was a show called "COPS" and in the opening the narrator would say "These people are innocent until proven guilty." Later on during production they took that off because now our society and the law sees everyone GUILTY until proven INNOCENT. Doomed from the start because it's always easier to tell a lie then defend the truth. And easier to walk away then it is to see if you were wrong, right or just misunderstood. Without
Trust there is NO RELATIONSHIP with each other or the world around us. Look if someone is willing to expose their life to you and allow you in it the least you can do is give them time to build trust without having to prove or justify their action and words all the time. When Trust is freely given its not only a gift but a sign of someone who emotional has been working on themselves and their relationships.
Innocent until Proven Guilty.....
The last one is
Jealously. This is one of those things that can be a symptom of insecurity and the fact that secrets about feelings or actions are being kept. It can stem from the lack of interest the person in taking in their partner anymore. Some might say the Honeymoon is over or maybe it never got started either way not having
Honest Communication,
Assuming without asking and Losing
Trust can result in like what I call Road Rage angry. Nothing has happened but since I am afraid it could or will I am just going to act like it happened regardless the truth. This happens more often then anyone wants to admit. I must say that there are times when Jealously feeling are justified in that the partner is doing things that make you feel like you have to compete with people or even things. No one want to be set aside for Phones, TV shows, Pets, Alcohol, Drugs or even Friends when they are in especially the early stages of a relationship. Hard to relate to someone who is not present in the moment with you or even
RELATING to you. ( There is that word again). Everything in Balance seems to work or even compromise but build that foundation first. I promise they will respect you for it and those feelings of
Jealously and
Insecurities will be nonexistence. When it comes to Jealously there can be a million reasons why but the bottom line is if your
Assuming, Not
Being Honest and Open to
Trusting then you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. Stick to the Hook Up's but be
Honest about that too!!
It seem like there is a pretty obvious theme running through this article. That Today's relationship only require hard work when we are not being
Honest with ourselves about what we really want and are looking for when we decided to get into a relationship with another person. That the old ideas of letting Love guide us and letting the
Truth set us free really do create a more lasting and stronger relationships then starting off with expectations and doubt. Maybe if we
Trusted each other and the process there would be more Loving then Fighting and more Talking and less Blocking... LOL
Stop Validating Your Love, Worth or Trust it shouldn't be a requirement to be or stay in a relationship. If the person cant be honest with themselves and you or they can easily walk away then they weren't the ONE for you. Hold that Vision and Trust in the Process. It might not always be easy and you might have to work a bit or get out of your comfort zone but it will be worth it.
Remember if they are choosing to let you in then they should be worthy of your Trust and hopefully if your lucky someday Love. There is only one Guarantee in life and that is Death. Never waste what time you have on someone not willing to give you their best and let you give them yours....
