Discovering A Inner Courage and Love I Never Knew.....

 As I woke this morning and the events of yesterday start to play in my head. I feel I am still processing what happened but a few things have become obviously clear.

The first is that I have been telling myself all along that I needed to learn to “love myself”. What a lie I was telling myself to keep me in the state of thinking I needed to do more, be more... It became clear as I laid on the session table allowing the hidden wounds of my past to fly by me as if going through a worm hole in space. Watching everything that had wounded me and brought shame into my life go by . I was watching and feeling the times of my past that the pain and confusion was to much to bear that I had not only hidden the memories but also created a disease to slowly wipe them out. The problem was now the disease was not only removing the wounded ones but the magical ones too. It had become time to face them and bring healing into my life. As I viewed each one that stopped by to look me in the face it became clear I had to stop and look at who I was now.. because coming from deep inside me I knew that is all I have and really all that matters. As I did it became apparent that one thing was clear. I had kept up the good fight, never giving up on myself. I had been like a fighter in the ring. I took the punches and shook it off and got back up to fight again. Each time learning something knew about myself and a new skill to take back in the ring with me. I watched as with each pain and trauma I forgave my offender and moved on seeing them and events as my greatest teachers. Now something through the emotions was coming to the surface and it was my deeper love and respect for myself.

At first I could not see it.. because I needed to understand something first. I had never created these wounds I was just a part of them. Using the fighter analogy when you step in the ring you are not sure what will happen and each punch or action is a reaction to the opponents moves. Like a dance of reaction and action. I knew in my heart I had never intentional brought pain to anyone in my life. Maybe misunderstanding but I have not one malice or cruel bone in my body. This I know to be my truth. So to me it had not become as much about the dance as what I did with it. Was I going to let it consumes me or was I going to take it as a lesson and move on. I had always chosen to move on. A deeper part of me calling through the fight, the battle, the tears and the pain to not give up, to never give up. It brought me back to that moment on the deck not so long ago when I thanked Creator by saying “ Thank you for never giving up on me “ and I heard “ It was you that never gave up on you”.. The tears rolled and my heart started to open and I could feel the love I had for myself want to touch the surface but it was still being held back. Why? I asked had I not given up, why had I not allowed these people and event to change me.. steal who I was and cause me a life of suffering and more pain now brought not by them but by myself... and the first of two images came to mind. The first in all his glory was the image of Jesus with his hand outreached to me and he said “Faith” faith my child you never lost the true meaning of faith... and with a smile that would light up the universe his next words “ you kept the greatest of my commands”.. “ Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you”.... by now the tears flowed. Gushed is a better word... My heart cracked open and I saw the love I had for myself and others... At that moment the most painful and fearful memory’s came like the damn had bust and I at that moment as my eyes open there no other instinct but to be held and that is what happened with loving arms around me I let go my greatest fears and my greatest pain... As I was held for the first time in my life by someone that wanted nothing in return but to love me and with that I let go... Then he spoke those words... “ Now you must forgive yourself”...

The second of the insights was hitting and it was again becoming clear that I had never deeply forgiven myself for the pain I had let in. I had always been able to forgive my oppressors and understand why they hurt me but had I ever really forgave myself for letting them hurt me.. As I gathered myself to lay back down and clear the next level the words that were being spoken was... forgive yourself that little girl misses you and loves you let her come back. Like going through the next worm hole I watched as the clock ticked back to my childhood and I use that word to describe the years not the time. I truly never had a childhood.. At 5 I had learned tough lessons and by 9 was pretty much on my own.. never really having friends or family around I grew up fast and those years of discover became years of survival and lessons and that was all I knew until yesterday. Then she appeared.. With her hair that flowed down the back of her spine touching the tip of her hips.. with hazel eyes a glow in her jean summer dress tied in the back and of course her dirty barefoot feet.. It was me at the age of 6. I loved that dress and she looked beautiful and she was looking at me asking me to come with her... she took my hand and danced me through the grass field with sunflowers blowing in the wind and she was singing to me the way I sing to Austin... I cried for I hadn’t felt that kind of love and freedom in a very long time... I turned to her and said “ Please forgive me, I never meant to let them hurt you”.. and with the eyes of a angel and a heart that spanned the universe she said “ It is you that must forgive you, it is the only way to be free” and in that moment I felts her heart reach out to mine and I said the words' I forgive.... I forgive you and I forgive me... and my heart burst open in that instance she smiled and I must say I smiled too, then she let go of my hand and said “The battle is over you have won the fight.. I knew you had it in you..” I could feel her eyes saying put down your weapons, let go of your fears, now you will find peace. As she started to walk into the Sun light she looked back and said.... “ You do know how beautiful you are don’t you? Stop looking outside for validation of who you are all you need is to look within.. it is the only place you will find the truth..” As she disappeared in a Rainbow light from the sun.. I now could feel myself.. My beauty, my knowledge, my wisdom and most of all the love I have for myself...

All these years I had been searching outside myself for the validation of being loved but all along I had it right inside me if I would of took the time to see.. As I pulled myself out of the session as it came to a close.. I was taken back by the two things that now had set me free... forgiving myself and learning that I never need to learn to love myself if I just would have had the right eyes to see I would known I never stopped loving myself.. I just need to stop letting others define what love was to me.

As I slowly got up from the table I took a few minutes to really feel myself... my face, my nose.. my skin and a voice in my head echoed.. I guess I am beautiful... and smart.. and I do have a good heart. Then it dawned on me... I had never taken the time to see my own beauty, to look at my courage and strength to acknowledge my inner wisdom.... At that moment I was able to see how disconnected I was to my inner development.. I had always been so busy trying to work on the things that others thought were wrong with me I never took the time to enjoy the things that were “right” about me.. it is not to say I will ever give up my sense of discovery and expansion but now it is not to fix or make better but to expand upon. Yesterday was a great unveiling of the deeper hidden wounds that just needed to be brought to the surface not to relive them to but to see with new eyes and let them go.... Like a line from a Hallmark movie “Wishing Well” “ There once was a man that said I can not even see what is right in front of me”.....

