The Calling Of The Butterflies....

I have felt this feeling before in my life. Years ago I use to say it's like being in a living theater and once a show closes all the characters go their way and a new cast and stage are put into place. Then as I got older it was more like a living library, a school of sorts. Where we can try out theories and experiment with this thing called life. I have heard some calling it a closing of one door and opening of another, some call it rebirth while still living (reincarnation in a sense). No matter what it is called or how you look at it. Life is about to change.  Change does not always feel comfortable. We can only imagine what the butterfly is feeling or going through while in it's cocoon.  We assume it's sleeping comfortable from the outside but I imagine that kind of transformation must be painful in someways that science hasn't even explored yet.  The Caterpillar has becomes the metaphor for my life. I learned a long time ago life will change with or without me and if I choose to not change my ways, insanity will be in my life day after day.  Like the Caterpillar, I must trust in the process and risk the unknown to see what is to come.  How heart broken I am when I see friends or family living ground hog day year after year. It would be one thing if they were happy but their actions, words and deeds show clearly they are not. Me, as much as I enjoy the security of some things never changing, when life starts calling I listen. I can tell within my soul like a caterpillar when being called to the cocoon it's time for a change.
What I am feeling now must be what the caterpillar feels right before coming out of the cocoon or dreaming state. That eagerness to spread my wings and get on with the business of living life. Life over the past 7 years has been more then challenging, yet they have taught me many lessons. Many people have come and gone from my life in the last 7 years and to all of them I must give a HUGE thank you. These years have brought me to where I am now and the journey I am about to take.
Over the last few months I have watched like a game of chess many people in my life having their lives changed in so many ways. Moving to a new home, finding love or letting go of toxic love and relationships. changing jobs, having babies, the list goes on. The one thing they all had in common was they learned a lesson, took a risk, followed the call of the Butterflies..
That part of your life where in order to grow we must change. Listen I am one to speak, I have journeyed this path many times thinking this time I have made it, only to slip back into old patterns or behaviors but this is different.
I faced a lot of harsh reality the past 4 years. That my ex husband was not the man of respect and honor I thought he was, That the man I fell in love with 7 years ago was and will always be more in love with alcohol then me, That the virus that threatens by life will never be cured that the best we could ever do is keep it dormant and that blood is never as thick as water. I have learned that life is not always fair and you don't always get what you want but as Mick put's it, "you do get what you need!"
I have journeyed many lives in this one and each had it's joys and it's pain but isn't that what living is all about? Experiencing a full life? What if the Caterpillar choose out of fear to not build that cocoon, it would never know how beautiful and free it could be...
Just like the Caterpillar transforms into the Butterfly it's time for me to really spread my wings and fly. The Change has not been easy but arriving here has been so worth it..

On this New Moon are you hearing the Call of the Butterflies?
Are there any areas in your life you want to bring about a Change? a Transformation?
Use Today's New Moon Energy and Encouragement to help bring about those changes.

 Take sometime today to reflect on your life and see where some small changes can make a big difference, the simplest acts sometimes are the foundation of GREATEST change.  Or if like the Butterfly you are being called to Trust in the Process just remember that you wouldn't be called if it wasn't time...

What is wrong with being a Rhino anyways?

It has taken me years to learn that being lazy is okay.

In a society that requires consent motion to equal success this has been a hard lesson to learn.

Many years ago I thought that if I tackled my procrastination problem I would be on the road to success but soon found that in my world that would not be the case. You see I bought goal setting books. I even took online courses and made charts of what to do. I even decided to teach a class thinking this way I would be disciplined and make a habit of it myself. Come to find out I had to cancel the class due to my procrastination.   

Come to find out after years of studying my blood type, how health and wellness comes in many forms and just recently my find of Human Design. I am suppose to be somewhat lazy!

Yay, for me...   

The reason none of that worked for me is because that is not who I am or how I best work in the world. Those who know me can tell you I never lack the drive to get something done, it's just I might wait until I have to or want to. I have also found that when the request comes in a form of "have to" and not my choice I instinctively rebel. Who would of guessed.  

