The Body Is So Amazing....

A Time Of Reflection......

After writing in my Journal this morning I was surfing my documents and came across a old entry that I wrote after a healing session done by a very close friend of mine. As I started to read it I was taken back to that morning and once again reminded of who I am and just how far I have come..

 As I woke this morning and the events of yesterday start to play in my head. I feel I am still processing what happened but a few things have become obviously clear.

The first is that I have been telling myself all along that I needed to learn to “love myself”. What a lie I was telling myself to keep me in the state of thinking I needed to do more, be more... It became clear as I laid on the session table allowing the hidden wounds of my past to fly by me as if going through a worm hole in space. Watching everything that had wounded me and brought shame into my life go by . I was watching and feeling all the times of my past that the pain and confusion was to much to bear that I had not only hidden the memories but also created a disease to slowly wipe them out. The problem was now the disease was not only removing the wounded memories but the magical ones too. It had become time to face them and bring healing into my life. As I viewed each one that stopped by to look me in the face it became clear I had to stop and look at who I was now.. because coming from deep inside me I knew that is all I have and really all that matters. As I did it became apparent that one thing was clear. I had kept up the good fight, never giving up on myself. I had been like a fighter in the ring. I took the punches and shook it off and got back up to fight again. Each time learning something new about myself and a new skill to take back in the ring with me. I watched as with each pain and trauma I forgave my offender and moved on seeing them and events as my greatest teachers. Now something through the emotions was coming to the surface and it was my deeper love and respect for myself.

At first I could not see it.. because I need to understand something first. I had never created these wounds I was just a part of them. Using the fighter analogy when you step in the ring you are not sure what will happen and each punch or action is a reaction to the opponents moves. Like a dance of reaction and action. I knew in my heart I had never intentional brought pain to anyone in my life. Maybe misunderstanding but I have not one malice or cruel bone in my body. This I know to be my truth. So to me it had not become as much about the dance as what I did with it. Was I going to let it consumes me or was I going to take it as a lesson and move on. I had always chosen to move on. A deeper part of me calling through the fight, the battle, the tears and the pain to not give up, to never give up. It brought me back to that moment on the deck not so long ago when I thanked Creator by saying “ Thank you for never giving up on me “ and I heard “ It was you that never gave up on you”.. The tears rolled and my heart started to open and I could feel the love I had for myself want to touch the surface but it was still being held back. Why? I asked had I not given up, why had I not allowed these people and event to change me.. steal who I was and cause me a life of suffering and more pain now brought not by them but by myself... and the first of two images came to mind. The first in all his glory was the image of Jesus with his hand outreached to me and he said “Faith” faith my child you never lost the true meaning of faith... and the with a smile that would light up the universe his next words “ you kept the greatest of my commands”.. “ Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you”.... by now the tears flowed. Gushed is a better word... My heart cracked open and I saw the love I had for myself and others... At that moment the most painful and fearful memory’s came like the damn had bust and I at that moment as my eyes open there no other instinct but to be held and that is what happened with loving arms around me I let go my greatest fears and my greatest pain... As I was held for the first time in my life by someone that wanted nothing in return but to love me and with that I let go... Then he spoke those words... “ Now you must forgive yourself”...

The second of the insight was hitting and it was again becoming clear that I had never deeply forgiven myself for the pain I had let in. I had always been able to forgive my oppressors and understand why they hurt me but had I ever really forgave myself for letting them hurt me.. As I gathered myself to lay back down and clear the next level the words that were being spoken was... forgive yourself that little girl misses you and loves you let her come back. Like going through the next worm hole I watched as the clock ticked back to my childhood and I use that word to describe the years not the time. I truly never had a childhood.. At 5 I had learned tough lessons and by 9 was pretty much on my own.. never really having friends or family around I grew up fast and those years of discover became years of survival and lessons that till yesterday was all I knew. Then she appeared.. With her hair that flowed down the back of her spine touching the tip of her hips.. with those beautiful hazel eyes a glow, in her jean summer dress tied in the back and of course her dirty barefoot feet.. It was me at the age of 6. I loved that dress and she looked beautiful and she was looking at me asking me to come with her... she took my hand and danced me through the grass field with sunflowers blowing in the wind and she was singing to me the way I sing to Austin... I cried for I hadn't felt that kind of love and freedom in a very long time... I turned to her and said “ Please forgive me, I never meant to let them hurt you”.. and with the eyes of a angel and a heart that spanned the universe she said “ It is you that must forgive you, it is the only way to be free” and in that moment I felts her heart reach out to mine and I said the words' I forgive.... I forgive you and I forgive me... and my heart burst open in that instance she smiled and I must say I smiled to then she let go of my hand and said “The battle is over and you have won the fight.. I knew you had it in you..” I could feel her eyes saying put down your weapons, let go of your fears, now you will find peace. As she started to walk into the Sun light she looked back and said.... “ You do know how beautiful you are don’t you? Stop looking outside for validation of who you are all you need is to look within.. it is the only place you will find the truth..” As she disappeared in a Rainbow light from the sun.. I now could feel myself.. My beauty, my knowledge, my wisdom and most of all the love I have for myself...

All these years I had been searching outside myself for the validation of being loved but all along I had it right inside me if I would of took the time to see.. As I pulled myself out of the session as it came to a close.. I was taken back by the two things that now had set me free... forgiving myself and learning that I never need to learn to love myself if I just would have had the right eyes to see I would known I never stopped loving myself.. I just need to stop letting others define what love was to me.

As I slowly got up from the table I took a few minutes to really feel myself... my face, my nose.. my skin and a voice in my head echoed.. I guess I am beautiful... and smart.. and I do have a good heart. Then it dawned on me... I had never taken the time to see my own beauty, to look at my courage and strength to acknowledge my inner wisdom.... At that moment I was able to see how disconnected I was to my inner development.. I had always been so busy trying to work on the things that others thought were wrong with me I never took the time to enjoy the things that were “right” about me.. it is not to say I will ever give up my sense of discovery and expansion but now it is not to fix or make better but to expand upon. Yesterday was a great unveiling of the deeper hidden wounds that just needed to be brought to the surface not to relive them but to see with new eyes and let them go.... Like a line from a Hallmark movie “Wishing Well” “ There once was a man that said I can not even see what is right in front of me”.....

I have to say that out of the session, I was told I looked ten years younger and I can only say I felt ten years lighter and as the night drew to an end.. I found myself giggling and it felt good and I was finding a inner strength that I never knew I had... I was in my minds eye going over relationship I have in my life now and the ones I want in the future and I have discovered I am worth more then I ever gave myself credit for and that I no longer have to or will try to convince people I am worthy to love, it now is up to them to prove to me they are worth to be in my life because loving just comes natural to me....

I give thanks this morning to myself for having the courage again to not be afraid to go deeper and to have loved me those all these years.... “LOVE YOU JUSTINE!!!!!! and I love all of you!!  

These words echo true today even more so then ever.. 

Sometime it is good to look back it is when we get stuck there that we run into problems. 

I Dreamed Of Tea And Cookies....

Yesterday is but a blur of naps and some delicious 

 tea and cookies!!! 

As much as I had hoped for some company my body had other plans for me. I struggled most of the morning to get a few chores done and see if I needed to go out for a few things just in case it snows tonight.  The word now is that it might just be some wet snow and rain. I am glad because a little after lunch I fell asleep like sleeping beauty. 