I have to say that out of the session, I was told I looked ten years younger and I can only say I felt ten years lighter and as the night drew to an end.. I found myself giggling and it felt good and I was finding a inner strength that I never knew I had... I was in my minds eye going over relationships I have in my life now and the ones I want in the future and I have discovered I am worth more then I ever gave myself credit for and that I no longer have to or will try to convince people I am worthy to love, it now is up to them to prove to me they are worth to be in my life because loving just comes natural to me....

I give thanks this morning to myself for having the courage again to not be afraid to go deeper and to have loved me those all these years.... “LOVE YOU JUSTINE!!!!!! and I love all of you!!  

Releasing Hidden Yesterdays

  Every time I sit down at this computer to write I seem to be at a loss for words. So much has been happening in such a short amount of time that it is hard to know where to begin and even if I did there are something that happen in life that no words can describe.

The most important thing I guess would be that I can feel things shifting and releasing from my mind and from my body. It is true this process for me has been happening for the past 8-10 years but to watch it come to what might be the end of suffering and the beginning of living { with out painful lessons } is new.. and might I add a bit scary.

It seems a bit strange as my mind is coming back on line you might say, the memories that come flooding at times.. between childhood memories of knowing there is something different about me, experiencing physical and sexual abuse, a childhood illness that silently was doing damage to my brain and nervous system and just the lessons that we have living on earth. I can now see why it has taken years to come to this moment. If I had to face the knowledge and pain all at once I surely would of lost my mind. Each layer that has been removed is making room for a more deeper understanding of why I went through these things and a chance for forgiveness, of myself and others. A deeper sense of purpose. When I say that I mean a deeper sense of life’s purpose not what I should be doing with my life, My life is my purpose... and everything else is just an extension of that..

I have written before about my mini deaths and rebirths as each “veil” is lifted so that I can see more clearly what has been there all along. Hidden deep inside me the knowledge of my greatest power but also having to face my darkest shadows. It seems some of me subconsciously knew my purpose was to face fear and release programed ideas allowing me to become a whole person.

So as I look back this morning its like a trail leading me to this moment. with out those experiences I would of never found a deeper part of myself, a strength to go within and know that what I had experienced in pain could not be all this life had to offer. If I only found my way out of each moment and rise above it, like climbing the stairway to heaven.. someday I would find the peace and understanding I have been seeking all my life. I was always searching outside myself but once I came in.. into my own mind, my own heart and found the map each day I have been able to rise to a new understanding and I hope now a new sense of peace. It has not been easy but each time in my life I have faced my fears I have become not only free but able to face the next challenge knowing I am capable of anything I set my mind too. I know today I face my greatest fear and shame. One in which my soul has waited until I had enough understanding and compassion for myself that I could face it. There is this strange calm inside me that is saying I am ready.. its time... the tears roll as I know I will be allowing myself to go back in time to heal old wounds and release myself from the dark shadows that have haunted me. Maybe this is why I was asked to stay more grounded in Earth things to feel the pain and to remember so that I can see these things with new eyes and finally be fully free... like in a birth you come in with a clean slate in which to build your life today I wipe the slate clean to start to rebuild my new life. Without the pain of hidden yesterdays... and with the faith of new tomorrows.  

Sharing a Part Of My Day With You

Since I have decided to share the next 14 day with you, I thought I would post a video with me playing in the kitchen this morning...

"Asking Fate To Wait To See If I Have The Courage To Face My Destiny"

    With everything that has been happening in my life the past few months it is not hard for me to imagine I would be standing in the place I am right now. I have seen the signs coming, I have heard the call of my heart and I know this is the time. 

   A few years back when I was discovering my inner voice I would hear myself say to people " If you don't get your mind, body and spirit in harmony you would die, if not a spiritual death and emotional one  and possible a physical one." those were such harsh words at the time that I found myself ashamed to be speaking them. I am now faced with the fact that those words were meant for me as much as the people they were directed too. At the time death and the chance of it happening to me were a far off possibility. My only worry was that my family and loved ones thought I was crazy. Now that we have solved that mystery I am faced with the fact that it is time for me to get in harmony within myself.

   This has not been an easy task as we all might know. Everyday is a distraction from the self or it is an EGO ride all about the self. Finding the outer let alone inner place of non-judgement or fear is far and few in between. At least in my world it has been. I can look back and see the path leading here. All its tosses and turns as a friend said this morning has lead me here. A cross roads.  It has been said "You will come to an end of the rode were you can no longer travel the same rode you have and you must choose, to go left or right." I have hit my dead end {no pun attend} I know in my soul I must choose life or death. If you want an easy line, I must choose to be in harmony with myself and my world or it is time to accept my fate.

    Most of you know I have been living with an Autoimmune disorder that have caused a form of encephalitis to become reoccurring with mild attacks monthly that have slowly been doing damage to my brain and nervous system. There has been little help from the medical field and I have spoke about that in earlier posts due to the fact that in the states the rate of mortality for my type is from depending on the sites you look up 70-90% so I should of of been dead about the second one and the third one, well lets just say most doctors are amazed at the fact I am still alive and doing  as GREAT as I am..{ Really Most Doctors have no clue what to do or think of me ) So I have had believe me enough wake up calls that the front desk is about to stop trying. 

   It has been harder than you think to move in a direction of health and well-being due to self-confidence and just dealing with the post effects of the virus. I have never given up but I must admit I wasn't sure If I want to try. As much as the mother in me wants to stay to see my son grow into a man, the thought of him slowly watching his mother fade away or die seemed also cruel and selfish. So the battle raged and over the past year I have come to many conclusions and put into motion lots of personal tests and I must say testing those in my life.  I have come to some harsh realities that I can see why some dare not go deep or explore for the truth you find is not always pretty. The moments in life that I thought counted meant nothing if they were all based on a illusion. That illusion has now been removed and I must say there is a greater freedom in learning who will be by your bedside as death approaches. Guess if I wanted to know the truth all I had to do was go to a retirement home or a home for the elderly. Needless to say we have become a throw away society but I will save that speech for another day.