I have often wondered why everyone else seems to have to go, go, go attitude while I usually am more like wait, why and really? That my weekends sometime consist of trips only to the refrigerator, bathroom and bed while others seem to build cities, take trips around the world, while cleaning their houses and making trips to the store. Some weekends my biggest outing is going to the store. No kidding it really is.   I must say that I do have my moments but they are all done in one day, playing taxi, shopping, seeing friends and even writing can all take place in one day and then the next I have to rest up from a full day of being total human.  This use to make me very depressed and over the years as I learned more about my hidden allergies, my illness and how rest seemed to suppress the virus and help my body to heal I lessened up on my self and came to terms with this is who I have become. I never realized this was also who I am suppose to be. Just like you can not judge a fish by his ability to climb a tree. You can not judge a person by what or what they do not do. 

I have recently accepted that to go against the flow of who I am is really stopping my opportunity to move forward.  Making plans to do Yoga in the morning never has worked for me yet every chart had me doing it in the Morning. I write better in the morning when my mind is the clearest.

I love to walk in Nature but when I plan something it never fails that when that day comes around I am just not in the mood. So walking when I feel like it is better then making it a planned activity. I could go on about how I have been silently sabotaging myself by trying to fit into other peoples or societies mold of who they think I should be or want me to be but also comparing myself to others without every allowing myself to find what works best for me. I find this effects many people as I struggle to understand it within myself. I am learning that how I live in the world is dependent on many things, some seen and some unseen and as I have been saying lately. A rhino can think like a unicorn, act like a unicorn, even pretend to be a unicorn but the truth is, it's a rhino always has been and always will be. When the day comes that rhino realizes that will the day that rhino will be truly free.  

Not Just Starting A New Chapter, Picking Up A New Book.....

It seems as if the past couple years that has been all I have been able to do, keep breathing. Moving forward with my life in a more personal or physical way has eluded me. Not only because I was caught in a court battle but also because I was afraid to express anything that could be held against me.  My thoughts. beliefs and lifestyle (food choices) I feared could be twisted and manipulated in a way to affect the out come of the court decision if we were to ever get that far.
I also have been going through a weeding out of the people, place and beliefs ( mine and others) that were holding me back from the life I have always wanted to live. While doing this I had to be vigilant to make sure the stress of court and the toxic people I still had around me didn't trigger a relapse of my virus or cause other complications.
It had been easy to weed out my friends. Time has a way of doing that for me. I did not chase what did not want to stay and allowed people to be themselves without making excuses for them and before I knew it they went away or moved on with their own lives. This made for lonely times but I found that allowed me time to work on me. Why did I still need validation from outside myself and why was I still trying to find my worth in relationships, weather they be love or friendship? The answers did not come easily but over time more has been reveled. Working on changing old patterns of thinking and acting can be very hard when you are being pulled in many direction by people, places and things. Yet somehow over the last two years as I had less people in my inner circle and kept mostly to myself the bigger picture emerged and so did the distraction along with my unrealistic need to save the world. Before I knew it all had become clear to me. Not just in my mind this time but in my spirit and being.
These last two years has brought me many lessons, along with a new clarity about my life and who I will allow in it. What I will give my attention to and how I want my relationships to be with others. I also have rekindled my passion for writing, food and yoga. I have rededicated myself to feeling free to express who I am and share my world in a way that helps others find their way to peace and liberation as well.
I want to thank those of you who have stood by my side and to those who have now moved on, thank you for the loneliness that allowed me to see that chasing friends or family is not for me. That accepting ones behavior that I do not agree with did not make me a saint, it made me a fool. A fool to blind to see that when someone is not in alignment with my values and integrity I do not have to judge but I also do not have to agree. That more then likely that relationship or friendship is not healthy for me and the lesson always is to let it be. That my worth no longer lies in will you be there for me or that you want me in your life. It lies in the fact that I now are truly learning to love and accept me. My worth is found in my passion and I no longer need validation from others to be okay with me. I know the lesson of putting this into practice is just starting but I finally can breath a sense of relief that I no longer have to define who I am or what I am doing by anything or anyone outside of me.
In this crazy human world I now accept I am different then most and my experiences do not define me, they have only guided me into accepting that it's okay to see the world different because not everyone is going to see the world the same or even come close to being like me.  It's not my job anymore to make them understand me or even accept me, just to inform and then let it be. Those that are meant to stay, will and those that are not, that too is now okay with me.
I hope to be more steady with my blogs, sharing this new chapter, hell new book and adventure with you. I invite you to follow me on my Facebook and Instagram as I now embrace this opportunity to explore life through new lenses and through being Authentically me without Fear or Apology..
Life is not really a journey because their is no end to what we can learn and experience. It's more like an experiment in what we have learned and what we allow ourselves to accomplish along the way.
I am excited to start experimenting with the more Authentic Me!!!!

