A Time Of Reflection......

After writing in my Journal this morning I was surfing my documents and came across a old entry that I wrote after a healing session done by a very close friend of mine. As I started to read it I was taken back to that morning and once again reminded of who I am and just how far I have come..

 As I woke this morning and the events of yesterday start to play in my head. I feel I am still processing what happened but a few things have become obviously clear.

The first is that I have been telling myself all along that I needed to learn to “love myself”. What a lie I was telling myself to keep me in the state of thinking I needed to do more, be more... It became clear as I laid on the session table allowing the hidden wounds of my past to fly by me as if going through a worm hole in space. Watching everything that had wounded me and brought shame into my life go by . I was watching and feeling all the times of my past that the pain and confusion was to much to bear that I had not only hidden the memories but also created a disease to slowly wipe them out. The problem was now the disease was not only removing the wounded memories but the magical ones too. It had become time to face them and bring healing into my life. As I viewed each one that stopped by to look me in the face it became clear I had to stop and look at who I was now.. because coming from deep inside me I knew that is all I have and really all that matters. As I did it became apparent that one thing was clear. I had kept up the good fight, never giving up on myself. I had been like a fighter in the ring. I took the punches and shook it off and got back up to fight again. Each time learning something new about myself and a new skill to take back in the ring with me. I watched as with each pain and trauma I forgave my offender and moved on seeing them and events as my greatest teachers. Now something through the emotions was coming to the surface and it was my deeper love and respect for myself.

At first I could not see it.. because I need to understand something first. I had never created these wounds I was just a part of them. Using the fighter analogy when you step in the ring you are not sure what will happen and each punch or action is a reaction to the opponents moves. Like a dance of reaction and action. I knew in my heart I had never intentional brought pain to anyone in my life. Maybe misunderstanding but I have not one malice or cruel bone in my body. This I know to be my truth. So to me it had not become as much about the dance as what I did with it. Was I going to let it consumes me or was I going to take it as a lesson and move on. I had always chosen to move on. A deeper part of me calling through the fight, the battle, the tears and the pain to not give up, to never give up. It brought me back to that moment on the deck not so long ago when I thanked Creator by saying “ Thank you for never giving up on me “ and I heard “ It was you that never gave up on you”.. The tears rolled and my heart started to open and I could feel the love I had for myself want to touch the surface but it was still being held back. Why? I asked had I not given up, why had I not allowed these people and event to change me.. steal who I was and cause me a life of suffering and more pain now brought not by them but by myself... and the first of two images came to mind. The first in all his glory was the image of Jesus with his hand outreached to me and he said “Faith” faith my child you never lost the true meaning of faith... and the with a smile that would light up the universe his next words “ you kept the greatest of my commands”.. “ Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you”.... by now the tears flowed. Gushed is a better word... My heart cracked open and I saw the love I had for myself and others... At that moment the most painful and fearful memory’s came like the damn had bust and I at that moment as my eyes open there no other instinct but to be held and that is what happened with loving arms around me I let go my greatest fears and my greatest pain... As I was held for the first time in my life by someone that wanted nothing in return but to love me and with that I let go... Then he spoke those words... “ Now you must forgive yourself”...

The second of the insight was hitting and it was again becoming clear that I had never deeply forgiven myself for the pain I had let in. I had always been able to forgive my oppressors and understand why they hurt me but had I ever really forgave myself for letting them hurt me.. As I gathered myself to lay back down and clear the next level the words that were being spoken was... forgive yourself that little girl misses you and loves you let her come back. Like going through the next worm hole I watched as the clock ticked back to my childhood and I use that word to describe the years not the time. I truly never had a childhood.. At 5 I had learned tough lessons and by 9 was pretty much on my own.. never really having friends or family around I grew up fast and those years of discover became years of survival and lessons that till yesterday was all I knew. Then she appeared.. With her hair that flowed down the back of her spine touching the tip of her hips.. with those beautiful hazel eyes a glow, in her jean summer dress tied in the back and of course her dirty barefoot feet.. It was me at the age of 6. I loved that dress and she looked beautiful and she was looking at me asking me to come with her... she took my hand and danced me through the grass field with sunflowers blowing in the wind and she was singing to me the way I sing to Austin... I cried for I hadn't felt that kind of love and freedom in a very long time... I turned to her and said “ Please forgive me, I never meant to let them hurt you”.. and with the eyes of a angel and a heart that spanned the universe she said “ It is you that must forgive you, it is the only way to be free” and in that moment I felts her heart reach out to mine and I said the words' I forgive.... I forgive you and I forgive me... and my heart burst open in that instance she smiled and I must say I smiled to then she let go of my hand and said “The battle is over and you have won the fight.. I knew you had it in you..” I could feel her eyes saying put down your weapons, let go of your fears, now you will find peace. As she started to walk into the Sun light she looked back and said.... “ You do know how beautiful you are don’t you? Stop looking outside for validation of who you are all you need is to look within.. it is the only place you will find the truth..” As she disappeared in a Rainbow light from the sun.. I now could feel myself.. My beauty, my knowledge, my wisdom and most of all the love I have for myself...

All these years I had been searching outside myself for the validation of being loved but all along I had it right inside me if I would of took the time to see.. As I pulled myself out of the session as it came to a close.. I was taken back by the two things that now had set me free... forgiving myself and learning that I never need to learn to love myself if I just would have had the right eyes to see I would known I never stopped loving myself.. I just need to stop letting others define what love was to me.

As I slowly got up from the table I took a few minutes to really feel myself... my face, my nose.. my skin and a voice in my head echoed.. I guess I am beautiful... and smart.. and I do have a good heart. Then it dawned on me... I had never taken the time to see my own beauty, to look at my courage and strength to acknowledge my inner wisdom.... At that moment I was able to see how disconnected I was to my inner development.. I had always been so busy trying to work on the things that others thought were wrong with me I never took the time to enjoy the things that were “right” about me.. it is not to say I will ever give up my sense of discovery and expansion but now it is not to fix or make better but to expand upon. Yesterday was a great unveiling of the deeper hidden wounds that just needed to be brought to the surface not to relive them but to see with new eyes and let them go.... Like a line from a Hallmark movie “Wishing Well” “ There once was a man that said I can not even see what is right in front of me”.....

I have to say that out of the session, I was told I looked ten years younger and I can only say I felt ten years lighter and as the night drew to an end.. I found myself giggling and it felt good and I was finding a inner strength that I never knew I had... I was in my minds eye going over relationship I have in my life now and the ones I want in the future and I have discovered I am worth more then I ever gave myself credit for and that I no longer have to or will try to convince people I am worthy to love, it now is up to them to prove to me they are worth to be in my life because loving just comes natural to me....

I give thanks this morning to myself for having the courage again to not be afraid to go deeper and to have loved me those all these years.... “LOVE YOU JUSTINE!!!!!! and I love all of you!!  

These words echo true today even more so then ever.. 

Sometime it is good to look back it is when we get stuck there that we run into problems.