  Where I was going is that yesterday I surrendered to my destiny and asked Fate to wait to see if I had what it took to rise from the ashes and fly like never before. To allow the beauty of who I am and what I have experienced to now be used instead of stored deep inside, To now know that the only judgement I should fear is my own and the only fear I should have is in not allowing this caterpillar to become a butterfly... 

   I posted a video yesterday on my you tube and facebook pages and to my amazement the love that flowed from strangers and friends was... speechless! The love I was searching for all my life was there in front of me. Like a shinning light of hope. There were those loving me into death and those angry by the thought of my possible death. Then to my joy there were those that reached their hands to me in love and strength. I could only find gratitude in my heart for not only them but again for my time here on earth!! It has been so far an amazing journey of what is possible when you don't give up on yourself.

 So as I make my way through the next 14 day I hope you will join me as like you I don't know the ending... Like a story where every chapter is written each day we will discover together. Is this the end of just a chapter or am I writing the final chapter of my book... which ever it is thanks for sharing it with me, I hope that as you take on thing from me "Never stop believing in yourself for you were born to live and live you should, for your last day is but a breath away"... 

Day 3 Spirituality and Healing in Action and my thoughts on 9/11

Woke up this morning feeling like a battle raging inside me. I can feel every part of me aching and my stomach is wrenching to remove anything and everything. It seems the battle to regain my health has begun! 


Some have said this is the healing crisis. As your body removes toxins and the build up as they release can make you feel sicker then you were to start with.  I have felt this before with the virus but this time I know it is the new nutrients that are now doing battle against the toxins that keep my immune system from being able to fight. it is like the story of the 300.. the few will battle as the strength of 1000..  


The difference this morning was I had my boy by my side. He rose to the occasion and before I knew it was making our smoothies and telling me to hang on.. Like a angel he peeled and poured add our emergen-C and then blended like a champ! His eyes sparkled as he carefully poured our drinks and then smiled and said " here everything will be better soon". He is right! I am so lucky to be loved like that with nothing asked in return. 


Yesterday as I stood looking out into the woods asking how as a people, a nation and a planet we have gotten so lost in what is important to our survival as a species, as an earth family. I looked at my part, what roll does my everyday  life play into that and it brought tears to my eyes as I had to look at my own action or I must say lack of.  Then it hit me, it was 9/11 . All the lives lost and for what??? All the lives effected by a moment in time that still leaves confusion, mistrust and hated in the hearts of many. I remember the next day posting a sign on the back of my V.W. Bug that read " Let them not die in vain" Here I stood all these years later and I was guilt of the one thing I had hoped would not be lost in that tragic event. The importance of LIFE itself!!!


The value we put on human lives, on our own lives and those of our family. I too had lost touch of that and let myself slip into a sleep of denial of just how precious we really our. what a miracle each one of are and how the lose of just one life should be felt through all as if it was a part of us that died. Because in truth it is. We forget there was only one mother of man kind! no matter your theory on how life began. It can only be traced to one.. weather Eve or a fish in the sea.. it all started somewhere with one... so every time someone dies we have lost a family member, even if they were a stranger to you their essence lives within you.  From a moral stand they were someones mother, father, sister, brother, ect .... this goes for all living things.

That day should of marked in my life and the lives of all american that human life is more important then what we are fighting for or the greed of money. At that moment when faced with my own arrogance and denial I made a commitment to those that died on 9/11 to live the best life I could live because unlike them they will never have a chance to reach their full potential. They will never have a chance to see this nation rise from the ashes to become the brotherhood of one nation under GOD!!! 


So today as I hang my head over the toilet and my body shakes and aches with pain I will remember their last  moments of terror, suffering and pain.. the fear so great they leaped from windows to not burn alive. That they will not die in vain on my watch for them I will push on.. and become all that I can be. I will raise my bar to meet any challenge in their names and through their hearts! I will not forget how precious life is and how if each one of  us did the same that day in history would not be looked upon as tragic but a a call to the nations of the world and its people that we must start loving ourselves and loving each other because one day we might be faced with our own immortality and realized we wasted what time we did have on things that in the moment of death will hold no value but by then it will of been to late.     


For my son and his sons and daughter and theirs, today again I ask the good lord to watch over the people of this planet and may we all raise our own personal bar and strive not only for personal gain but that of the whole planet and all its children. 


Amen........

Day 1 Spirituality and Healing in Action....

   This morning I started a journey back to self, I know this will take patience, mental discipline, meditation and action.  It will also take intention, focus and faith. these are all qualities I have held in the past but only pieces of them like touching a snow flake before it melts. This time they must become who I am not words I am trying to reach for or a goal I am trying to achieve. 


At times this will not be easy for in the beginning as a friend of an angel said today " I must let go and watch the miracles flow" those might not of been same words but the mean sure spoke to how I have felt all morning. It is easier to put my faith on the future when my intention is placed in the now...  each moment will take focus  and I must have patience with myself as I let go so that the miracles can come in. 


 I have always seen myself as love in motion. Stretching, bending and expanding my understanding of myself and where to flow next. Now it is time to take this Gemini mind and put action to my thoughts and allow the aspect of my Virgo rising to help me stay centered and one my path. Once again my words bring a promise of a new reality now if I can just get the rest of me to go along I should be fine.  

Waking up to a New Reality...

Once again as I pop my head out of the rabbit hole I find myself at once again another cross road.  I first started this blog for my son. When I found out that I could die at any moment I wanted to leave him something. Something more than pictures or other peoples perceptions of who they thought I was. 

