Releasing Hidden Yesterdays

  Every time I sit down at this computer to write I seem to be at a loss for words. So much has been happening in such a short amount of time that it is hard to know where to begin and even if I did there are something that happen in life that no words can describe.

The most important thing I guess would be that I can feel things shifting and releasing from my mind and from my body. It is true this process for me has been happening for the past 8-10 years but to watch it come to what might be the end of suffering and the beginning of living { with out painful lessons } is new.. and might I add a bit scary.

It seems a bit strange as my mind is coming back on line you might say, the memories that come flooding at times.. between childhood memories of knowing there is something different about me, experiencing physical and sexual abuse, a childhood illness that silently was doing damage to my brain and nervous system and just the lessons that we have living on earth. I can now see why it has taken years to come to this moment. If I had to face the knowledge and pain all at once I surely would of lost my mind. Each layer that has been removed is making room for a more deeper understanding of why I went through these things and a chance for forgiveness, of myself and others. A deeper sense of purpose. When I say that I mean a deeper sense of life’s purpose not what I should be doing with my life, My life is my purpose... and everything else is just an extension of that..

I have written before about my mini deaths and rebirths as each “veil” is lifted so that I can see more clearly what has been there all along. Hidden deep inside me the knowledge of my greatest power but also having to face my darkest shadows. It seems some of me subconsciously knew my purpose was to face fear and release programed ideas allowing me to become a whole person.

So as I look back this morning its like a trail leading me to this moment. with out those experiences I would of never found a deeper part of myself, a strength to go within and know that what I had experienced in pain could not be all this life had to offer. If I only found my way out of each moment and rise above it, like climbing the stairway to heaven.. someday I would find the peace and understanding I have been seeking all my life. I was always searching outside myself but once I came in.. into my own mind, my own heart and found the map each day I have been able to rise to a new understanding and I hope now a new sense of peace. It has not been easy but each time in my life I have faced my fears I have become not only free but able to face the next challenge knowing I am capable of anything I set my mind too. I know today I face my greatest fear and shame. One in which my soul has waited until I had enough understanding and compassion for myself that I could face it. There is this strange calm inside me that is saying I am ready.. its time... the tears roll as I know I will be allowing myself to go back in time to heal old wounds and release myself from the dark shadows that have haunted me. Maybe this is why I was asked to stay more grounded in Earth things to feel the pain and to remember so that I can see these things with new eyes and finally be fully free... like in a birth you come in with a clean slate in which to build your life today I wipe the slate clean to start to rebuild my new life. Without the pain of hidden yesterdays... and with the faith of new tomorrows.