I woke up and the sun had gone down and it was time to eat again. I missed my company and I felt at first as if I wasted a whole Saturday until I heard Austin tell me how I must of needed the sleep that my phone went off but "you seemed like you really needed the sleep". What is so cute about that is that is the same thing I am always telling him. I guess yesterday he was given me some mothering...

What ever the reason I agree, I needed it. After the session with Georgana she said I might need some rest and boy was she right. I am still feeling it this morning but was able to keep to my daily yoga practice of the Sun Salutation. 

Right now it is not the ritual I had set out in my mind but I am making sure I do it no matter what. Even if its in the middle of my kitchen floor in between Facebooking and making breakfast. 

I keep reminding myself that this is just a trial run before the first hits so if there are some bumps in the road that is fine as long as I work them out as I go. I even asked Austin what would he like to accomplish for himself this year. He told me this morning he would like to eat more healthy, learn Archery with me and as a hobby he will pick something then learn all about it..  

It is beautiful to be able to share some of his goals with him as we both step into 2014 with a new sense being. He has been watching me every morning stick to stretchering and the yoga, I am hoping soon he follows with taking better care his body as well. I can only be an example of the power of change and devotion if I am that example. 

There is a reason I set out on that journey almost 5 years ago and it was to be the best Mother I could be for my son. The fact that my illness stole those years from me do not bother me as much any more as it use to, I know now we still learned valuable lessons along the way. 

Now it is time to live fully from those lesson and embrace life as the adventure it was meant to be.

Today I will still listen to by body and give it the rest it needs while being an observer of my own life and how I have been living it... 

Look Who Came A Calling This Morning.....

"If the Blue Jay has flown into your life, it indicates that you are moving into a time where you can begin to develop the innate royalty that is within you, or simply be a pretender to the throne. It all depends on you. The Blue Jay has no qualms. It will teach you either direction..........." 

Ted Andrews, "Animals Speak"

Reading those words were like a direct hit of truth. There has only been one other time words hit me so hard. Those came to me two summers ago during a session with a beautiful couple who told me my life would change dramatically. Bill said these words he still to this day does not remember.

 "You will never meet a vegetarian with meat on your breath." 

The reality of that statement and the truth of the Blue Jay this morning is hitting home in more ways then one.

 "You can not give away what you do not have"

"You are the one you have been waiting for"

and these words

"If you came to help humanity you must be here to do it"

They keep echoing in my mind this morning.... 

Asking me to step out of my mind and into the world, to not hide my light under my own bushel  but let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I am heading off this morning to see my beautiful friend Georgana. Within her presence I always seem to find the acceptance I seek and the answers I search for just by feeling free to be myself fully. I can not wait to see what we discover about ourselves and the world we live in today just by being present in each others company. The lost art of friendship, is found within her four walls... 

All you need is love....

I had a wonderful Christmas, I hope everyone else did as well....    

Waking Up To A New Devotion and Commitment....

I love this time of morning, it is beautifully quiet. The darkness it like a resit button that brings me back in reflection to the day that just passed and how to move yesterdays thoughts into today's actions.  I feel this morning closer to the spirit of Christmas then ever before. That feeling of family and love but more a time of rejoicing in all things.  As I sit down this morning with my cup of joe, I easily go into conversation with myself. That ego part that loves to chat in the morning. Planning the day trying to be like the personal assistant that is giving you a worry report. "Here are the things to worry about to day." I am so glad I made peace with my assistant 7 years ago. Instead of my personal assistant aka Ego coming to me every minute to report the news, I call upon its service or opinion when I need it. We did compromise that in case of extreme emergencies it can still butt in. It took a few years to train myself and my ego to become partners on this path. Now we meet in the mornings over a cup of joe and my journal. It's like my own morning briefing session from the events of the day before.  

On its agenda this morning is making a commitment to a morning yoga/stretch meditation.  

The past week I have been feeling a inner yearning to devote myself to a daily practice of yoga and stretching.  I know I am not the only one whose soul and body are craving to be lived in more fully now. It is the commitment that needs to be there for me. 

I have been carrying around Richard Hittleman's books since I was 12. Trying unsuccessfully to make it a daily devotion. My soul was speaking but I wasn't able to understand yet. I also found it hard in the late 80's to be a 13 year old into yoga when the rest of my friends were into more material things and the outer experiance. It was ease to put aside the practice of yoga for the desire of adventure. I have over the years picked it up only to once again start to allow other things my personal assistant.. {Ego} thought were more important to get in the way. 

Then once I made my big move and became sick I was physically unable to put anything into practice except learning to live in the moment. Maybe that was my foundation for this yearning to live more fully in my body. Not only though Yoga practices but through the food choices I make. I am starting to hear from the whisperers of my souls divine mind that for there to be permanent change I must be willing to "Commit". Commit to the change and the process and then be devoted to it in all ways.

Sometimes in the illusion of our everyday we get lost and forget we are more then some meat suit walking around trying to make sense of the whole thing. We have to come back to the silence of our own mind and take a moment to communion with our own bodies so we can feel alive. Sometimes we also have to be willing to commit to a better life through taken actions. This is the desire that make me commit to this practice in a daily mediation type of prayer that not only honors the Prime Source that created me but also my Body Temple that houses me.

I have decided to commit to putting into practice a daily Sun Salutation 

Something simple to commit to daily. 

Learning to be in each pose and feeling the connection with my body I am sure will not only be  nurturing for my soul but a needed stretch for my body. I have given myself permission to add poses but I must daily commit to this salutation.  There must be commitment and devotion. The commitment holds me accountable, the devotion brings me in divine union with self and source. I am excited to face myself with this issue of self discipline. Something I have not always done well with. Yoga is calling and my assistant thinks its a good  idea and my soul has been waiting for about 34 years for this day, so let get this experience started. What better day then Today!!!

Change is in the air....

As the 25th closely approaches I feel this inner desire and pull toward a new way of thinking. As if a veil has been lifted where I never knew one existed. A inner call to eat more consciously,  do art, learn to be present in my body in stillness and in motion. A inner vision of possibilities that I had once dreamed of even touch and now coming back into focus. A awaking of a deeper yearning for a new experience and understanding of my new place in the world.. a shift in my consciousness is happening. I can feel it on many levels of my being.  My body is asking to be moved and stretched. To be given food that nurtures the body and feeds the soul. My emotions are learning to work with my mind not against it, they are learning to dance together for the first time and My soul is learning to speak though actions and creation. My whole being is watching the unfolding as my eyes reflect back to me the coming changes that have been foretold.. Where these new thought forms will take me even I don't know.  All I can say is shifts like these bring in great changes that usually expand my soul and enrich my life in ways I alone could never of imagined.  I have committed to myself to allow this upcoming year to be a transformation of my true desires into reality. Doing that will take some commitment, dedication, preparation and practice...  It will also take a deeper communion with my soul then I have experienced before. Weather I am ready or not I hear the call from my soul and my mind, they are ready to explore a deeper understand of reality and my place in it. It will be interesting to see where this next year will take me. Like a book with no end, another chapter is being written, which means another journey begins..

Conscious Eating For The Holidays....