It seems that most of my life even up to today most people who think they know me really don't,  they only see the version of me that fits into their experiences. I have come to this conclusion because it seems that no matter my intentions I still get judged by other peoples ideas of what and who I should be not who I truly am.  I thought Austin deserved my truth and not someone else's.   

Then as I got sicker I felt it might be a way to explain to him and all those who questioned my sanity a peek into to medical reasons why things appeared the way they did. Not that it mattered anymore what they thought but it was finally a validation to myself that as Dr. V say " you should be crazy but your not. if it wasn't  for the virus and  if you were born in another time, in another family you would  of been a great scholar" that was what all my life I had waited to hear. true validation that it was not me but a crazy virus that has plagued my brain and my nervous system most of my life and that even though most people would of taken a victim roll by now in life I had rose above known that I was capable of more than what the world had seen of me.  It also showed there were still doctors out there that cared about us as people not just a face in a sea of many. I think that my hope too was that my story would help others who were struggling with health issues that they were not alone.

I have struggled to keep up this blog because the illness I have takes its toll on my communication and in sometimes just reaching out to others. I cant explain it but there is so much we still don't know about the brain and how it effects personality and expression of that. Needless to say it has been a work in progress. 

Now I have once again decided to make my blog a place of expression. A place to share my life and how I see things, how I am now going to take control over this illness through eating and lifestyle. It also will be a record of my journey back to self.  

I had a dream last night that I was preparing, preparing for something wonderful and great. There was a gentle soul which stood next to me and it was not through words but feeling the sense of are you ready? you will do well, you have been waiting for this. Like a school girl waiting for her first day or like your first job interview I looked back like yes I can do this, I am ready and with a feeling that no words can express I was ready to step through then I heard a faint beep, each time it got louder and louder till I realized that sounded like a alarm. That cant be I said to myself we don't use those and where is that coming from? I opened my eyes and it was coming from Austins room a clock which the alarm has never been set was going off. I turned it off and hurried back to bed.. could I get back to were I was? where was I going? I want to go there as I tried to go back it was no use I was now awake. then it dawned on me.. I was were I was spouse to be. That alarm shouldn't of went off and the time was perfect to the dream.   within a short time to my amazement I felt Austin patting me saying " Good Mother very Good" I looked over and he had a grin I had never seen before.  Like the chestier cat, he was in heaven then he wrapped his arms around me and said "your the greatest mom ever!! your a great mom, never forget that". we hugged and then we both cried known without words something had happened to both of us as we slept. I was amazing to share that moment with him.

I am sure of one thing this morning and one thing only, that I have a second chance and weather it was God, My Angelic Family, Galactic Family or just a high expression of myself, I have someone that believes in me as much as I have always believed in myself and this morning they set me free to live the life I have always been meant to live. And knowing that has truly set me free....

Queen Of The Angels...

My Visit With The Queen Of The Angels

     Yesterday was an amazing day in many ways. I woke up with the sun shining through my window and the birds calling me to play so I did. I headed out early to take care of somethings but also to fill the place in my soul that was calling. Before I knew it I found myself at a beautiful monastery walking the grounds. 


   The crows were leading me down the path with their music  and what a  path it was.. saints were along the walk way, a place to sit at the water and mediate. with twist and turns along a tree lined path leading me to Mother Mary adorned with fresh flowers and the children on Fatima  knelling before her..  What a beautiful site. I couldn't help myself I was drawn to knelling among the children asking mother Mary to pray for me.  I have been to Fatima in Portugal and what a beautiful experiance that was to knee the path of Fatima and that moment was coming to life again in that second.   The crows were now loud and flying around like some dance but something seemed strange. As I finished my prayers of thanks and of healing I rose to an open field and as I stepped down the rock stairs to the field a light from the sun shined down brighter then I have ever seen and made the trees glisten with color... I started to feel strange but thought of it as just a feeling of overwhelming because all my senses were going.  I stood in the clearing like a child being bathed in the sunlight of  the heavens..  As I sensed my cleansing I walked away in somewhat Of a loss of moment or of time its self.  As I still followed the path I found myself now not feeling so well. Maybe I did too much, Maybe I should go back.. the crows were getting louder and I started to feel sweaty and clammy and knew this wasn't looking good. I watched a jogger coming down the path..   she seemed like a angel her blonde hair flowing in the wind and a smile that lite up the world, then her face shifted and I knew then something wasn't right. Next thing I could remember was coming to in her arms and her eyes were filled with concern and my heart was beating so it echoed in my head like the beating of a drum.  I kept thinking they are right, even when i am alone I am never truly alone.. They have sent me an angel.  As she helped me to my feet we seemed to speak in silence as each one of took a moment to realize what had just happened. She walked me back to the nearest bench and sat with me till I gained my strength and thought back. We lightened it up joking she thought she might have to get the monks... weather for help or last rites we weren't sure. All I knew was that the love and kindness of this stranger was a beautiful experience.  If that would of been my last moment I would not of died alone and I would of been held in the arms of love.  In time we parted ways with a bottle of water and my promise of going and being looked at.  So I did. 
   By the time I got home my blood pressure was 178/105 and rising by the time I got to the ER at times it was 199/103 . As I laid on the hospital bed where I have found myself so many times, I am reminded how lonely this room can be. with machines and people coming in and out it feels more surreal then the experience in that open field. The dance of doctors, nurses, lab tech and cat scan machine echo gram, ect.. The one thing is all the familiar faces from visits past. There is always a calm that comes over me now when I am there a sense of " Its is what It Is" .. My thought keep going back to Mother Mary. Had I been cleansed but yet here I was...  Was that problem with my eye and face have to do with this... question of the mind but my heart held the image of Mother Mary.. The Goddess Herself... watching me and keeping me safe.  Once again I had rode out what ever it was to come to the hospital after and since I made it, all would be well. Like a drama played out to entertain the mind. I was fine and going home.. The left side of my face was coming back and my eye seemed to be doing better and thinking of Mother Mary had brought my blood pressure back to its norm ( 160/87, which is high but for a girl who lives everyday her body fighting a virus thats pretty good..) I came home and slept.. dreaming of Crows and Angels. Of Mother Mary and her presence. Overall I would say It was a good day. Knelled before the Queen of the Angels, woke up in the arms of an Angel and was once again given another day to live. So for my friend Jane I will be grateful Today " I am alive and well" ...  What today brings I have yet to tell....

