What is wrong with being a Rhino anyways?

It has taken me years to learn that being lazy is okay.

In a society that requires consent motion to equal success this has been a hard lesson to learn.

Many years ago I thought that if I tackled my procrastination problem I would be on the road to success but soon found that in my world that would not be the case. You see I bought goal setting books. I even took online courses and made charts of what to do. I even decided to teach a class thinking this way I would be disciplined and make a habit of it myself. Come to find out I had to cancel the class due to my procrastination.   

Come to find out after years of studying my blood type, how health and wellness comes in many forms and just recently my find of Human Design. I am suppose to be somewhat lazy!

Yay, for me...   

The reason none of that worked for me is because that is not who I am or how I best work in the world. Those who know me can tell you I never lack the drive to get something done, it's just I might wait until I have to or want to. I have also found that when the request comes in a form of "have to" and not my choice I instinctively rebel. Who would of guessed.  

I have often wondered why everyone else seems to have to go, go, go attitude while I usually am more like wait, why and really? That my weekends sometime consist of trips only to the refrigerator, bathroom and bed while others seem to build cities, take trips around the world, while cleaning their houses and making trips to the store. Some weekends my biggest outing is going to the store. No kidding it really is.   I must say that I do have my moments but they are all done in one day, playing taxi, shopping, seeing friends and even writing can all take place in one day and then the next I have to rest up from a full day of being total human.  This use to make me very depressed and over the years as I learned more about my hidden allergies, my illness and how rest seemed to suppress the virus and help my body to heal I lessened up on my self and came to terms with this is who I have become. I never realized this was also who I am suppose to be. Just like you can not judge a fish by his ability to climb a tree. You can not judge a person by what or what they do not do. 

I have recently accepted that to go against the flow of who I am is really stopping my opportunity to move forward.  Making plans to do Yoga in the morning never has worked for me yet every chart had me doing it in the Morning. I write better in the morning when my mind is the clearest.

I love to walk in Nature but when I plan something it never fails that when that day comes around I am just not in the mood. So walking when I feel like it is better then making it a planned activity. I could go on about how I have been silently sabotaging myself by trying to fit into other peoples or societies mold of who they think I should be or want me to be but also comparing myself to others without every allowing myself to find what works best for me. I find this effects many people as I struggle to understand it within myself. I am learning that how I live in the world is dependent on many things, some seen and some unseen and as I have been saying lately. A rhino can think like a unicorn, act like a unicorn, even pretend to be a unicorn but the truth is, it's a rhino always has been and always will be. When the day comes that rhino realizes that will the day that rhino will be truly free.  

Not Just Starting A New Chapter, Picking Up A New Book.....

It seems as if the past couple years that has been all I have been able to do, keep breathing. Moving forward with my life in a more personal or physical way has eluded me. Not only because I was caught in a court battle but also because I was afraid to express anything that could be held against me.  My thoughts. beliefs and lifestyle (food choices) I feared could be twisted and manipulated in a way to affect the out come of the court decision if we were to ever get that far.
I also have been going through a weeding out of the people, place and beliefs ( mine and others) that were holding me back from the life I have always wanted to live. While doing this I had to be vigilant to make sure the stress of court and the toxic people I still had around me didn't trigger a relapse of my virus or cause other complications.
It had been easy to weed out my friends. Time has a way of doing that for me. I did not chase what did not want to stay and allowed people to be themselves without making excuses for them and before I knew it they went away or moved on with their own lives. This made for lonely times but I found that allowed me time to work on me. Why did I still need validation from outside myself and why was I still trying to find my worth in relationships, weather they be love or friendship? The answers did not come easily but over time more has been reveled. Working on changing old patterns of thinking and acting can be very hard when you are being pulled in many direction by people, places and things. Yet somehow over the last two years as I had less people in my inner circle and kept mostly to myself the bigger picture emerged and so did the distraction along with my unrealistic need to save the world. Before I knew it all had become clear to me. Not just in my mind this time but in my spirit and being.
These last two years has brought me many lessons, along with a new clarity about my life and who I will allow in it. What I will give my attention to and how I want my relationships to be with others. I also have rekindled my passion for writing, food and yoga. I have rededicated myself to feeling free to express who I am and share my world in a way that helps others find their way to peace and liberation as well.
I want to thank those of you who have stood by my side and to those who have now moved on, thank you for the loneliness that allowed me to see that chasing friends or family is not for me. That accepting ones behavior that I do not agree with did not make me a saint, it made me a fool. A fool to blind to see that when someone is not in alignment with my values and integrity I do not have to judge but I also do not have to agree. That more then likely that relationship or friendship is not healthy for me and the lesson always is to let it be. That my worth no longer lies in will you be there for me or that you want me in your life. It lies in the fact that I now are truly learning to love and accept me. My worth is found in my passion and I no longer need validation from others to be okay with me. I know the lesson of putting this into practice is just starting but I finally can breath a sense of relief that I no longer have to define who I am or what I am doing by anything or anyone outside of me.
In this crazy human world I now accept I am different then most and my experiences do not define me, they have only guided me into accepting that it's okay to see the world different because not everyone is going to see the world the same or even come close to being like me.  It's not my job anymore to make them understand me or even accept me, just to inform and then let it be. Those that are meant to stay, will and those that are not, that too is now okay with me.
I hope to be more steady with my blogs, sharing this new chapter, hell new book and adventure with you. I invite you to follow me on my Facebook and Instagram as I now embrace this opportunity to explore life through new lenses and through being Authentically me without Fear or Apology..
Life is not really a journey because their is no end to what we can learn and experience. It's more like an experiment in what we have learned and what we allow ourselves to accomplish along the way.
I am excited to start experimenting with the more Authentic Me!!!!