Today as I put the finishing touches on my menu for the Holiday I found my soul getting excited. The last few days I was pulling out recipes and rereading magazines to see if I could  be inspired to create a wonderful Christmas experience. I was looking for something warm and also traditional. I must say I feel excited about my choices.. 

First for Christmas Eve, a hearty and flavorful dish of Homemade Marconi and Cheese and Cornbread. 

I will have to make some changes of Coarse.. 

Starting with using Quinoa elbow that will keep the pasta gluten free. 

I will also be using vegan butter Earth Balance and my cheese will be  one of the Daiya brands. It is a great cheese alternative and melts wonderfully. Last but not least I will be using Hemp milk to round things off. I really enjoy converting recipes over so that I can eat them and I am really lucky I have a son willing to experiment with me. I wish I could say my cornbread was gluten free and egg free but it's not. In case my Marconi is a disaster I promised Austin the cornbread would be good!  So I will be substituting 1 Tbsp of Milled Flaxseed with 3 Tbsp of water for 1 egg in the recipe and taking my chance with the rest of the ingredients. I have made myself a commitment to learn how to bake a few of my favorite carbs gluten free this upcoming year and I am really looking forward to that!! 

I will maybe round the meal off with a nice simple salad and hope that it warms our soul and delights are taste buds all at the same time. 

As for Christmas Dinner this year, I have decided in keeping with my warm hearted winter holiday theme to serve a Traditional  Lamb Shepherds Pie with a side of seasoned green beans and rolls. 

I debated between vegetarian or traditional most of the day. I knew that it was a great transitional dish as well and that removing the meat would not harm its essence or flavor if done with love and care.  I also knew that the traditions dish of Shepard's Pie made with lamb would also make for a wonderful winter meal as well. Either way I knew Shepard's pie would make for the perfect Christmas dinner. I wanted something that said home cooking but with a taste of gourmet flavor, I mean it is Christmas. So with out any restrictions I created a shopping list of sweet peas, mushrooms, mixed corn and carrots. I got some fresh thyme and rosemary, picked up a sweet onion and fresh garlic. I also picked up some red wine and Worcestershire sauce to add some flavor to the lamb.  I would flavor the green beans with stewed tomatoes, mushrooms and pancetta. I would have to settle for some store bought gluten free rolls for now but next year they will be freshly made.

Like a painter with a plate of colors to choose from I am excited to be creating such a warm and loving dish for such a special day...

I have a feeling that the next two days my kitchen will be full of joy and my taste buds in heaven while staying true to what my body needs and my soul desires to keep me in balance with all things.

This Christmas food is my medicine but also my therapy.......  

We Truly Are Stardust

I was reading a blog this morning and came across a beautiful quote from Astrophysicist, Niel deGrasse Tyson. Which expressed the simple but yet beautiful fact that we are all connected to each other biologically, to the Earth chemically and the rest of the universe atomically. How amazing is that?!  He is right how large that makes me feel and how special that makes each one of us. Why does that thought make me shy away? Why am I afraid to see myself as different then what I have been taught to believe. From the moment we are born at least my generation we have been born of separation and sin. That from my first breath I already was something that God looked down in shame on.. that I had to confess of my sin, even though I had done nothing but been born of flesh and from that moment I was taught I am and always will be a sinner no matter what I did. That even attending church could not guarantee my favor with god. That I had to be vigilante of some red horned shaped devil man and his following that would tempt me into being worse then a sinner, a active one...  It all sounds so bizarre when reduced to the truth. It's funny how quite the opposite is True,  I am Creators greatest creation and the moment I was born I was given the greatest gift of all; life in the Creators Kingdom..  Earth it is just one of his Kingdoms in the heavens and yet maybe we are on a small planet, in a small universe but we are part of a larger picture, a deeper meaning to life, one in which we are celebrated for our worth and our lives treasured as the Children of God and Living Creation. One where we are not sinners but a beautiful dance of biological, chemical and atomic energy that some how was gifted consciousness in the search for ones place among the stars. Where on the day you were born you weren't looked upon as a sinner as much as a Miracle... Maybe if we started seeing ourselves through those eyes we would finally be set free from our sins since the cross seemed to have done no good. No good at all.. Then we can see each other in ourselves and in turn start to respect life and each other in a more loving and respectful way. If you knew that everyone was you and what you did to them you did to yourself , let alone GOD!! what a difference that would make in today's world and the next generation. Next time you look at something see God and try hating it, judging it or even worse hurting it.. trying seeing everything from a larger picture, lets say a Heavens view down not on a world of sinners but a world of potentialities...
Thank you Niel deGrasse Tyson for making something so complicated so simple and yet so true...

Morning Insight and Commitment...

Yesterday was a very lazy day in which I did mostly nothing. I mean I got up to check on Austin, stretched a bit and took care of our basic needs but that was about that. The storm had carried with it about 12-14 inches of snow and I was content to just be in my head all day. I must say at one point we did try to tackle Austin's Xbox but after a few hours of what felt like circles we gave up. Today all this computer stuff makes no sense.. being all connected seems to make life more   complicated then when we got to choose when and who we talk to or even commerce with. I am still a bit confused seeing as for the last three years I have been basically for layman's terms sleep walking but it seems to me I have woke up in a world of the Matrix.. What happened to the good old days when you bought a game console you plugged it in and played it. Now you have to open accounts, give personal info, blood type and first born just so you can turn it on and use it. Oh and God forbid there is something wrong 2 hours emails to fix something that use to be fixed by a reset button on the side. I don't know about anyone else but that seems like more work to me. Why do they need so much from you.. consumer safety, marketing, updates, ect, Yuck , BS, yada yada yada.. more like invade my privacy and take up my time so my kid can play your game..that even though I bought it I cant just play it. Madness and I thought I had lost my mind while I was sick. Maybe I was in the better place all along..

 Today's insight.. If it wasn't broke in the first place don't fix it and sometimes what we think are advancements in civilization are really loses of  our liberties in disguise...

Today I commit to unplugging myself from the Matrix from time to time to see what the Hell is really going on here in my own life and on Planet Earth!!!!!

Morning Insight and Commitment..

It is hard enough just to live in this body let alone in this world.  I know I am not like everyone else, looking back I have known that all my life. Yes it is true I have tried to deny it but what I have learned is truth is truth not matter how much you try to lie to yourself it is impossible. I can think back easily of many occasions were reality met consciousness in such a way that there could be no denying something super natural but more like super human had just occurred. That is the question that has hunted me all my life was it me that was making things happen? was it them, who ever they are or is it a little of both. Is this on Purpose or is this Chaos ?
These questions have been with me so long they have just became a part of who I am. Gathering answers to my own riddle so that some day I can solve it. As strange as it might sound to some that riddle has carried me on many adventures and saved me from many heart ache, even death. It has kept me alive when death came knocking each time and it opened unseen worlds I never would of believed true with out experiencing it for myself.  In the early morning like today when the snow is falling and our world is shifting I find an inner need to speak to a deeper part of myself or maybe it is more like listen.There is nothing more beautiful and awaking then being in the presence of ones own mind and being present within ones own body. It is within the silence of the moment and the relaxing of the body that I find comfort in the fact that even though I might not have all the answer I seek I do have the ones I need and each day more is reviled.

Today I will live within my body aware of all things and I will have communion with my soul mind in a deeper way.

What if there "Really" is a God???