Hello...

Bedside Diary: Today Has Been A Good Day

Well as I start to call it a night I have accomplished a lot from my bed. I saw the living room maybe once or twice today and passed by the kitchen on my stops to the bathroom. I found myself going for quick trips to the kitchen then back to my bed. It was not my prison today but my oasis. I place of solitude and rest. From this bed many plans are made and many dreams have been lost. Something about today allowed me to work through the isolation. To reach out from my inner space to touch you and touch a deeper part of myself. It was like Dr. V said " You will learn to work with your illness" and yes with acceptance came flow today. With surrendering all my burdens to the God within I am feeling a new sense of freedom.  I saw today as a new beginning, one with small steps. Each moment a chance to change my destiny, to expand who I am by discovering what I am made of. In that I mean my ability to transform my thoughts into extensions of who I am.  To move from thought into action and action into reality. Like a Caterpillar who in my cocoon dreamed of one day being a Butterfly with all its wonderful colors and it ability to fly. I must have put my thoughts into action and with patience I must wait for it to become my reality. I must trust all along in the small still voice that says one day at a time love, one day at a time. Until I emerge the butterfly in all my glory... I must surrender and flow for only then can the grace of faith and love create change from within... for without change from within there is no outer reflection of change, only the illusion of one!

Living My Elusive Dream....

    This morning started like any other one would on a day when I plan on starting a new way of life, not like I planned. Isn't that how it always is, when your planning for a change it is usually on a day when you have nothing going. you would love to be doing something, sometimes anything but usually not one thing.  So you day dream how your life could be. You make plans in your head maybe even take some notes. Oh how tomorrow would be the perfect day, yes tomorrow. 
   How many nights I have gone to bed dreaming of tomorrow. Please understand most of my dreams have come true but its the elusive dream that I speak of now. The one that is really only a day away, maybe even a second away. Becoming me.  I wish I had another word or way to describe it.  All my life it is like there has been a vision that I carry deep in my heart. A vision of what I can become. The artist, The speaker, The writer, The lover, The friend, The conscious being and the true expansion of who I am. That picture that I touch through only my emotions and imagination has been calling me all my life. It is what guides my life. It is why I make the choices I do and why I am so misunderstood at time. It is what keeps me alive and in a beautiful state of mind through all my experiences. It is my reason for living. Because I know " If the mind can conceive it, then it is possible to achieve it! "
   This image seems to have a life and will of its own. guiding and, helping me. It feels like its trying to call me home.  To someone who feels familiar yet I cant remember being her. It all seems to surreal to put into words but I will say this it is a dream I hold close to my heart but have been slow to manifest it.  Maybe I should say I have had many lessons around this. Each lesson pushing me closer but yet the little things that held me stuck I cling to like a life preserver. Each night vowing to change and each morning awaking to the same day. The only thing that would change is the numbers on the calender and about now they seem to have stooped too.  Those of you that now me know that I am at a time when change is a must! So today was very important, at least it was yesterday! 
   So waking up this morning with a eye problem, HBP nausea, Headache and did I mention bad time for the girl thing, was no fun! Before I could even realize today was suppose to be a NEW day my old programs were up and running.  Oh how easy it would of been to say ah maybe tomorrow will be better. Once I looked in the mirror it was over. No matter what I am changing starting today. So from my bed I have; had a cup of tea, meditated (posted it on facebook) stretched and gave myself a reiki treatment.  got up and  had a nice farm fresh salad for lunch and now going to watch a video a friend request me to.  So I have decide Hell or High Water I am moving forward.. Yesterday Dream are Tomorrows Reality!!!!!! And I only Have This Moment in Between!!!! I did something today towards my dreams have you? no excuses, just do!

Wanna Take a Journey with me?

        Today is the doorway to the unknown for me I have been at this door before, I have even stepped through but my life never depended on it more. Yes like everyone I have faced life's challenges and suffered the pain of my emotional body. I have also have been living with the silent pain of my physical body. The time has come for me to braid myself into the conscious  human being I wish to be.
    
  I am more and more finding myself coming from a place of Jung then of the starry eyed girl I once was. It is like Alice in Wonderland. Some how you come to the hole a curious girl but find yourself becoming a women, no less  with all aspect of what that holds. 
   
  I bravely know that without change I will surly die. the thought of this at times scares me. Not the thought of physical death as much as emotional and spiritual. You see I have found there are many forms of dying, Emotional, Spiritual  and Physical. The good news is that each one holds its own opportunity for rebirth as well ...  Dying a quick spiritual or emotional death seems quite rare and the pain of suffering year after year, life after life does not hold its appeal it once did. The comfort of pain.. the comfort of standing still. 


      I would say now that physical death is now knocking it is time to rise above and meet this Challenge with the knowing that without change there is no growth, without growth there is no expansion,  and expansion is life..  We can not even breathe without it..  expansion is why we are here.  I have been studying  a lot around the wounded healer and seeing that maybe my purpose and  journey is to heal from within so that all around me to shall be healed.  Either way I finally become the essence of true transformation. Resurrection of the mind, body and spirit.  To become the essence of what can be not of what has been.    There has come a point now in my life where as they say the pavement meets the rode, I am surly there.  So I take a deep breath and step through, want to come with me?.. I can not promise you it will be easy or that I even pretend to know the ending but I do know one thing! It will be life transforming either way.  

