One of the things I love about living on the East coast is that no matter how bad the winter,
be assured it will pass.
be assured it will pass.
I have had to keep reminding myself of this all winter. Since October it has seemed that my life has took many changes. Some expected other were like a slap in the face. Lets say my life has never been easy but whose has? Its just in the past I have been able to rise above it until it passed and then dealt with the consequences of my decisions or those outcomes. Processing as I go along.
Use to be a time when it seemed like I could imagine that there has to be something better on the other side of this.
Lately I had lost that only being able to hold on to one moment at a time without being able to rise up to meet the lesson or challenge.
I have hid many days of tears behind my smile and faced the sometime lonely moments of my life in the only ways I could. Knowing if I could just hold out this to shall pass even if I had to do it one moment at a time.
Looking back I have felt this way for the past 4 years. After battling for my life while trying to raise my beautiful son I was faced with many challenges but it was different. I was trying to teach him while leaving him memories of me to keep when he got older. Life lessons at the time I never thought I would be able to see or be there for.
Then in 2013 when I had my first signs of remission we only had about 5 months to process that before my ex husband threw us into a 2 year court battle which made me afraid to express myself to anyone or on any social sights. Have you ever tried to keep a Gemini quiet?? Hard and when they are believe me it is like a slow death. Seemed what the virus didn't try to kill keeping my thoughts inside was.
I kept the dream alive of living in the woods, writing and speaking for a living. Even though now and then much of my life consisted I trying to gain back the confidence that over the years I had lost.
Then I have insights like yesterday where I know all those moments lead here. No matter the storms..
When I look around the backyard it doesn't look like Maine had the worst winter storm in years.
It caused a state wide power outages, snapping trees in half and leaving still a lot of clean up that no one is talking about but you can see it as you drive around.
When looking out over the deck yesterday I could relate it to my journey in the fact that on the outside you can not always tell the destruction or damage the many storms of my life has caused until you look closely. That no matter the storm when it passes things will turn green again. There will be new blooms and new species that rise from the ashes.
There are days I have to accept that my life is not what I thought it would be or look like.
That I may not have the people in my life I thought but at least I am alive to enjoy those that are now in it but it is the dream my soul carried to get me here.
Yesterday while driving I asked my mom did you ever think we would end up here? and she giggled and said No, not a clue but isn't that life. The cliche about " you never know what life has in store for you" is true for me but is not always true for some people. They can set their watch by their daily routine and it goes along pretty smoothly. I always wished I had a life like that until yesterday when I could look into the woods, smell the clean air, hear the birds speaking to each other and really take in the moment.
Its moments like that when it all comes together even if its just for a split second. When I am reminded that a life lived is never easy, never perfect and often misunderstood, yet always worth the freedom it offers when you can be authentically yourself.
I have wanted to raise my voice again in the past many times but I have let the judgement of others or the worry of what others might think cause me to keep my opinions and insight to myself.
Not any more.
After losing my best friend and having to battle to prove I am not doing anything wrong, that I am sick, that I am this and not that, I am tired!! The storms I have walked through have not only proved to myself what kind of person I am at the heart of things but proved that the opinions of other are useless and self serving most of the time. Basically it's never about me as much as them.
I once read that when you have a idea or insight you should never share it because the moment you do someone will try to tear it down or take it aways from you. How many times I can count that happening is numerous. I even wrote a children's book about it. Yet here I was falling into the same trap?
No more.
The storm does not make me, how I ride it out does.
You will never know the storms another person has gone through by the regrowth they have made no more then you can judge a man by the act of another. I am done being silent to not offend or have a opposite opinion then my peers. In truth I have never been like my peers nor do I have a hive mentally. I am not a bee, I am a crow...
I usually fly alone, I am highly intuitive and smart, I look after others and never waste anything given to me nor forget a wrong done to me.
So why now try to convert???
These woods give me many insights to my life and open doors to adventures I know I will experience as much as I know winter will return.
I have come to a few conclusions since losing my closest friend, that somethings you can see coming yet are never prepared for, that this too shall pass and that never let your dreams die with you because your ego was afraid of what others thought or couldn't understand. That the quickest way to kill creativity and productiveness is to silence a persons ability to communicate their true feelings even if we disagree with them.
These past years have taught me much but this winter brought the lessons full circle. I look forward to a transforming summer as I pick up the pieces of my life while building a new one out of all the dreams and promises I made to myself over the years. No long will I hide or not express who I am for anyone else. 50 years of living should give me that right and if it doesn't then my own experiences do.
Spring might of been short here but Summer will make up for it in more ways then I can even imagine now. Time will never replace this past winter but it will help me move forward in ways that up until now I could only dream of.
So glad that on those days I wanted to give up that small voice told me to hang on.
No matter if that was me, Angles, Aliens, God or Goddess...
Thank you again for Never giving up on me!!
Its a new season and I have new reasons to be the best me so lets get this show going!!!
I have new seeds to sow and new dreams to dream and no matter what challenges I face they to shall pass just like a New England Winter....
