This morning and the last few days I have been taking sometime to go within and really find what has got me to this point in my life. As some of you know I have been reading and sharing my mental time with my new friend "Zig" and the first part of his plan to success is to look at ones self image. The first few paragraphs really got me thinking about my thinking lately. what kind of self image have I been portraying. I was coming up with a blank or just didn't want to look so I took a different approach. One I took when I was first told I should be dead. the one were you look through your children's eyes and ask yourself when they grow up what will they remember about you and your time with them. This again shook up my world a bit, then I really took a look at my actions and emotions the past few months and even past few years. As you might be able to tell this was a bit deeper then I wanted to go. seeing as the past month has been such a emotional ride itself why did I ask for more emotional pain but the truth be told I never want to walk this path again!!! so what ever it takes. The next step was to go deeper and see how I really see myself into comparison to how others see me or I allow them to see me. This took on a whole new world of its own. I guess it is easy to look at how others might perceive you another to ask yourself how you see you.
In the eighties there was a term being thrown around that never sat well with me "healing your inner child" I would pick up books look through a few pages and then move on never really understanding or even wanting to look at that part of me. Guess now I must if I want to gain some acceptance and understanding of who I am and how I got here. last night after talking to a really good friend of mine we talked about nurturing that part of me that was neglected, abandoned and abused when I was younger. That part of me that never had a chance to grow up because life became serious at such a young age that I never really was given the foundation in which to build a stable life or at least the emotional and mental stability I now crave . Please do not get me wrong I have forgiven my mother for not knowing how her actions had effected me and I have forgiven my father for his silence response to things he didn't know was either going on or what he could do about them. I have even forgiven them for allowing to to leave home at such a young age and never once asking me why or what my life was like during those years. Forgiveness finally came years ago and then I set the memories on the shelf and was just grateful I survived those years but that little girl still never got what all little girls want, let alone every child on the face of this earth. LOVE! people have criticized and judged me as a mother for the affection I show to Austin and way I mother him but if they walked a mile in my shoes during my early years they would know why I love like I do and how I know the importance of giving children the love, acceptance, encouragement, truth and understanding they deeply need and crave. So now as I look at what as a little girl I missed I am at a loss to how to gain that back. So instead of looking back I am like always moving forward.. Asking that "Inner little girl what she would like" " what can I do to bring her healing and joy. to nurture her in such a way that I can integrate those years into a the women I am becoming now. I know I have some work ahead as I look back and let go. I am brought back to another time in my life where words and actions took on a new and deeper meaning. Here I stand again understanding that in the New Age movement there are a lot of terms we throw around and use with out even knowing the deeper meaning. We can not truly understand a word or phrase until we have experienced it. Now the term inner child takes on a humanness I never imagined and is giving me an opportunity to explore that part of my childhood missed so long ago. Isn't it amazing how in my last post I said that I felt "Zig" was taking me back to move me forward and that is what is happening. That little girl is waking up and asking to be acknowledged and healed from her inner wounds. 2012 for me is starting to be the end of the world.. the world I held onto in order to survive and now I am moving into one where I will finally be able to live free from the wounds of the past. the band-aids are coming off and it time for the real healing to begin. The first thing I think I will do for that little girl is buy her a stuffed animal.. Austin bestfriends are covered in fur and take baths in the washer and I love the way they make him smile, Guess I will go find my first best friend too..
