It seems when you ask Life a question it always has a answer for you, it might not be the one you were looking for but it will always be the one you need.
A few weeks ago I asked the question about how can I start to believe in myself again. Where did I lose what I once held dear. I have got many examples over the last few weeks of what needs to be healed to finally free myself from the emotional prison I seem to have created or allowed to be created for me. Out in Nature I had many moments of clarity on many areas of my life all leading me to one conclusion, you can not step into your future until you have come face to face with your past. For each of us this will look and feel different for me it has become about letting go of Anger. Yes I said anger. For most of you that know me even that word seems like a dirty word I would wash out of my mouth. No one has to tell me how Hippie Of A Heart I have but now it is not. it is one of my human rights, my God given birth right to express ALL my emotions. { and as we know us women come fully equipped in this area} Yesterday I came across another amazing song of inspiration by no other then Mister Rodgers. He expressed that to truly be free and be honest we must be able to express and get to know ALL our emotions. There is no other truer statement when it comes to emotions. Holding in my Anger has slowly eroded what once was a beautiful landscape in my mind and I want it back. I just read a statement that went something like this " It is not what happens that makes a person either optimistic or pessimistic it is what they do with what has happened to them that makes the difference" and I must say I am very good at this one. Many have said that some how out of bullshit I can grow flowers and I have many, many times not only in my garden but in others.
That is because for most of my life like others I had no choice. I could either let that person,place or thing steal my happiness or I could just learn to work with what I have been handed. Some how though I guess I have been stuffing my true responses, how that hurt little girl felt, how that teenager rage that comes with age should of been expressed, how when you become an adult you expect others to be grown up too. Oh I could go on I am sure.
What I am discovering is I have a Anger issue that needs to be not only addressed but expressed. Lets just say the Universe has decided that I need to get to know my Anger, So how it has been working now is expression {rant or a "are you f**king kidding me?" look and yes those words, I owe Austin something like $50 by now} then the ah ha moment of clarity. This I must say has been like riding on a roller coaster of "who the Hell was that?" and "What the Hell was That About"
It's true the Human race as a whole would LOVE to place me in the "Oh you must be pre-menopausal?" NO!! sorry The Herbalist said "No girl your just pissed off!!" That was a relief could you imagine what this lesson would be like if I was! I bet it has been nice for most people to blame some outside them or some mysterious internal clock for why we act a certain way but maybe just maybe that person has the RIGHT to be MAD!! Maybe men and women at around 40 -50 wake up from the sleep they called life and go "How the hell did I get here and where did my life I wanted go? Who know weather it is physical or physiological either one no one seems to escape Life's Mirror into the Human condition.
Why is being Mad or Angry such a bad thing? When we know we all are feeling some sort of "Are you F**king Kidding?" mode at some point in our life or even daily about either something that is happening, did happen or is going to happen. Not being able to express all our feelings is why we have people who end up shooting up a school, there are wars started where no one even knows what the hell they are fighting for anymore and are afraid to act or put their weapons down,why people are dying of diseases that could possibly be relived or cured just by expressing emotions.
I am finally coming to terms that even Saints get mad. The Bible says that Jesus did a Theresa from The Jersey Housewives move and turned over tables and took a rod to those he knew where doing wrong in the temple. No he didn't kill or hurt anyone { well, if the story is true maybe someone got a few lashings } but I bet it felt good to express his Anger. God didn't punish him! and as the story goes they never did it that way again.. {instead now they use guilt and unworthiness}
Anger is a hard emotion for me. I was raised to understand we don't start wars but we will fight to defend what is right and what is right for all not just a few. I was raised to turn the other cheek and give forgiveness always. To live by one commandment "Do unto others as you have them do unto you." Sounds so simply and in fact to change the world over night it would only take 50% of Christians to live it for it to happen. { I am putting a little pressure on them because it is the greatest commandment of all }The truth is that has got us no where but pent up emotions that we take out on each other and our selves. Separating ourselves more and more everyday and medicating our Anger and Pain, sometimes even our Joy. We live in a society that sees wrongs everyday but ignore them because to speak up or lash out might cause us to look bad in your community or cause you to lose your job and so forth. Stuffing our personal truth and emotions are not helping us to move into a more Free and Accepting society it is creating more bars then our eyes could ever see. I heard it said the other day in a song that we will not be free until every living thing is seen as equal but to equal the playing field we must first learn to get in touch with ALL our emotions not just the ones that are comfortable or make us look good but the ones that could change our life and our world.. I was told the other day that I was not Human because I did not express Anger and all the other what I see as lower emotions. { anger, guilt, sadness} I said walk a day in my shoes brother, I have lived with stuffed sadness, abandonment, rejection, abuse, neglect and deceit all my life from what this person considers to be humans. Just because in the past I never expressed it in a way that would call attention to my pain did not mean I did not feel their sting and have overwhelming emotions in private in some corner of my own world. Anyone who has watched my videos from when I was unable to write my blog can see I had lots of emotions. I only expressed what was needed at the time and what I felt was best for all involved. I saw my reaction as lessons in tolerance, acceptance and living in the moment. Now the lesson is Expression out weighs Reaction. I am also taking on a new and for me different approach " Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You".. Maybe a little lesson in Mirroring is in order here. We can not change what we are not willing to Face and we will never be truly free until we are FREE to express ALL our Emotions. Not with Icons and Videos, Not with words of encouragement or underhanded remarks on a Facebook Post but to Each Other!!! Honestly!!! It is the only way to be Free Of The Past So We Can Move Into The Future..
I welcome my anger, If it will finally set me free to be a 100% Human and to finally live my true birth right and what my forefathers fought so hard for, it will be worth is it!! The pursuit of Happiness might come riding in on the heels of Anger but it will leave a trail of Love and Acceptance that I have never known. Look out world I am in a "Are you F**king Kidding mode" It's time to Let Go Of My Anger and Embrace ALL of me!!!!!!!!!
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