What if there "Really" is a God? Not the elusive God of the Church but a Universal essence that lives within all Living things? Not one that is Judging because that would be like Judging its self, since all living creations seen and unseen as in the elements forms {wind, air, fire and Earth, Stars and Germs and everything in expansion} come from its contemplation of itself. Not the God of War, because that would be like the Body attacking itself. Like a Autoimmune disease that sees itself as a invader and tries to kill itself off without even knowing it. Not like the God of Greed, who demand  a tithing, a sacrifice or a perversion of the truth to gain his LOVE. That would be like having to pay for Gods grace, That giving your life or killing another human in its Name somehow would earn you a place next to his throne. You would be killing a aspect, like a child of the One your trying to Honor? Killing of God's Children, that makes no sense. That would be like a God who speaks of Truth would never condone a lie especially done in his name or to trick or mislead another, It would be like trying to lie to yourself and we all know that is the one person we can not lie too. If we come form the One, we are the One, the offspring of his Divine creation. Why would a God create such amazing creations to only demand worship instead of give Love.
I mean what if there was a "God" a Creative Force that upon its own desire to expand and evolve it created all you see and even the air you breathe.  It has no Face, because it is Faces less, It has no Gender because only Humans have a body in which its spirits dwell. It has No religion because it has no need to worship itself. It has no Law but the ones of Nature and Physics that keep It's kingdoms in balance and ever creating and evolving. Yet the Force is Compassionate and Just. It's Intelligence surpasses our Human understand but yet the Force is ever teaching and allowing us to choose our lessons as we go. Like a Parent that watches over their child but allows them the freedom to become who ever they chose to be, the Force allows us free will. What if evolution and spirituality were not separate but one aspect that two words belong too. What if Religion and Science were basically the same thing but yet came from two different perspectives. What if the God of our current understand is not at all what we have come to know with the limited understand we have been taught but that "God" is a living essence of the possibility in which lay before our very eyes each and everyday. That in the wind it hugs us with it's outreached arms. With the breathe of life it kisses us softly and everyday breathes new life into it children. That with it's contemplation of itself and allowing its children free will that all you see before you it created along side of you, lending you it ever presence as a guiding light when you let it. That it does not judge you because it does not judge itself but be ever amazed at the challenges you met. It demands nothing more then you are willing to give and asks nothing in return  because it is content within itself. Its only gift is expansion a opportunity to evolve as it was given that itself by something of only its understanding.  That there is no judgement day, no need for war or greed just the desire to be alive and to be a part of this kingdom that was created for and by you and others like you.. What If... Wouldn't the world be a better place if we expand our idea of "God' to go past idea, theories or dogma's . To go  past division and find unity in a expanded understand of the Human race and its place in this Galaxy, let alone Universe. If we gave up our kid like ideas of a White Haired Bearded Man somewhere up in space who Judges those that do not worship and kill in his Name?? Who like Santa makes a list of the Naughty and Nice and decides their fate by listening to the opinions of those that worship him and hold judgement over their own species... who are sure that Paying for grace and bullet proof cars are a sign of true Faith.. Its is time to move pass those things into a deeper relationship with self and the one who made you. So for Today just ask yourself "What If' and as you breathe in know that "The Creator" is kissing you with the breathe of Life, When Nature comes to visit know it is "God" reaching out to make Heaven meet Earth Through the Mother of  Many Forms.When you are faced with a challenge weather great or small that "The Force" is giving you an opportunity for inner or outer growth, a small step in evolution of your Mind, Body and Spirit. A exercise in Free Will without Judgement but those of your own. That When you look to the Skies and the Heavens shine down that you are never truly alone. For we are "All" creation in motion and the same "Spirit' that guides and speaks to you in the echos of your mind speaks to them as well and if you listen closely you to can hear all living things speaking the language of the Creator known as "LOVE". That the same life "Force" that runs through you, runs through all things. No matter the form in which "God" appears it is still All "God" and Today "The Creator" is with you in all things because it is All Things including "YOU"...

Right is Right, Wrong is Wrong Post Inspiration ... {last court case; 28:30 time mark}

This is the Court Case that inspired my earlier post Today... Enjoy!!!

Right is Right and Wrong is Wrong...

In watching a case of Peoples Court I came to a conclusion about the "Truth". If someones Truth is not yours does that always make them a Lair? When you watch litigants in a court setting both swearing to tell the truth you expect there to be some consistence in their stories but most often there are not. Often both stories are so opposing that you wonder how could they even know each other. One of them has to be lying. That's the most obvious conclusion. What if we took that thought farther out? What if they Both believe that to be True, what make one a lair and how do we choose which one to believe? Both in life and in law you look for a more likely then not scenario, does that make sense. If your really good you can translate body language and pick up on discrepancies. It is when Both parts are so convincing of their Truth that we need to ask ourselves maybe that person believes this to be "their Truth"  Then we must assume they acted in such a way as normal to their belief of the truth as they were experiencing it..  You see I have lived by a understand that there will always be "My" Truth, "Your" Truth and all we need to do is meet in the "Middle".
In watching this one episode Truth could never be more opposing. Two stories that are now being brought before a stranger to determine the "Truth" or up hold the law. In watching the case unfold you know that looks can be deceiving but that there is more here then just a breach of contact case.As I listen to the case I too wondered how one person can either lie so blatantly to the judge or  had they really convinced them self that was the Truth? The only thing left was facts but sometimes there will never be hard evidence of certain truth we hold dear. To explain my point of view here. We all believe in a "God" we have no evidence that would hold up in a court of law but yet millions live as if there is one. So even facts do not make the difference sometimes in who is telling the Truth. So here we are left again with opposing stories, not enough facts to support one side over the other and one compiling witness. The defendants daughter, who says she is standing on the side of what is right. As she said when asked "why are you a witness against your mom?". "I know Right from wrong, this is wrong. Right is Right and Wrong is Wrong". The judge then does something not often done in small claims, she take a recess to give time for the plaintiff to try and get more evidence. She too knows someone is a bold face liar and  wants to get to the truth. In life I think there is times when we feel like this. We just want to know the facts and get down to the truth and other times we are fine with the perception we get from others or come to find for ourselves. Either way it is coming to the Truth. There is one thing this case was bringing out for both sides was either this Mother was going to get a wake up call from a daughter who was only living up to the morals her mother once set for her that she herself were not living or this Daughter would have to live with the fact that she stood up in court and called her mom a liar. There was not going to be no middle ground here. No coming to a meeting of the minds. You could see it as the Daughter spoke after the recess that she never want to be in court and the Mother pain of asking herself why?? It then became obvious that the Mother was lying as her eyes got teared as her daughter spoke. You see there is something about Truth that most want to deny to others and themselves but you can't. It is one of the universal Truths.. You can try and lie to everyone else but you can NEVER lie to yourself. Not at the core of your being. Even murders will say "I knew it was wrong but....." You see we can have many perceptions of the Truth but as this young women said "Right is Right and Wrong is Wrong".. Even though it is hard for us as humans to respect each others truth we must let go of the idea that there is only one truth and that is ours. There are many! Also that at the deepest part of each human lies the ability to know wrong from right and when called upon to face it there is no escaping it. Truth has the ability to either keep us Captive or set us Free, it is up to us how we will perceptive it but more important how we act on it. Standing up for the Truth is not always easy but it is necessary for personal and global evolution..... At the end of the case the Mother lost and in the hallway was thankful it worked out like it did. To watch her you know she was now at a turning point of her life. I thought how ashamed I would be if my son had come to court to make sure I was held accountable for my actions. That is something a parent should be teaching a child not a lesson a child must teach from a court room in her 20. The Truth shall set you free in more ways then just your soul. I will say this episode reminded me that My Truth and Yours might not meet in the middle but if we both sit back the Truth will be right there in front of us and at a deep level we will know.. Even if a word is never spoke, we will know the truth and it has the ability to set us Free....