Knowing your boundaries are one thing but setting them is something else.....

Well Hello Again.....

It has been a crazy but wonderful journey these last 5 months. If you follow my blog you know that my last post was about the Call of the Divine Warrior.  When I was drawn to my Oracle deck it gave me inspiration and divine guidance in what I had been through and where I was heading now.
Little did I know that over the next five months I would be cleaning house and setting up boundaries in a way like never before.

Shortly after sharing that post I stepped on a piece of plastic or glass. At the time I thought nothing of it and pulled it out. Weather something stayed in or not we will never truly know, what did happen was it got infected and created a viral infection and before I knew it I was looking forward to surgery. During this time my activity level started to drop and so did my tolerance for people. places and things. My Yoga practices dwindled and so did my movement. I was once again confined mostly to bed because of the pain and the risk of complicating things more. This limited my contact with my friends and once again my world was served up on a sliver and sometimes wooden spoon.

Over the Holidays, Even though I had a great October the high of optimism was fading and the reality of my upcoming surgery was starting to worry me as I wondered if once again my plans would be derailed. I did the best I could to ride out the winter months. Holding on to my plans yet somehow letting go of people and things that were no longer serving me. I am not even sure how it all came to be but it seemed easier and easier to speak my truth and let people go then ever before. I remember being at a friends house for the holiday's and someone asking me what was new and me saying not much except I seem to be breaking up with all my friends. We laughed but how true that was.

The difference this time in my life instead of feeling like I was being left behind, I was now moving on.  If my close friends didn't have time for me, I sure wasn't chasing them anymore. If a man wanted to be in my life he had to make an effort more then just when he was feeling frisky or bored.  I no longer could accept behaviors, old patterns or even the same old drama from anyone in my circle. I just let them walk away or closed the door as soon as they walked away knowing if I was to never chase, they would never even miss me. I didn't feel I needed to explain or give them a chance all I felt was "Let it Go" and the rest will be shown. Oh Boy was it. In many ways by people I expected and people I never would of thought. I must admit it was hard not to take things personal at times but then as I would step back I could see that they were not showing me anything I didn't already know, its just this time I was doing something about it instead of being a passive observer or a nosy body by giving my opinion on the drama or what direction they could be taken instead of just complaining. I was just accepting the truth and then did something about it. This time it just happened to be what I did was walk away.  Maybe a better way of saying it would be I just let others show themselves and then I reacted to that, instead of pointing out what they did that hurt me or trying to point the finger back at myself and ask why. There was a great hurt but also a great weight lifted from my heart in doing this. As you would expect my small circle of close friends got smaller but in the end I was left not having to any longer have people in my life that did not really want to be in it.  Now my world is small but the people in it are in it because they want to be not because they need to be or to gain something from it.

After cleaning house you can say I started setting boundaries for myself and the people who now would be coming into my life and those still in it. This was quite harder. They say old habits die hard and they weren't kidding.  Believe me I was tested at times and failed but the good thing about human behavior is that they repeat their behavior as well. So I would have yet other opportunities to reset boundaries and set new lines in the sand.  I am sure this didn't make me popular but who cares, I was about to be stuck in bed for about a month and a half and to be honest I really was quite happy to shake off any shackles I had created for myself weather they be human or otherwise.