Pink - Perfect Lyrics

Sting - Ain't No Sunshine

The Stages In Between...

When I start to feel like this it feels like waking up from a dream. I know I have said that before but this time in a deeper sense. It's like I have awoke from a deep sleep, feeling like I must solve my own riddle before I fall back asleep. It seems strange to be enjoying the day, riding out so many beautiful emotions and interactions with life that I almost forgot I was sick, until I sit here looking through test results and doctors notes, armed with a pen, paper and the internet along with a few books from the library does it hit me again. Like a cold breeze on a sunny day. Its different this time, I am setting out to uncover my own destiny when It come to this virus. This time I am going to be ready for it. I will never be caught off guard again. 


 Its hard to explain but my brain seem to lift from the fog every few weeks. The pattern at first was hard to track but the last two times I tried a new strategy. I try to notice something that I am doing.. watching shows or eating certain foods, etc .  sounds strange but it's like trying to remember a piece of who you are when your awake so when you go back to sleep you wont forget.  I still never know when I am going in but I am starting to know when I am coming out. That's new!  I really dont know how long I have this time or how long the next one will last. This last one was 10 months and even at this moment I cant be sure it really has gone dormant. Its a day to day thing, sometimes moment to moment but for now I have a piece of me back... I love it when she comes out to play! I love and miss her so when she is gone...  I have connected some dot to this virus and I am now starting a juicing and eating  program. Something very simple to start since it is day to day. I am also linking some information regarding HSE, CFS and the HHV Family. I am still awe struck that the one virus that plagues me is the one that is saving my life.... Now if my body is the refection of life in this dimension, what does that say about the fact that miracles are still happen everyday.  Pay attention because they might just be disguised as something else...

We made it!!

To Those of us that have popped out the other side, We made it! Love yourself you did it! When others gave up you carried on. You had faith when there was none to be found. You stood in your truth and you have been set free!!! Breathe!  Now live!!

Waking up from the dream.....

Got a package from my future self! And I am so loved!!!! Time to get to work.... time to live!! The great sleep is over.. rejoicing today!!

Bedside Diaries

February 24th


  I did some yoga tonight, it felt good to feel my body again...
Like a dragon awaking from a deep sleep.  I feel as if I become one with each muscle again. oh how good it feels to have my neck back, stretching is such sweet bliss... 
 I am alive again.  I can sense I am coming back, with each stretch. The movements echo as I hear my bones twist inside a muscle as hard as cement drying. I inhale for the first time in weeks. Not the shallow breath but the breathing in of the universe, the inhale of life...


With each breath, my body is awaking and my mind is coming out of the fog... Is that me I sense.. Slowly coming back to life.... I have missed her so 

The Gift Of My Illness

Its have been quite an adventure since the early years. In a desperate attempt to regain my life and my hopes for the future something wonderful happened. I started to find and reconnect to a lost part of myself!
  As I had many times through out my childhood and teen years I would reinvent myself to save myself. Along with changing my eating habits I discovered a world I had forgotten in my chase for the American dream. The world of mind, body and spirit.
 Walking through a bookstore looking for inspiration on building immunity and discovering to the source of my illness. I found the new age section ( this area should be renamed.. Modern Thinking :)  ) as I looked at the titles a woman standing there asked If I was looking for something special, at the time I wasn't but she was about to change my life. We had a short exchange but she told me of a store that had a lot more books and she thought I should go there. I know now that she was an Angel. Not my first by no means but the first in a long time I had paid attention to.  At this time  I had return to church and had become pretty active, even becoming a Chaplin. My family including my mother had been not only active but my mother and I were working for the church. I went home thinking about my encounter and my mind went back to when my father had died.


In the early nineties within a three month period I lost my father to cancer and then my first marriage ended. ( yes I have been married twice)   This to was a devastating time for me. The stress of my fathers passing and my first husband leaving took its toll on me and I found myself once again alone and depressed.  I remember a short time before my father passed I was sitting outside the store I worked for on a break when a little old lady came and sat next to me. I will never forget her, she was the grandmother looking type with a grayish brown wig that I want to straighten for her.  We both sat not speaking but she keep looking at me. I tried to ignore her thinking I had to much on my mind to speak to someone I didn't know. She wouldn't stop and before I knew it we were talking. I can not tell you what was said between us but it was life changing. As she got up to leave it was also time for me to go back to work. At that time the store I worked in had large glass windows that were like walls. As we both walked I could see her through the glass walking beside me smiling as she slowly made he way to the exit. I thought to myself I should invite her to lunch sometime because the feeling she left me was one that even as I type this I cant put into words. At that moment the glass became wall and she disappeared. I raced around to catch her and to my surprise she was gone. I remember going out the exit looking in the parking lot but she had disappeared! there was no way she had of gotten that far. I walked back in in disbelief. Was she real, what had just happened? in the next few days I pondered the experience and thought was I visited by an Angel? Within the next week I was talking to an employee of mine about what had happened and she told me her mom believed in that kind of stuff and told me about JZ Knight.. I had never heard of her and at this point I was open to anything that would answer the question "who was that women".  In the weeks following I quit that job to spend more time with my dad and in a short time later he passed.  Death became real and life after death became a obsession for me. Where did my dad's soul go and why did that women come visit me. I decided to go to a pastor and ask some questions.( This was an eye opener I should of remembered but somehow I always have believed in second chances) At the time I wanted to know where is heaven and do angel come visit people like me? Big mistake, his answers were vague and from what he said Angels stopped visiting people when the bible was finished being written.  Guess no one is worthy of a visit anymore or knowing where heaven really is. I was at a lose and the depression was now setting in when when a piece of paper lying on the floor once again set me on the path of finding answers. It was notes I took the day my employee told me about JZ knights and on the bottom was a name of a store,  a New Age store.  If the pastor didn't have answers maybe this store did. I will not bore you with my visit to the store for as a mouse I went in bought a couple books and some subliminal tapes (yes cassettes..LOL google if your not sure what those are) and went on my way. Over the next year my life even though it was rocky the tools I got that day pulled me out of what could of been a spiral down hill. 