I am who I am and I wouldn't change a thing!!!!

Most of you know I have struggled time and time again with a illness that not only in some aspect stole my life but also gave me some of the best insights into life itself. As I look back at the last few years let alone my whole life I am struck with a observation I am sure only I can reach because it is only I who has lived with this 24/7. It is only I that live from the perception of my own mind. Through the last few years of my active illness I have struggled many times to explain myself, express myself and reach out to others in many ways, it is not until now being in remission 9 months can I really start to see it all come together as my mind is now clearer and my memory sharper than it has been in a while. It has only been lately that I have been able to myself come to terms with a illness that not only effect my body but also my mind.
Like coming out of a deep sleep to awake only to find that you have been living between two worlds or sometimes more like living in two worlds at the same time. Looking back and even observing myself now I can see how this illness has shaped along with my experience who I am and how I view the world and universe around me. Over the years I have tried to understand it myself, I have tried to seek answers outside myself as well, only to time and time again be brought back to my own conclusions and theories. That is not to say that I have not had many experience and validations of my perceptions from others including highly educated people but it is to say that I have met very few people who truly get me and understand fully the world I see through my eye. That truly understand my perception of the world we live in. How can they, many time I find myself confused by it as well.
The last 9 months have been a eye opener on many levels of my life. At times bringing me to my knees and other bringing the beauty of the world into full circle. I am still in the process of understanding everything but one thing is becoming clearer and clearer.. That life is more then the shadow aspects of our mind or the programmed beliefs we have been taught and that life is not about learning to Survive It but learning to Live It..... and that I am who I am because of who I am and that does not make me broken or an outcast but that makes me beautifully unique unto itself...

Only The Truth Can Set You Free......

I must say it is refreshing to finally hear people speak their truth.. We have become a nation of liars from the simple "I will be with you in 5 min" to the "I promise when I am elected {fill in the blank} to what little old ladies refereed to as the "white" lie. People build dating pages full of them, make fake Facebook pages, lie that your sick to get out of work, as you can see there is no need to go on. I found this in myself many years ago and asked myself why? why do we all lie? A better question is why do we Hide the Truth. Why are we afraid to call a spade and spade? why are we afraid to say "Hey you told me 5 mins and I have been here 15" and if you do why does that person get mad that you told them the truth?????? Just say "Hey, I am sorry I just said that because I don't know how long it will be but I have to lie and tell you something so it will look like I know what I am doing" Yeah like that is ever going to happen but at least a acknowledge of the lie is better then getting mad you got caught but you see once again I am just skimming the surface. The women behind the counter her lie goes deeper. she doesn't want to be working there but she has to, It's not a career for her, its not something see loves, its just a pay check. See we have taught our children to lie by our behavior and then they grow up hiding who they are and trying all their lives to live up to the lie they are trying to create and when they cant do it anymore they turn to drugs and alcohol, sex, food you name it. They lose their dreams and end up working a job they hate, probable living in a town they feel stuck in... it goes on and on but the beauty of Truth is that it does set you free. Free to be yourself. It is not easy living your truth believe me I have lost many a friend and marriages over living my truth and staying true to myself and my values. When my dad died my whole world changed and I asked myself when I die what do I want to be remembered as and it was being my authentic self. My Dad passed in the early 90 and it has been a journey to remove all the lies others told me and that I told myself to discover the hidden truth of who am I and why I felt so unworthy to tell the truth, one of the most preached virtue but the one most staring us in that face that everyone is doing from commercials, to food labels,to history to warfare to our own government. We preach to our kids to tell the truth or they will get punished but yet everyday we live our own personal lies. It's no wonder this generation has given up, I would too if I was them we are a bunch of hypocrites.. God said the Truth shall set you free and that is NO LIE!! Telling the truth can be painful to the person telling it and the person receiving it but truth is like a sword one side there is pain but on the other is joy. joy in being YOU!! in knowing that all those around you truly love and care for you, that the job you have chosen is what is best for you not just because you need the money. That you have system in place that is transparent and is working toward the greater good of all mankind and our home planet. Like i said it isn't easy but it is worth it and it all starts with each one of us speaking our truth and not excepting less then the truth from each other. We must teach other again its okay to be honest, that the key to unite is truth, trust and love. There is no higher calling in this life then to live honestly. Truth is a mighty weapon but also can be the saving grace...Keep in mind that there is one thing about the TRUTH, it needs no defense, it just IS!!! ♥

Just thinking...

I was just thinking how you can create  your day anyway you want. Each  morning is a new chance the start a new. We could either drag the pains of tomorrow in to today or we can let go of them and make way for new memories and new things. While going through old photos today I was amazed at the memories I had forgotten, the memories they came flooding back. I was taken aback by the thought of living in the now. So much of yesterday's forgotten and there's so much about tomorrow we don't know. That really all we do have is today. Looking at those pictures I realize I'm not the person I used to be and I'm excited to see the person that I'm becoming. Pictures only capture moments in time, it's what we do with those moments that count more. Not that we were able to keep them stored on the hard drive. It's nice to be able to share the moments captured by a photo but even better to share the moment live!! So I'm glad that I am able to live in both worlds, the moment of now and remembering the past.. I guess this morning's lesson is it's not whether you can capture a memory: it's really whether you can create a memory that last a lifetime!