After the New Year I was greeted with a new sense of direction and boundaries. I had decided to put my energy into creating a women circle and hopefully be able to create new relationships while supporting and nurturing the ones I had.  As always on the journey to self discovery I was tested again and this time I had learned from before and spoke my truth and then walked away. This was at times a bold and selfish move but was so needed to start standing up for my worth and acknowledge the one sided relationships I had allowed myself to be in and accept that behavior. In no time I let go of more friends and gained more emotional freedom in myself.

You would think at this point that I would be sad or even emotional over the loss of friends but when you get to be my age you learn one important lesson. Friend is a transient word and so are most human friendships. The value does not come in calling or thinking someone is your friend. It is the behavior in which you interact with this person over the course of time that in the end of their or your life in which you can honesty call yourself friends. Everything else is just sharing company while getting to know a stranger. And how many of us are now strangers to people we once called close friends. More than we would like to admit. Friends come and go but the path is forever.

During February and March I was able to get out and do some community education around the election process and set up some women circle events.  I was thrilled to be out of the house and meeting new people while still setting boundaries for what friends I had left. This was a new skill of opening myself up to new relationships, while resolving others.  I knew that I could easy end up with no friends left at some point but also knew that if that was what was needed to move me down the path so be it.

I knew soon I would be laid up in bed and the work would take care of itself. Friends and Lovers seem to always disappear when it is their time to invest. We all have experienced this. I often tell a story how for years I lived in denial that if I was dying I knew my friends and family would support me and be there, their just busy now but if I really, really needed them. To my surprise when I was dying those people never came, some checked on me but when I didn't die fast enough (a week or so) they moved on.  Sad but that is how life really works and it worked this time as well.  This time I wasn't dying but some people who I had been there no matter what for, invested my friendship in or just even casually started a friendship/love interest just happened to conveniently not be around anymore. When I now needed help taking care of myself and family they were no where to be found. I was disappointed at first more than mad yet somehow now I am glad, it allowed me to see people for who they are not for who I had hoped they would be.  On Easter my sister died and once again to my surprise and somewhat not to my surprise, more people showed their true self.   What a lesson this has been for me. Let me set one thing straight,  I  do have a few VERY great people in my life and I am grateful for them. They are not who I am talking about in this blog. They are the ones who no matter what are always there. They are not the people who distract you with their drama or selfish gain or make you second guess yourself. They are the ones who reach out even when you cant and  are the ones who accept your flaws and love you despite of them.

For now I am recovering from surgery and back to contemplating life while riding out this next Retrograde.  Which for this Mercury girl might just be a good thing. There is nothing more life changing then having to examine your life from laying on a bed while watching the world through the internet. I will say this It has it's advantages and it drawn backs. When June comes I might not have the life I started with 5-6 months ago or even half the friends but there is one thing for sure! I am making way for a new life and chapter. One filled with people, places and things that help carry me through my journey instead of weighing me down or keeping me distracted from living my dreams.



So what have I learned over these past few months:

That this journey is a solitaire one in which we along the way meet strangers that stay in our lives for a reason, a season or part of a lifetime but in the end it only comes down to me. My choices and perceptions. That  most of those people only will stay when we have shared perceptions and likes and when those change then so will our time. Others will come with neighborhoods, jobs or with relationships, yours or your friends. Those too will mostly fade the moment those end or you move as well. So as to this lesson I have to remind myself, "what does not help me on my path only stops me from moving on it."

Boundaries when it comes to relationships weather spoken or unspoken are a must. Without boundaries it is easy for most of us to lose ourselves and our paths along the way. I also have learned we tend to compromise who we are for fear of not being accepted or liked when we do that.  Setting
boundaries is a outwardly way of saying I have respect for myself and you. We can either go around compromising ourselves for strangers we hope to one day call our friend/lover or be true to ourselves and live an authentic life and draw people into your life that respect and accept you and your values without you ever having to compromise one bit. As hard as it is to set boundaries, I will take a Authentic life any day!!       

That all the good intentions in the world get you no where until you are ready to put them into action
and finally that sometimes in order to make a new path you have to first clean up the one your on, so that when you move on nothing is left undone or stuck to the bottom of your foot as you carry on. Because boundaries in the end have to do more with me than they ever have to do about you....