Could this store have the same effect. Anything was better than what I had just been through and if it worked before maybe it could work again. Within the next week I found myself standing in a modest bookstore. It had just opened a few months before and the women working there seemed to be more like a lost family member than a store owner. We struck up a friendship and every chance I had me and Austin would go to the store and visit. I shared with her my medical challenges and she handed me a book.. Louise Hays "Heal Your Body" I looked at the cover and realized I have that book.  Those many years before this was one of the book I had got at the other store. To my surprise I went to my mothers and covered in dust in a box with a stack of others books and tapes there it was! It was like a treasure chest of tool long forgotten. along with my new found treasures and a new store I was armored for change and on the rode to what I hoped was wellness. One problem, it was a New Age Store.  There was something that was coming to the surface through my illness and my new found awaking of truths.  A childhood stuffed and hidden from the outside world. A past that I wont go into now but one that was now asking to be acknowledged.  It was strange to go to work at the church and than on Sunday listen to the sermon, while looking forward to going to the store and hanging out with this beautiful pagan women. Strange things began to happen to me, wonderful and beautiful things. In no time I was collecting and reading books, listening to mediation tapes and my life was looking up. Maybe I was becoming to happy.  The church and the pastors where starting to wonder why I wasn't coming to them for everything anymore and I was way to happy for a girl who the months before was stuck in bed. One Sunday while listen to the sermon my hand as if by impulse picked up a pen and started to write. I could feel everyone in the pew looking at me as if to silence the noise of the pen on the paper but I could not. Even my husband gave me a look and like a helpless child I said I cant stop. As soon as my hand stop and the pen dropped I hide the paper and lowered my head. I couldn't wait to leave to read what I had just wrote.  After church was Sunday school and as we sat at the table my husband was questioning what had just happened.  There was a worksheet going around and as my mother sat mine in front of me I was to busy opening the paper to notice. I looked at what I had wrote and it seemed to be answers to questions but the questions were missing. I started to put the paper back in my bible and get my attention back on Sunday school when I noticed the worksheet. I took a double look and pulled out the paper back out from my bible and was speechless to find what I had wrote was the answers to the questions I hadn't seen yet. I remember feeling confused but excited all at once. What was happening was new but the sense of knowing the future was not.  I took a deep breath and knew I was going to have to tell my husband the truth. That what was happening was something that has been with me since I was little and that now it was happening again. This time it was different. I couldn't control my hand and it happen in church. We all rode home in somewhat of a silence.  That night I remind my husband of a date we went on early on in our relationship. One where I predicted that there would be trouble with the limo and there was. where his dismissal of what I was speaking almost got us killed. He agreed that there was something to it but still wasn't sure how much creditability he was willing to give to it. .I guess this would be a good time to remind you that this is also during the time of undiagnosed illness with a hint of I must be crazy. The timing of this couldn't of been worse. I look back now and think my husband thought well maybe this would replace the sick thing. To humor me and in his own way to support me he just smiled and went about his business.  Within a short time I was kicked out of the church and accused of being involved in a cult. That's another story in its self. Lets just say never ask a pastor if they believe in Angels, Hear voices in their head telling them things..LOL, or ask them about church history..  To say my life after that day took a 360 would be a understatement but now looking back it was part of the healing process and a rediscovering of who I am and why I am here. Over the following years I started working in that store and  many others. I have had many experiences that confirmed a hidden truth about myself and about the planet we live on. I became a lecture and teacher on many subjects that over the years have been helpful in my journey.  I became a soul reader and channeler and have been touched by many of the people spirit has placed on my path. I some days feel like what I m going through now is another gift in this journey of self discovery and personal empowerment. The gift of transformation...  I cant wait to see what I do with this challenge and what I become when it is complete.... What about you?

A peek at me and the early years...

This blog was set up as a way for me to be able to express my thoughts and allow my family and friends to better understand what it is to be me now but also to understand what it is like to live with an illness.  I have found it quite a challenge to let people into my world or to even explain what I have been going through. It has been easier for me to pop my head out and keep in touch than to allow them to see for themselves. 


As the weeks have gone by I think of all the other people who like myself  are dealing with the similar challenges that surround an illness where there is no cure or treatment. An illness that in the main stream is unknown or even misunderstood.   An Illness that on the outside leaves no scares or wounds but on the inside is slowly killing you. That is not even including the emotional and mental aspect of  what is happening.  Everyone has a story and this is mine. 


About eight years ago while working I started to lose vision in one of my eyes. At the time I was about to be married and my life even though it had been a hard and rocky one had started to look quite rosy. I was hoping for the knight in shining armor and the white picked fence and I was heading that way. I left work and knew something was happening. I couldn't explain it but I never expected it would turn out the way it did.  Of course by the time I got in to see the doctor my eyesight had returned and it seemed to him that all was fine. He took some blood test ... ( which now I know really means nothing if they dont know what they are looking for) and everything on a simple routine test came out normal. Now this did not stop what had begone to happen just because the test were normal.  I had the recurring eye problem and now it was joined by nerve pain and tingling and numbness.  Now this couldn't stay in on place and it moved from day to day, moment to moment and at times left me unable to move my right leg.  I even for a short time had to use a cane to walk. Now at that time my brain was sharp and my attitude one of lets get to the bottom of this.  So I opted for any test that would give us an answer and at the time we had insurance so it was a slow moving train but at least we were moving. 