So everyone is asking what am I doing as my line of defense, I find that so interesting because that is what I am doing. First on Monday I just enjoyed being home with my son. While studying up on Diverticulitis. It's cause and effects along with how this fit in with The Virus I battle. I found that Inflammation and Infection = Immune Deficiency!! This has been one of my top issues over the years. I still find it funny how many people I meet that have been diagnosed with something only know what the doctor told them in a 15 minute appointment. So after about two days research it is turning out something like this:
     First Line Of Defense; Learn ALL you can about what you have or what you already know and don't be afraid to expand that more and more everyday. This is YOUR life your trying to improve. No one is going to do it for you.
     Second; Take what you have Learned and Try to Apply it in some way into your day. My First area of Defense is "Food". I have seen what it has done for me in the past and I know it can bring on Healing in more ways and in a speeder time then traditional medicines, Even though I do believe in some cases that  Western medicine can work hand in hand with  a Holistic approach but that is my point, medicine without food changes really mean nothing.
I need to get back to"My" Basics first ;
    Chaga Tea: This Tea is one of the reasons I no longer take 8 prescriptions and 34 pills a day just to stay alive. Chaga even amazed my infectious disease doctor for those of you wanting to know more here is a link  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inonotus_obliquus
    Green Live Juice; I have a favorite I use from Fully Raw Kristina, "Soulshine Juice".
It's; 5-7 Honey Crisp or Pink Lady Apples
      5-6 Stalks Of Celery
      1 Cucumber
      3 lemons
      1 head or bunch of Kale
      1    1 1/2 head of Romaine Lettuce.
Now I adjust the amount to fit me but I put it all in the juicer then stir and drink. Yummy!!!!
     My Justine Tea; This tea was made for me special from my Herbalist. I can not praise mine enough for the leaps we have made with my tea and other blends. If it wasn't for a dear friend of mine I would of never understood the role Nature plays in the field of healing, now that is getting back to basics. So I recommend for those of you still struggling after numerous attempts with Western Medicine to find your local Herbalist or ask at your local Co-Op's for people in your area working in this field of Healing. It will change your life.
    And last on the liquid front WATER!!  I have often heard it said hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and I have also heard plenty of people say, I drink tea, I drink coffee, I drink flavored water does that count? NO!! Hello Humans lived on this planet for millions of years before caffeine was invented or adding flavor to your water. Let use some common sense shouldn't at least ONE thing you put in your mouth be pure. { I know we have many debates over that word and our water sources but lets put that aside for this point.} When it comes to life the one thing you can not live without is Water. You must make wise choices. I have drank from the stream, I have drank bottled and I have used a purifier. Your body will tell you, at least mine does. I either cant get my lips to even sip it or intuitively I have to say no. This is where not all water is equal, try a few and explore SAFE drinking holes or streams in your area. Either way get that water in. I drink out of a Clear Glass Bottle this is what I have chosen to go with Glass over Plastic as much as possible and I use the power of Emoto's theory of water. This seem to now be my drink of choice. My son has only tasted twice in his life a soda and his choice still is water over anything. To spice things up we sometimes add fruits and herbs, sometime also cucumber but we like our water "Pure". We know the power of water and what it can do to rejuvenate the body. We also know the effects caffeine can have on the brain and body. We chose life, Thank you!!
Next important task is "My" Intake Of Food;   You think being limited to "Clear Liquids and Toast"/Low Residue food would be easy but that isn't true. From these choices I have to make sure I am healing my intestines while also giving my body the nutrients it needs to keep my immune system working full stream to fight off the infection. I am taking Antibiotics at home but to make sure they only help and do no harm I must give my body extra of what it needs. This is where researching what is happening to your body comes into play. Taking what the disease is doing to your body and matching it to the foods it needs to help it heal is a winning combination. See everything that enters my body right now has a purpose. "Let Food Be Thy Medicine".  I must remove all allergens while leaving nutrients. How do I do this? I have been studying my body since I was first sick in 2002. From that starting point I have studied it all...LOL  { Library Junkie, remember.. LOL } I have now had to narrow myself to a few choice foods that well be transitioning me once again into a new way of eating. I guess I could see the 5 days without food and water a new slate in which to eat.. LOL  So far my food intake consist of this;
    Morning ; Justine Tea
                   Choice of:                
 1/2 c. of Whole Cottage Cheese { Found one, 4% milk,No Artificial Growth Hormones: Cabot "Vermont" style Cottage Cheese. } Most of you know I don't do dairy but right now I am limited on choices for low residue foods.

 1 c. Apples Sauce

and Gluten Free Toast { the best one I have found without eggs is Udi's, right now I can only have their White but it is delicious!!}

 Cacaocolate Pudding {LOL}
1 Banana
1 Avocado (remove pit)
1 teaspoon of Cacao Powder
1Tbl spn of Agave
Add all ingredients to blender or food processor and then blend to creamy texture
{Topper with your favorite berry, NOT me I cant right now but it sure is Yummy!}

   Mid Day Snack: Soul Shine Green Drink

Lunch and Dinner:  Choice of; {at this time just reintroducing food after 5 days none and 5 days liquids and toast only}
Tomato Soup with crackers or 1/2 gluten free toast
Vegetable Broth with Crackers
Mashed and Well Cooked; Carrots, Sweet Potatoes, White Flesh Potatoes {without the skins}
Fish/ Tuna {limited because of seafood allergies}
Some days having only Liquid soups and broths and no cooked vegetables {everything as fresh as possible}

Drinking Chaga and Water through out the Day

    Night: The Justine Tea

As you can see my day right now is busy with preparing foods ahead of time, switching over Austin while cooking his individual needs, as well as doing research on many subjects related to getting healthy and gaining my purpose in all this. I can tell you this all has not been easy. With trips to the Grocery store where it teases me with Fruits and Vegetables I cant have and Laughs at me with misleading labels. Where a once quick salad is reduced to a slow simmering boil and where my days are filled with mixed emotion of what to do next but for now I am content in the fact I am doing  one thing through out my day that promotes good health. I am using Food as my medicine and finally being accountable for EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth. This week Food is My Foundation,

So I hope that answered your questions and gave you some insight into "My Life" and how I am now taking an active part in my own healing while sharing the journey with you!!!

As I wake up this morning I am faced with sending Austin off to his first day of sixth grade. Boy where does the time fly and preparing to change my eating habits one more time. it is not like I haven't been down this road before with food allergies and boosting my immune system but now I am doing it with Colon health in mind. Wow, talk about a subject most of us would rather not talk about or even think about. I heard it said yesterday on a video I watched "it's simple what goes in must come out!" but what most Americans including me don't think about is what is going in and how is it going to get it out.  We take Eating, Pooping and even Farting and Burping lightly when without any of those working as they should we face dyer consequences. I have learned more in the 7 days spent in the Hospital then I wanted about issues like these and many more. I remember laying in the Hospital bed just waiting for the day to come I would Fart, something we all do but I wasn't. Hooked up to machines and bags for food with even the scare of a tube being placed down my throat to feed me. How did I get here and what in the Hell have I got myself into when Farting becomes not only a luxury but a sign of healing.
I have crossed many bridges and made big strides in my eating or lack of over the past few years. I have removed allergens, tackled GMO and learned more about the Human bodies fragility in a society that cares more about profit margin and Heath care cost then I ever thought I would. I  have battled the emotion reaction to "You can't eat that?" or " Sorry we don't make that or we don't carry that" to simple ignorance, all along me screaming inside "Hello" I am just trying to live here!!!!....
Even in the hospital they tried to give me vegetable broth with chicken in it.. {allergic to Chicken, yes I know its strange but true. first case my allergist had seen in his years of practice} and Gluten free bread with eggs... {eggs come from chickens DUH} next with seeds.. { Ah... Diverticulitis, no seeds or nuts please}  The world just takes these things granite but at what hidden cost. Cancer in the US is on the rise, Children and Adults are showing Gluten intolerance at alarming rates and Colon and Intestine diseases are on the rise as well.   Did you know that 1 out of 3 American will suffer some form of Diverticulitis or other Colon diseases most going untreated or undiagnosed because they are masked by Burping, Farting, Bloating and Other Stomach issues we treat with over the counter drugs. That most American take what they put in there mouth with less care then their cars or even what they feed their children compared to their pets??? Now that is Alarming!! In Northern California where I once lived the surgeon that took my Gallbladder out { yes been there too, it stopped working for about a year before it screamed to get out and right before gang green set in YUCK}  That he was then treating as young as 13 year old to have theirs removed. When did we lose sight of being Human. We are not Meat suit designed for designer food and chemical and bio chemical food. We are an organic living creature that weather you believe in God or Darwin the facts remain the same.  What we are putting into out bodies are either going to GIVE us LIFE or TAKE it AWAY!!  Yes Humans are living longer but at what cost? A life on synthetic drugs and fake food and hooked up to machines? When are we going to learn the greatest lesson from Hippocrates "Let Food Be Thy Medicine". I know I am not turning my back on that one anymore.
I often say being a AB-  I am the latest in Human Evolution. My blood type has only been on the planet for 1000 years and I can tell by my life and my research that I am more sensitive to things then most but statistics show that most Americans are having the same issues on a different scale then me but if my life is an example of what the food is doing to our bodies and our minds then extinction is possible if changes are not made. If to you this sound a bit Harsh ask yourself the rise in Autism and other genetic issues coming to the fore front. Studies are showing change in diet can often show great results in many children. So all I am saying is please take it from  me, read labels, listen to your body and most of all learn more about what your eating and good colon health. Did you know even the most healthiest diet can lack the daily Fiber needed to move food through your body in a healthy way?  Most Americans needing 25-35 gms a day? Where are you on that scale? Ask yourself theses and other question, why am I farting and burping so much, or is that Bloating trying to tell me something? Do it now when you have a choice before like me your facing emergency surgery and looking at wearing a colostomy bag for 6-8 month maybe even life. Think about how that would change your life? Think about if it was your child laying there? I was lucky but there are many Americans who are not.  Someone today is being told they have Cancer, Someone today is having part of their Colon removed, Someone today Died because of being untreated and uneducated, Let that someone NOT BE YOU!!!!!!

