Friday, December 2, 2011

"Asking Fate To Wait To See If I Have The Courage To Face My Destiny"

    With everything that has been happening in my life the past few months it is not hard for me to imagine I would be standing in the place I am right now. I have seen the signs coming, I have heard the call of my heart and I know this is the time. 
   A few years back when I was discovering my inner voice I would hear myself say to people " If you don't get your mind, body and spirit in harmony you would die, if not a spiritual death and emotional one  and possible a physical one." those were such harsh words at the time that I found myself ashamed to be speaking them. I am now faced with the fact that those words were meant for me as much as the people they were directed too. At the time death and the chance of it happening to me were a far off possibility. My only worry was that my family and loved ones thought I was crazy. Now that we have solved that mystery I am faced with the fact that it is time for me to get in harmony within myself.
   This has not been an easy task as we all might know. Everyday is a distraction from the self or it is an EGO ride all about the self. Finding the outer let alone inner place of non-judgement or fear is far and few in between. At least in my world it has been. I can look back and see the path leading here. All its tosses and turns as a friend said this morning has lead me here. A cross roads.  It has been said "You will come to an end of the rode were you can no longer travel the same rode you have and you must choose, to go left or right." I have hit my dead end {no pun attend} I know in my soul I must choose life or death. If you want an easy line, I must choose to be in harmony with myself and my world or it is time to accept my fate.
    Most of you know I have been living with an Autoimmune disorder that have caused a form of encephalitis to become reoccurring with mild attacks monthly that have slowly been doing damage to my brain and nervous system. There has been little help from the medical field and I have spoke about that in earlier posts due to the fact that in the states the rate of mortality for my type is from depending on the sites you look up 70-90% so I should of of been dead about the second one and the third one, well lets just say most doctors are amazed at the fact I am still alive and doing  as GREAT as I am..{ Really Most Doctors have no clue what to do or think of me ) So I have had believe me enough wake up calls that the front desk is about to stop trying. 
   It has been harder than you think to move in a direction of health and well-being due to self-confidence and just dealing with the post effects of the virus. I have never given up but I must admit I wasn't sure If I want to try. As much as the mother in me wants to stay to see my son grow into a man, the thought of him slowly watching his mother fade away or die seemed also cruel and selfish. So the battle raged and over the past year I have come to many conclusions and put into motion lots of personal tests and I must say testing those in my life.  I have come to some harsh realities that I can see why some dare not go deep or explore for the truth you find is not always pretty. The moments in life that I thought counted meant nothing if they were all based on a illusion. That illusion has now been removed and I must say there is a greater freedom in learning who will be by your bedside as death approaches. Guess if I wanted to know the truth all I had to do was go to a retirement home or a home for the elderly. Needless to say we have become a throw away society but I will save that speech for another day.
  Where I was going is that yesterday I surrendered to my destiny and asked Fate to wait to see if I had what it took to rise from the ashes and fly like never before. To allow the beauty of who I am and what I have experienced to now be used instead of stored deep inside, To now know that the only judgement I should fear is my own and the only fear I should have is in not allowing this caterpillar to become a butterfly... 
   I posted a video yesterday on my you tube and facebook pages and to my amazement the love that flowed from strangers and friends was... speechless! The love I was searching for all my life was there in front of me. Like a shinning light of hope. There were those loving me into death and those angry by the thought of my possible death. Then to my joy there were those that reached their hands to me in love and strength. I could only find gratitude in my heart for not only them but again for my time here on earth!! It has been so far an amazing journey of what is possible when you don't give up on yourself.
 So as I make my way through the next 14 day I hope you will join me as like you I don't know the ending... Like a story where every chapter is written each day we will discover together. Is this the end of just a chapter or am I writing the final chapter of my book... which ever it is thanks for sharing it with me, I hope that as you take on thing from me "Never stop believing in yourself for you were born to live and live you should, for your last day is but a breath away"... 

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