With each test the words normal would echo and my heart would drop. Also with each normal the family support and concern turned to assumption and judgement.  I was not making things up and if they only knew how I longed to be like them in more ways than they knew it might of been replace with compassion and empathy.  In time as we planned the wedding and I just focused on that and hoped in time what was happening to me would go away but instead I learned to live with it. Each day keeping the pain and uncertainty to myself. Everyone around me seemed to to relieved they could talk about the latest TV show or some new toy they bought and I and what I was going through became a faded memory.  I was married and it was going good. When things came up I dealt with them best I could. My husband at the time either embarrassed or not understanding him self choose to keep a lot from his family which left me looking like someone I wasn't. when I would ask him to tell them I could go to events because I wasn't feeling good he opted to just say I wanted to stay home and he would tell me they wouldn't understand.  This is where things started to be very lonely for me. 


Than my son was born and during the pregnancy I was at peace. It seemed that what ever was happening took a back seat to Austin's coming. This was not to say that I did not have a complicated pregnancy and birth but it was all a normal part of a 35 year old having a baby. Now what I have left out of the story that at the time no one thought about and I too had shoved to the back of my mind was I had started to get the shingles at the age of thirty.  I did not only get them once, I got them every month and at the time (and still now) Valtrex would do nothing to stop them. My biggest fear surrounding Austin birth was a breakout and with luck and God on my side we made it through. It seemed for nine months I was free to enjoy the thought of being a new wife and a new mother and the past was behind me.. Wow was I wrong.


Shortly after his birth everything came back and with vengeance did it come. I was starting to have to go to bed the moment my husband came home at 6 because I was simply exhausted.  Everyone around me  including my husband I'm sure  was starting to make assumption of why. ( I have learned everyone thinks they know why you do something even when they dont have a clue. ) I knew it was coming back and this time I had a son to think of. So it started again, this time a friend suggest we go with a PPO to move things along faster and we did. it cost more but I and the doctors had more control. I picked a new doctor who seemed willing to look at all avenues and away we went. Now here is where it got tricky. You see my friend told me something I will never forget about GP's (general practitioners ) they call it a practice for a reason, they are practicing on you what they learned in books and dead people. Now that was a eye opener! So now armer with the internet and now Google I was off to get to the bottom of this once and for all.  Every time Austin went down for a nap I was at my computer. Now in some aspects this was helpful but in others it was not. I must of seemed like a nut every week coming up with what I might have, telling my husband than off to the doctor for the test. Once again each test was normal.  I had every opening probed and every test possible done and nothing moved us closer. Now you must realize by this time I was just using the doctor as a can you okay this. I was starting to get discouraged and it was starting to look like maybe I was crazy. So I surrendered and started taking antidepressants and felt like my whole world was falling apart. then a call came from the doctor. I have some good news and some bad news. At this point him just calling me was a plus. The test showed that you have EBV  Epstein Barr Virius . a chronic form of Mono.  The bad news is not enough people have it so  there is little research being done and there is nothing we can do.  My heart sunk! here I had my answer but yet  I was no closer to getting my life back or have the life I dreamed of then we were years before.  I decide to do my own investigating and he was right, there was not much on the subject at the time all I knew was it was an autoimmune disease. I started by going to an immune doctor and was tested for allergies so we could clear the house and take control over my environmental to cut down on triggers and reoccurring flares.  Now this was good we had something to work with but the shingle attacks still came and I was noticing other things happening to me mentally.  I changed my eating habits and along the way started to add things to my life to cut down stress and move my life in a new direction but the years before had created misunderstanding with family and friends and at times seemed to separate me and my husband. Having a name did not stop it from happening and as time passed I seemed to be the only one taking it serious. I know life goes on but for me this was becoming my life.  I too had a son I was raising who didn't need to grow up watching a sick mother. I didn't know what to do here I had something that had no treatment, no cure and no one to really talk about it with. So I did what I have done in the past, if everyone else could be in denial, why couldn't I . If the doctors and researcher weren't concerned with it why should I.  I keep seeing scene's from the movie beach running through my head. In the scene where  the fisherman was dying and he was ruining everyones fun.  So they took him to the other side of the island so they could get on with their lives without having to hear or watch him die. That is the truth of our society, out of sight out of mind. Living in denial and letting those around me assume what was going on with me lead me to where I am once again but this time thing are so much different. I no longer have a husband by my side even if he was in denial, my son is now 8, most of my friends from then are gone and the ones I have now still are baffled by a cunning and ruthless virus that has taken so much from me is now back and looking to take my life. Somethings never change, my family is still in denial, my sons father still thinks I'm a drama queen and that when every I'm trying to better my life this is an excuse I use to cope out. (Now that makes a girl feel special) and there are still doctors that want to dismiss me more easily than try to help me stay alive. One important thing has changed I have found a doctor who has taken me serious and looked at me as a mother and a women not just a patient. He out of everyone has saved my life! The test he took came up with something and this time everything was not normal but this time it might just be to late. You see what started out as the shingles, than developed a secondary virus EBV has now because I went untreated and not taken serious by doctors, family member, friends and even myself has turned into a rare a deadly virus that everyday threatens my life and is trying to take the most important part of me with it my brain.  They now suspect I have viral encephalitis, and not just any kind, HSE the rarest form with the highest mortality rate 70-80%. Guess Denial Didn't work so good? 

Waking up to a new morning.....

This morning as I sat up in bed I realized that once again day has broken and I made it through another day without going to the hospital. To most this would be a strange thing to think as you open your eyes but to me this is my life....


As I start to eluate my body by taking a minute to notice how I feel, I wait. Each second  is like a rocket checking its engines before lift off. How does my head feel,is my lymphoid's swollen, is that nausea I feel, what is my blood pressure, ect. It seems like the daily mental check list has become part of who I am and also a reminder of what I'm living with. Today weather I can or if  I wanted to get out of bed I must, I have my son to get off to school and another doctors appointment to keep. Speaking of appointments I bet get ready. Today its the nose and throat surgeon. He will just repeat what Dr. P. said and I will get the confirmed news its worse than what we had hoped.