Waking up to the fact I am only Human........

Doing research this morning on my new eating regime for the next 3 weeks and beyond. Like my life wasn't complicated enough!! So far all I know is that I should of listened to my body six years ago when it started to rebel!!!! Maybe I wouldn't of spent 7 days in the hospital fighting to keep a section of my colon and from wearing a colostomy bag for 6-8 month, hell the rest of my life? All along being treated with high does of antibiotic to fight off an infection while trying to keep my Virus from raring it's ugly head. NO F**king Fun believe me. If just the thought of that wasn't emotionally bad enough after Austin not quite having the summer he expected coming home to find me hooked up to machines and IV's and once again sporting a two piece Johnny was not the home coming I had planned or that he needed to let him know everything is going to be ok. Lucky I was in a beautiful hospital that treated the whole me and showed me respect the kind you would want when facing life on life's terms while feeling your most vulnerable. The hospital and it's staff went out of their way for me and Austin to have the best home coming we could of in that situation, Austin came home to one big family that was looking after one another. The kindness going from the housekeeping staff, kitchen and nurses and lets not forget those volunteers and all my friends who came to visit and sent cards you all gave me time to reflect on my life, my family and that maybe I do only have one life. and as Judas Priest said "I am going to life it up!!" The universe said we have many lives but whose to say we get many chance after were died. The mind can be a beautiful friend or a cunning trickster, it's up to us who we choose to listen too. I know am listening to my beautiful friend, my body who is telling me its time for a change a true rebirth from the cellular point of view. Even though my time at the hospital was one of many lessons I wont ever allow myself to be there again without knowing I did everything I could to not allow it to. 7 days was enough for me to see I am only human but my spirit rides with the faith and hope of the Angels and with thoughts like that I can move mountains. Who would of thought with all my brushes with death the one thing that opened my eyes was the one that made me see "I am not afraid to die as much as I am afraid to live a painful life."

Look What Just Came In The Mail!!!

Wow, can we say fast work Universe. 

Earlier I posted about facing my past and what did I find in the mail today?

A box from my Mother's house of things that Austin and Her came across while cleaning out the trailer in the drive way. Pictures that span a lifetime.  Memories that are opening my heart in many ways. I guess one would say the Universe was right on this one and I must be on the right track!!

Let the memories flow along with the tears and the laughter.  

Like I said :This is My Life and I am never surprised by it....... 

There's Nothing Like A Buttercup Moment ....

Having a Buttercup Kind Of Day!!!! 

Yes Universe, I Heard You and I am Speaking Up and I am Getting To Know ALL my emotions.. 

See I have some GREAT TEACHERS!!!!!

" Who would ever thought the rode to Love would be paved in Anger"

It seems when you ask Life a question it always has a answer for you, it might not be the one you were looking for but it will always be the one you need.
A few weeks ago I asked the question about how can I start to believe in myself again. Where did I lose what I once held dear. I have got many examples over the last few weeks of what needs to be healed to finally free myself from the emotional prison I seem to have created or allowed to be created for me. Out in Nature I had many moments of clarity on many areas of my life all leading me to one conclusion, you can not step into your future until you have come face to face with your past. For each of us this will look and feel different for me it has become about letting go of Anger. Yes I said anger. For most of you that know me even that word seems like a dirty word I would wash out of my mouth. No one has to tell me how Hippie Of A Heart I have but now it is not. it is one of my human rights, my God given birth right to express ALL my emotions. { and as we know us women come fully equipped in this area} Yesterday I came across another amazing song of inspiration by no other then Mister Rodgers. He expressed that to truly be free and be honest we must be able to express and get to know ALL  our emotions. There is no other truer statement when it comes to emotions. Holding in  my Anger has slowly eroded what once was a beautiful landscape in my mind and I want it back.  I just read a statement that went something like this " It is not what happens that makes a person either optimistic or pessimistic it is what they do with what has happened to them that makes the difference"  and I must say I am very good at this one. Many have said that some how out of bullshit I can grow flowers and I have many, many times not only in my garden but in others.
That is because for most of my life like others I had no choice. I could either let that person,place or thing steal my happiness or I could just learn to work with what I have been handed. Some how though I guess I have been stuffing my true responses, how that hurt little girl felt, how that teenager rage that comes with age should of been expressed, how when you become an adult you expect others to be grown up too. Oh I could go on I am sure.
What I am discovering is I have a Anger issue that needs to be not only addressed but expressed. Lets just say the Universe has decided that I need to get to know my Anger, So how it has been working now is expression {rant or a "are you f**king kidding me?" look and yes those words, I owe Austin something like $50 by now} then the ah ha moment of clarity. This I must say has been like riding on a roller coaster of "who the Hell was that?" and "What the Hell was That About"
It's true the Human race as a whole would LOVE to place me in the "Oh you must be pre-menopausal?" NO!! sorry The Herbalist said "No girl your just pissed off!!" That was a relief could you imagine what this lesson would be like if I was! I bet it has been nice for most people to blame some outside them or some mysterious internal clock for why we act a certain way but maybe just maybe that person has the RIGHT to be MAD!! Maybe men and women at around 40 -50 wake up from the sleep they called life and go "How the hell did I get here and where did my life I wanted go? Who know weather it is physical or physiological either one no one seems to escape Life's Mirror into the Human condition.
 Why is being Mad or Angry such a bad thing? When we know we all are feeling some sort of "Are you F**king Kidding?" mode at some point in our life or even daily about either something that is happening, did happen or is going to happen. Not being able to express all our feelings is why we have people who end up shooting up a school, there are wars started where no one even knows what the hell they are fighting for anymore and are afraid to act or put their weapons down,why people are dying of diseases that could possibly be relived or cured  just by expressing emotions.
I am finally coming to terms that even Saints get mad. The Bible says that Jesus did a Theresa from The Jersey Housewives move and turned over tables and took a rod to those he knew where doing wrong in the temple. No he didn't kill or hurt anyone { well, if the story is true maybe someone got a few lashings } but I bet it felt good to express his Anger. God didn't punish him! and as the story goes they never did it that way again.. {instead now they use guilt and unworthiness}
Anger is a hard emotion for me. I was raised to understand we don't start wars but we will fight to defend what is right and  what is right for all not just a few. I was raised to turn the other cheek and give forgiveness always. To live by one commandment "Do unto others as you have them do unto you." Sounds so simply and in fact to change the world over night it would only take 50% of Christians to live it for it to happen. { I am putting a little pressure on them because it is the greatest commandment of all }The truth is that has got us no where but pent up emotions that we take out on each other and our selves. Separating ourselves more and more everyday and medicating our Anger and Pain, sometimes even our Joy. We live in a society that sees wrongs everyday but ignore them because to speak up or lash out might cause us to look bad in your community or cause you to lose your job and so forth. Stuffing our personal truth and emotions are not helping us to move into a more Free and Accepting society it is creating more bars then our eyes could ever see.  I heard it said the other day in a song that we will not be free until every living thing is seen as equal but to equal the playing field we must first learn to get in touch with ALL our emotions not just the ones that are comfortable or make us look good but the ones that could change our life and our world.. I was told the other day that I was not Human because I did not express Anger and all the other what I see as lower emotions. { anger, guilt, sadness} I said walk a day in my shoes brother, I have lived with stuffed sadness, abandonment, rejection, abuse, neglect and deceit all my life from what this person considers to be humans. Just because in the past I never expressed it in a way that would call attention to my pain did not mean I did not feel their sting and have overwhelming emotions in private in some corner of my own world.  Anyone who has watched my videos from when I was unable to write my blog can see I had lots of emotions. I only expressed what was needed at the time and what I felt was best for all involved. I saw my reaction as lessons in tolerance, acceptance and living in the moment. Now the lesson is Expression out weighs Reaction. I am also taking on a new and for me different approach " Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You".. Maybe a little lesson in Mirroring is in order here. We can not change what we are not willing to Face and we will never be truly free until we are FREE to express ALL our Emotions. Not with Icons and Videos, Not with words of encouragement or underhanded remarks on a Facebook Post but to Each Other!!! Honestly!!! It is the only way to be Free Of The Past So We Can Move Into The Future..
I welcome my anger, If it will finally set me free to be a 100% Human and to finally live my true birth right and what my forefathers fought so hard for, it will be worth is it!! The pursuit of Happiness might come riding in on the heels of Anger but it will leave a trail of Love and Acceptance that I have never known. Look out world I am in a "Are you F**king Kidding mode" It's time to Let Go Of My Anger and Embrace ALL of me!!!!!!!!!

