The Gift Of My Illness

Its have been quite an adventure since the early years. In a desperate attempt to regain my life and my hopes for the future something wonderful happened. I started to find and reconnect to a lost part of myself!
  As I had many times through out my childhood and teen years I would reinvent myself to save myself. Along with changing my eating habits I discovered a world I had forgotten in my chase for the American dream. The world of mind, body and spirit.
 Walking through a bookstore looking for inspiration on building immunity and discovering to the source of my illness. I found the new age section ( this area should be renamed.. Modern Thinking :)  ) as I looked at the titles a woman standing there asked If I was looking for something special, at the time I wasn't but she was about to change my life. We had a short exchange but she told me of a store that had a lot more books and she thought I should go there. I know now that she was an Angel. Not my first by no means but the first in a long time I had paid attention to.  At this time  I had return to church and had become pretty active, even becoming a Chaplin. My family including my mother had been not only active but my mother and I were working for the church. I went home thinking about my encounter and my mind went back to when my father had died.


In the early nineties within a three month period I lost my father to cancer and then my first marriage ended. ( yes I have been married twice)   This to was a devastating time for me. The stress of my fathers passing and my first husband leaving took its toll on me and I found myself once again alone and depressed.  I remember a short time before my father passed I was sitting outside the store I worked for on a break when a little old lady came and sat next to me. I will never forget her, she was the grandmother looking type with a grayish brown wig that I want to straighten for her.  We both sat not speaking but she keep looking at me. I tried to ignore her thinking I had to much on my mind to speak to someone I didn't know. She wouldn't stop and before I knew it we were talking. I can not tell you what was said between us but it was life changing. As she got up to leave it was also time for me to go back to work. At that time the store I worked in had large glass windows that were like walls. As we both walked I could see her through the glass walking beside me smiling as she slowly made he way to the exit. I thought to myself I should invite her to lunch sometime because the feeling she left me was one that even as I type this I cant put into words. At that moment the glass became wall and she disappeared. I raced around to catch her and to my surprise she was gone. I remember going out the exit looking in the parking lot but she had disappeared! there was no way she had of gotten that far. I walked back in in disbelief. Was she real, what had just happened? in the next few days I pondered the experience and thought was I visited by an Angel? Within the next week I was talking to an employee of mine about what had happened and she told me her mom believed in that kind of stuff and told me about JZ Knight.. I had never heard of her and at this point I was open to anything that would answer the question "who was that women".  In the weeks following I quit that job to spend more time with my dad and in a short time later he passed.  Death became real and life after death became a obsession for me. Where did my dad's soul go and why did that women come visit me. I decided to go to a pastor and ask some questions.( This was an eye opener I should of remembered but somehow I always have believed in second chances) At the time I wanted to know where is heaven and do angel come visit people like me? Big mistake, his answers were vague and from what he said Angels stopped visiting people when the bible was finished being written.  Guess no one is worthy of a visit anymore or knowing where heaven really is. I was at a lose and the depression was now setting in when when a piece of paper lying on the floor once again set me on the path of finding answers. It was notes I took the day my employee told me about JZ knights and on the bottom was a name of a store,  a New Age store.  If the pastor didn't have answers maybe this store did. I will not bore you with my visit to the store for as a mouse I went in bought a couple books and some subliminal tapes (yes cassettes..LOL google if your not sure what those are) and went on my way. Over the next year my life even though it was rocky the tools I got that day pulled me out of what could of been a spiral down hill. 


Could this store have the same effect. Anything was better than what I had just been through and if it worked before maybe it could work again. Within the next week I found myself standing in a modest bookstore. It had just opened a few months before and the women working there seemed to be more like a lost family member than a store owner. We struck up a friendship and every chance I had me and Austin would go to the store and visit. I shared with her my medical challenges and she handed me a book.. Louise Hays "Heal Your Body" I looked at the cover and realized I have that book.  Those many years before this was one of the book I had got at the other store. To my surprise I went to my mothers and covered in dust in a box with a stack of others books and tapes there it was! It was like a treasure chest of tool long forgotten. along with my new found treasures and a new store I was armored for change and on the rode to what I hoped was wellness. One problem, it was a New Age Store.  There was something that was coming to the surface through my illness and my new found awaking of truths.  A childhood stuffed and hidden from the outside world. A past that I wont go into now but one that was now asking to be acknowledged.  It was strange to go to work at the church and than on Sunday listen to the sermon, while looking forward to going to the store and hanging out with this beautiful pagan women. Strange things began to happen to me, wonderful and beautiful things. In no time I was collecting and reading books, listening to mediation tapes and my life was looking up. Maybe I was becoming to happy.  The church and the pastors where starting to wonder why I wasn't coming to them for everything anymore and I was way to happy for a girl who the months before was stuck in bed. One Sunday while listen to the sermon my hand as if by impulse picked up a pen and started to write. I could feel everyone in the pew looking at me as if to silence the noise of the pen on the paper but I could not. Even my husband gave me a look and like a helpless child I said I cant stop. As soon as my hand stop and the pen dropped I hide the paper and lowered my head. I couldn't wait to leave to read what I had just wrote.  After church was Sunday school and as we sat at the table my husband was questioning what had just happened.  There was a worksheet going around and as my mother sat mine in front of me I was to busy opening the paper to notice. I looked at what I had wrote and it seemed to be answers to questions but the questions were missing. I started to put the paper back in my bible and get my attention back on Sunday school when I noticed the worksheet. I took a double look and pulled out the paper back out from my bible and was speechless to find what I had wrote was the answers to the questions I hadn't seen yet. I remember feeling confused but excited all at once. What was happening was new but the sense of knowing the future was not.  I took a deep breath and knew I was going to have to tell my husband the truth. That what was happening was something that has been with me since I was little and that now it was happening again. This time it was different. I couldn't control my hand and it happen in church. We all rode home in somewhat of a silence.  That night I remind my husband of a date we went on early on in our relationship. One where I predicted that there would be trouble with the limo and there was. where his dismissal of what I was speaking almost got us killed. He agreed that there was something to it but still wasn't sure how much creditability he was willing to give to it. .I guess this would be a good time to remind you that this is also during the time of undiagnosed illness with a hint of I must be crazy. The timing of this couldn't of been worse. I look back now and think my husband thought well maybe this would replace the sick thing. To humor me and in his own way to support me he just smiled and went about his business.  Within a short time I was kicked out of the church and accused of being involved in a cult. That's another story in its self. Lets just say never ask a pastor if they believe in Angels, Hear voices in their head telling them things..LOL, or ask them about church history..  To say my life after that day took a 360 would be a understatement but now looking back it was part of the healing process and a rediscovering of who I am and why I am here. Over the following years I started working in that store and  many others. I have had many experiences that confirmed a hidden truth about myself and about the planet we live on. I became a lecture and teacher on many subjects that over the years have been helpful in my journey.  I became a soul reader and channeler and have been touched by many of the people spirit has placed on my path. I some days feel like what I m going through now is another gift in this journey of self discovery and personal empowerment. The gift of transformation...  I cant wait to see what I do with this challenge and what I become when it is complete.... What about you?