It seems that most of my life even up to today most people who think they know me really don't, they only see the version of me that fits into their experiences. I have come to this conclusion because it seems that no matter my intentions I still get judged by other peoples ideas of what and who I should be not who I truly am. I thought Austin deserved my truth and not someone else's.
Then as I got sicker I felt it might be a way to explain to him and all those who questioned my sanity a peek into to medical reasons why things appeared the way they did. Not that it mattered anymore what they thought but it was finally a validation to myself that as Dr. V say " you should be crazy but your not. if it wasn't for the virus and if you were born in another time, in another family you would of been a great scholar" that was what all my life I had waited to hear. true validation that it was not me but a crazy virus that has plagued my brain and my nervous system most of my life and that even though most people would of taken a victim roll by now in life I had rose above known that I was capable of more than what the world had seen of me. It also showed there were still doctors out there that cared about us as people not just a face in a sea of many. I think that my hope too was that my story would help others who were struggling with health issues that they were not alone.
I have struggled to keep up this blog because the illness I have takes its toll on my communication and in sometimes just reaching out to others. I cant explain it but there is so much we still don't know about the brain and how it effects personality and expression of that. Needless to say it has been a work in progress.
Now I have once again decided to make my blog a place of expression. A place to share my life and how I see things, how I am now going to take control over this illness through eating and lifestyle. It also will be a record of my journey back to self.
I had a dream last night that I was preparing, preparing for something wonderful and great. There was a gentle soul which stood next to me and it was not through words but feeling the sense of are you ready? you will do well, you have been waiting for this. Like a school girl waiting for her first day or like your first job interview I looked back like yes I can do this, I am ready and with a feeling that no words can express I was ready to step through then I heard a faint beep, each time it got louder and louder till I realized that sounded like a alarm. That cant be I said to myself we don't use those and where is that coming from? I opened my eyes and it was coming from Austins room a clock which the alarm has never been set was going off. I turned it off and hurried back to bed.. could I get back to were I was? where was I going? I want to go there as I tried to go back it was no use I was now awake. then it dawned on me.. I was were I was spouse to be. That alarm shouldn't of went off and the time was perfect to the dream. within a short time to my amazement I felt Austin patting me saying " Good Mother very Good" I looked over and he had a grin I had never seen before. Like the chestier cat, he was in heaven then he wrapped his arms around me and said "your the greatest mom ever!! your a great mom, never forget that". we hugged and then we both cried known without words something had happened to both of us as we slept. I was amazing to share that moment with him.
I am sure of one thing this morning and one thing only, that I have a second chance and weather it was God, My Angelic Family, Galactic Family or just a high expression of myself, I have someone that believes in me as much as I have always believed in myself and this morning they set me free to live the life I have always been meant to live. And knowing that has truly set me free....
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