Life Lessons 101

"The Day you realize you really are responsible for all your own actions and reactions is the day all excuses are removed and opportunities start to appear." 

Remixes and Refresher courses on the fundamentals of life....... No better teachers then Bob Ross and Mister Rodgers!

Seems Today Bob Ross and Mister Rogers are bringing me lessons on remembering my foundation and taking me back down memory lane.. I love it when my insight comes in the form of music and message... Maybe that is what they call "Hearing the Angels Sing"

Bob Ross Remixed | Happy Little Clouds | PBS Digital Studios

Getting Some Inspiration From Bob Ross In Believing in Yourself And The World We Can Create!!!

Finding My Inner "Little Engine That Could".........

 
I was just sitting here thinking about all the "what if's" and "what could be's" and I started to find myself making excuses to why things haven't always went my way. It was like the day I wrote my children book {that still waits to be published} "Even Goats Can Wear Coats" I was thinking about the excuses we and others give for why things either stay the same or always fall short of manifesting. It seems the majority of us and myself included set out with high hopes of moving our lives in a new or more rewarding direction. That goes for people born with everything and those born of merger means. We all have an inner drive to have and be more then what we are. Some it is in a form of greed, other a sense of accomplishment. My question for myself today is "Why do some reach that goal and for others we are always falling short of the mark or worse completely miss it?"
   It can not be desire or want. I know for myself both of those are there and working quite well I might say but just what is it? Only a few select are born into it? We once might of been able to say that but now with the consumerism at an all time high and the internet, we really cant use that one. Its luck? No, because luck only works really for parking spaces and lotto numbers, we all know that.  I use to play with this theory, some are just better at those things. That worked until I started to see in my own life I was capable of more then I ever gave myself credit for, to a degree I still do. I even looked at my illness as an excuse to my holding pattern in life. That was short lived when I thought of Stephen Hawkins... He and others basic wiped out the excuse of sick or disabled. What have I been left with "Belief".
 Seems to simple but yet so true. What is the difference, they believed in themselves.
That leads me to my next question, where does self belief start or even nurtured? Is it something we are born with or something we develop? Boy, that opened a can of worms in my mind. Here is my thoughts; I think I was born with the ability and understanding that I could be anything I wanted. This was at the time the 70,80,90..  and we were brought up feeling like we lived in the land of milk and honey and you could be, do or have anything your hearts desired. With hard work, some dedication and honest in just a handshake... it all could be yours. The schools pushed that, our parents practically pushed it on us how lucky we were to live in such a great Nation with all the opportunities at our feet. Plus when you are young the world is your oyster. So much to see and experience and it all "New". How did I go from believing I could be anything I wanted and live anyway I pleased {as long as I harmed none of course} to giving up on myself before I sometimes even get started. Hmmm.... what a land mine that is to wonder. Was it someone? That teacher in the 2nd grade that treated me and two other students different because of the color of our skin. {yes sorry to say discrimination and hate comes in many colors}. Was it the Man who stole my innocence and took my trust away? Was it the first time someone laid a hand on me in Anger? Was it the countless times I was emotionally and physical abandoned? Maybe that stole pieces of the dream but it never took away the knowing I could do and be more. Was it an virus that I got when I was 6 that started the Auto Immune disorder that has haunted me for over 16 years now? One that many times over the years caused me to be distracted from building a life since I was to busy trying to survive the one I had. Or could it be just all the years I have spent fighting demons and trying to fly with the Angels that somewhere along the line I stopped believing I was worth all the dreams I was dreaming. I really am not sure if I will ever know but one thing is clear the dream has not died but today the excuses have.  Today's thoughts have left me with a deeper understanding of an important piece to my personal puzzle.  It is all in the belief! Like the story of "The Little Engine That Could" {now replaced by Thomas The Train} When you learn to start believing in yourself at the deepest part of your self there is nothing you can not accomplish with a little hard work, dedication and honesty. Maybe the American Dream has not died but is hiding in the hearts of American like me who gave up before they even got started. Maybe my dream never died it just got put on the shelve until I was able to learn to start believing in myself again.. Funny how belief plays such a big roll in our lives but yet to look around to trust and have belief in things seen and unseen is looked upon at times as foolish and childish.. Yet with out belief we would of never made it to the Moon, the technology we have would not exist and the life we lead right now would of still been someones unfulfilled dream. What is the saying "Remove the Excuses and You will Find your Life waiting for You on the other side."..  Well I got to start somewhere and that will be with build back my belief.. How will I do that? Who knows! Today's lesson was to see it for what it is tomorrows will be doing something about it!!!!